


Happy Without Me

by spasticandviolent



Category: Faking It (TV 2014)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-04-19
Packaged: 2018-03-14 18:39:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 49,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3421397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spasticandviolent/pseuds/spasticandviolent
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sure, everyone says long distance doesn’t work. But if anyone was gonna make it work it was supposed to be them. They’ve always beat the odds – until now. Now, Amy is just walking away like they don’t have two decades worth of history. Karma doesn’t know why Amy made so many promises when she wasn’t going to follow through with any of them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> There will be more to this.

“We knew this wasn’t gonna work, Karma.”

Well. That’s news to Karma. Because no, she had no idea this wasn’t ‘gonna work.’ Or that this wasn’t currently working. Amy made that decision all on her own. And up until now Karma actually thought things were fine.

It’s rare that she and Amy aren’t on the same page. At least it used to be. These days it almost seems like they’re in different books and Karma can’t really seem to pinpoint when that happened. When did she start losing Amy?

Sure, everyone says long distance doesn’t work. But if anyone was gonna make it work it was supposed to be them. They’ve always beat the odds – until now. Now, Amy is just walking away like they don’t have two decades worth of history. Karma doesn’t know why Amy made so many promises when she wasn’t going to follow through with any of them.

“Did we? Before you left all you kept telling me was that it was going to work, Amy. I just… I never would’ve done this if I knew…”

Amy’s face on Karma’s computer looks upset. But it looks nothing like Karma who’s literally having trouble swallowing over the lump in her throat.

“I told you we’d try. I’m so busy now though that we barely see each other. I mean, how can we count seeing each other once or twice a month as a relationship?”

“A relationship is whatever you say it is,” Karma says. “It’s always been quality over quantity for me. You make me happy.”

Amy looks off screen.

“I thought I made you happy, Amy.”

“You did- you do. You do.”

Karma feels her face fall at Amy’s slip. Maybe Karma has missed all the signs. Maybe this hasn’t been working at all and Karma’s chosen to ignore it. But if it hasn’t been working why hasn’t Amy tried to work with her to fix it? That’s what’s killing her.

“Then what happened? What’s happening here? We made promises-“

“That was almost five years ago. We were in a different place… we were different people then. I’m so busy now with classes and finding a residency program and the people here. And I like what I’m doing… I’m… happy. I check my phone sometimes and I just feel guilty because I realize it’s been days since I’ve answered… and I feel awful because I’m so preoccupied that I didn’t even really think of you. You can do better than that – better than me, Karma.”

Amy got into medical school a few years ago and at the time Karma thought they had their whole future in their hands. She saw marriage and kids and careers. She’s watching that whole mental image crumble with every word that drops out of Amy’s mouth.

Despite what she _knows_ her girlfriend is saying, all Karma can hear is – I don’t love you enough to even try.

“This isn’t because I don’t love you. I will _always_ love you,” she hears Amy say, “I just can’t right now.”

“But you could… for the last five years we’ve been together you could. And now suddenly you find something you like more than me and you can’t?”

Amy kind of laughs this really painful laugh that Karma knows she’s never heard before. She watches Amy let out a ragged breath before she goes to answer. Karma knows _that_ breath – Amy’s trying really hard not to cry. It’s pretty twisted but knowing that Amy is hurting too actually makes Karma feel a little bit better.

“Karma, no. God, no. I don’t- it’s not as simple as you’re making it out to be. We’ve been long distance for as long as we’ve been together... and this is only going to get harder. I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell you I won’t be home this summer. And if I get this residency I’m just going to be farther away than I am now. That means another four or five years away and I can’t predict the future I can’t tell you where I’m gonna be offered a job-“

“I can move,” Karma’s pleading and she knows it’s a last ditch effort.

She doesn’t even really want to move. Her family is here. Lauren, Shane, Duke, Theo, Liam and Reagan are all here. But she’s grasping at straws trying to keep Amy in her life when Amy’s making it perfectly clear she doesn’t see Karma in hers. At least not anymore.

“That’s not what I want. That’s not what the point of me saying any of that was. It wouldn’t even be fair for you to move, I’d be gone seventy five percent of the time and you’d be sitting home alone. That isn’t what I want for you and you wouldn’t be happy. I know what you want and right now I don’t see marriage or kids or a house – I don’t see any of that in my immediate future.”

“I think you’re overestimating what I’m asking you to commit to, Amy. I didn’t ask you for any of that right now.”

“No, not right now. But eventually.”

“Because I thought you wanted that! I thought we both did.”

Karma knows they’ve talked about it. Years ago, when things were easier, Karma definitely remembers laying in the dark with Amy naming their hypothetical children. They’d talked about building a house that Dr. Raudenfeld would come home to. And then they’d giggled like little kids – Amy being a full fledged adult was so far off in the future it had almost seemed non-existent.

“And I did. Then. I had no idea how much I’d love this when we had those conversations. It was all just this imaginary future we were dreaming up when we first got together.”

“The imaginary future you don’t want with me anymore,” Karma just wants Amy to feel bad. Karma wants Amy to cry because she can’t hold back her tears anymore and she feels stupid for being the one that’s so devastated over this.

“Karms…” she looks up to make eye contact with Amy, “if I have _ever_ wanted a future with anyone – it’s you. This isn’t me trying to cut you out of my life… I can’t picture not talking to you-“

“With what free time,” Karma mumbles. She’s fucking hurt and she’s taking cheap shots. Whatever though. She’ll take what she can get.

Amy sighs.

“I’ll still be home for holidays and to see my family.”

“Once upon a time I _was_ your family, Amy. That’s the thing. But now – I don’t know how to be friends with you without _being_ with you.”

Yeah, they’ve been best friends since they were five. Karma is aware at this point that they were _just_ friends for far longer than they’ve been together. But she’s so accustomed to kissing Amy now. She doesn’t know how to be in the same space as Amy and _not_ touch her. Being with Amy is the only thing that’s made sense in a very long time. And Amy fucking knew when they crossed _that_ line there would be no rewinding. Yet, she’s suddenly acting like they can just go back to who they were. Well, guess what? Karma can’t.

“Ames… please… don’t do this. Please don’t leave me,” Karma’s begging and internally cringing.

This is exactly what she didn’t want to do because this isn’t her. She’s better than this. She’s stronger than this. She’s not the girl that begs someone to stay with her. She shouldn’t have to ask Amy to stay with her – Amy should just be 100% certain that Karma is it.

But Amy doesn’t seem so sure – and that stings.

“I’m not leaving you for someone else,” Amy wipes at a few stray tears, “I just don’t see any other way-“

“I think I’d rather lose you to a _person_ than a fucking _job_.”

What she can’t understand – if they’re both so upset about this why is Amy doing this? If it’s hurting Amy (and Karma can so clearly see that it is) why would Amy want to cause herself pain that could so easily be avoided? What Karma can understand – Amy doesn’t want to be with her anymore. What does it even matter that Amy still loves her if she has no interest in still being with her?

“That’s not fair-“

“Fair?! You making decisions without me is what’s not fair. We agreed we would do this together – that if we ever got to this point WE would have this conversation… but it seems like YOU had this conversation already. Without me. You didn’t even give us a chance. I know you’re saying you’re busy, but you make time for what’s important to you,” Karma says and Amy puts her hands up on her head as she struggles to breathe normally.

They sit in silence for a while after that. Amy doesn’t seem to have much of a response. Karma decides that means she was right. Amy has a list of priorities now and it seems like Karma isn’t really in the top five anymore. So, there’s that.

“Amy, I need you to be sure here. I need you to be one hundred percent you’re okay with letting me go because if you do… just make sure this won’t be something you’re gonna regret five years from now.”

Amy nods, her face all grainy and distorted for a second from the delay in their Facetime.

“I want you to move on, Karms, there are people better for you than me,” Amy’s tears are subtler now but Karma still knows she’s causing herself unnecessary pain.

Karma shrugs, everything hurts. “I really don’t wanna be with anyone else – and do me a favor?”

Amy looks up at her again and Karma’s heart lurches in her chest.

“Please don’t call me Karms anymore. That’s not yours now.”

And Amy looks so fucking defeated when she hears that. Karma can’t handle Amy looking broken, even if it’s her own damn fault. So, she shuts her laptop, throws herself on her bed and cries over everything she’s losing.


	2. The Way You Looked At Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to be a journey. There is going to be angst. Hope you’re up for it. But here’s some fluff/background to tide you over. And this update schedule is not legit I just had some free time today; I’ll do my best to keep them frequent though.

_‘ And I loved the way you looked at me, and I miss the way you made me feel. When we were alone, when we were alone_

And if we could turn back time, could we learn to live it right? ‘

**Five Years Before The Break Up**

Karma is freaking the fuck out. Amy kissed her last night.

_Kissed her._

It’s been years since Amy has even hinted at her feelings (Karma kind of assumed they were gone). It’s been years since they were a fake couple and Karma broke Amy’s heart. They’re in a really good place now. (But for real, Karma has probably been flirting with Amy for weeks – she has no _idea_ what’s gotten into her).

So, Karma has been camping out in the bathroom for the last ten minutes because she heard Amy walk through her front door. Avoid, avoid, avoid. In reality she can probably only get away with maybe five more minutes before it starts getting weird.

Of course Molly whisked Amy off to the kitchen for some weird new recipe. Things are weird but no one really deserves more than ten minutes alone with her mom and her concoctions.

She can hear her mom yammering on about who knows what when she finally makes her appearance. Amy is hesitantly sipping on a carbonated green beverage. It concerns Karma that her parents think this is any way to treat a guest – Amy hasn’t been a guest in years but Karma’s pretty sure that’s way besides the point. It’s just baffling to her that they can’t at least try to be considerate and have food that’s at least semi edible.

“Amy, honey, it’s that really great detox tea with a shot of wheatgrass I was telling you about yesterday,” Amy’s nodding politely and trying really hard to hide her disgust. It’s basically hilarious. “Are you hungry? Lucas and I just made fresh quinoa and I can put some marmite in it. Gives it a really great flavor – we just got it specially imported from Australia, it has a whole different flavor than the British version you normally have to get shipped-“

“Mom! I have to borrow Amy. We… I’ve been working on some music she _has_ to hear. You know Amy’s opinion is my gold standard,” she smiles, grabs Amy’s arm and literally hauls her up the steps and away from whatever in the fuck her mom’s offering.

Karma is twenty years old and still has no actual clue what half the food in her own kitchen is. She supposes if she asked her parents they’d explain - but really what college kid wants to eat anything other than ramen and Cheetos? Her parents can get the fuck out of town with their kombucha and kale.

These days she finds herself sharing meals with Amy more than her parents anyway.

* * *

 

The Karma Ashcroft at sixteen that broke Amy’s heart is drastically different than the Karma that’s dragging Amy up to her room.

This new and improved Karma came to the conclusion three years ago that she very well could be bisexual. It was at least a year after all the crap with the Liam/Amy/Karma triangle from hell. And she had a few months where she kind of lost it a little bit, but Amy has been her rock. Amy got her through the nights when she didn’t know which way was up.

It’s been three years and they’ve never re-visited the fact that Amy was in love with her but Karma’s certainly thought about it. She’s been thinking about it on and off ever since she accepted the fact that she’s definitely attracted to women in a very real way.

There’s also the fact that Amy wasn’t single when Karma finally figured herself out. Amy was with Reagan and once Karma stopped trying so hard to stake her territory she realized she actually sort of liked Reagan. It’s strange but Karma and Reagan are friends now and there was no way in hell she was going to be some home wrecker bitch just because she’s capable of acknowledging the fact that her best friend is beautiful.

But Amy and Reagan split a year and a half ago; it was completely mutual and amicable but Karma knows it secretly broke Amy just a little bit. And so Karma had pushed any and all thoughts right out the window because Amy didn’t need _that_ from her.

* * *

 

“Good save,” Amy says as she throws herself back on Karma’s bed.

“I wouldn’t even wish wheatgrass and marmite on Liam.” Amy shakes her head at Karma’s words and laughs.

Liam’s been out of the picture for a few years now. He and Karma are still acquaintances but Amy avoids him like the plague.

“Did you wanna watch something?” Amy asks at the same time Karma blurts out, “so you kissed me yesterday.”

The stare down that ensues seems never-ending.

“I did,” Amy answers like she’s telling Karma about the weather.

Karma rolls her eyes. This is _so_ Amy.

“Any particular reason why?”

“I wanted to.”

This conversation is really getting them places. Amy is being vague as all get out. It’s becoming extremely apparently that this isn’t something that she wants to be discussing. But what else are they supposed to do?

That not communicating thing they’re so good at just tends to ruin them and Karma is in no mood for a repeat of sophomore year. That shit was hard enough the first time. They’re both home on Christmas break from their respective colleges. If they don’t figure this out now Karma knows they’ll both just go back to school and it’ll get pushed away even further until it drives this weird wedge between them. They learned a few years ago that all of those things they leave unsaid are what will ultimately ruin them.

A fire truck squeals somewhere in the background. It’s December and the faint glow of Christmas lights are sneaking in through the cracks in the blinds.

“You need to give me a little more than that,” Karma says as she’s sitting next to Amy on the bed.

It’s not that Karma can blame Amy for being hesitant about the whole thing. The last time anything like this went down Karma’s only response was to reveal an affair with Liam.

Amy gives absolutely no indication that she’s going to answer.

“Amy, do you have feelings for me?”

Karma smiles as Amy’s head whips around. It’s déjà vu but she did that on purpose. She’s praying that the smile on her face lets Amy know the ending to this scene is going to play out a little differently than it did five years ago.

“You’re kind of the worst sometimes,” Amy says.

It takes all of two seconds before Amy’s grinning like a fool. It probably isn’t fair but Karma’s totally aware she’s pretty much Amy’s version of kryptonite.

The phone ringing bursts their little bubble and Amy fishes through her pockets to check the screen.

“Who is it?”

Amy turns quickly and kisses Karma – it catches her completely off guard.

“Literally no one important,” she mumbles without ever taking her lips away. Karma thinks Amy should never stop kissing her. Not for anything. College and work and friends be damned.

* * *

 

Amy kisses like a god damn pro. It’s been four years and Karma can feel the confidence that wasn’t there back in high school. It’s a really bizarre thought but she thinks for a second she’d love to thank Reagan because where else could this _skill_ have come from?

Kissing Amy feels a lot like the floor falling out from under Karma’s feet. (Whatever the fuck she does with her tongue is like whoa). It makes that whole freak out she had about being bisexual seem completely irrational. What’s the big deal if it feels like an electrical current running through her when Amy’s hands are on her skin?

The bedroom door flies open noisily when Molly announces her presence. Karma has a heart attack. Amy falls off the side of the bed.

God, what the fuck?!

“Mom!”

“Oh! Girls! I’m so sorry… this is great by the way I knew you’d get back together. Amy, you are always welcome here. I know Farrah is still a little unwelcoming but no worries we don’t enforce open door policies. Karma is twenty now and we know you both have needs-“

“Oh my God. Out. Now.” Karma closes the door on her mom midsentence. Whatever. It’s like the second time they’ve ever kissed - her mother does _not_ need to be involved in this just yet. If ever.

The blush on Amy’s face is unbearably cute. But Karma can’t even meet her eyes so she lays her head on the wall next to the door she just closed.

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be. It’s not like I’m not used to your mom,” Amy says as she grabs Karma’s waist and gently turns her so they’re face to face. Karma cannot even remember Amy getting up off the floor.

“Yeah, but she’s so embarrassing.”

“Yeah, well she has been since we were five. Besides, she was gonna find out eventually right?” Amy has to literally pry Karma’s hands away from her face.

“Eventually?”

“Karma, c’mon. In what world was I going to kiss you and forget about it?”

“The one where you were in love with Reagan for years-“

“Okay. I was in love with Reagan. I’ll always love Reagan. I will never lie to you about that. Reagan was a lot of firsts for me,” Karma looks away and Amy leans in a little closer, “but so were you.”

Insecurities have always plagued Karma. It’s hard to believe she could be enough for Amy after she was just with someone like Reagan for two and a half years. And Reagan is so much older, so much more experienced. Google searches at two in the morning don’t really count as experience with a girl; nor does the few erotic novels she secretly downloaded to her kindle.

“What firsts did you have with me? You lost your virginity to- well…”

Amy has the decency to glance at the floor for a second. This conversation is definitely not going to go in _that_ direction.

“You,” Amy breathes into Karma’s ear, “were the first person I ever loved. And that was way before that day in the gym. You taught me how to love someone… and how to be loved. It took us a few years to get here – but maybe it was supposed to?”

“You mean that?”

“Of course I do.”

“What if Reagan wants to get back together? I mean I wouldn’t blame you if you left me. I’m giving you an out.”

Amy is looking at her like she has completely lost her mind.

“I didn’t ask you for an out. And Reagan and I aren’t getting back together; we’ve been broken up for the last year and a half. Why would you even think that?”

“She’s… I mean she’s everything you ever wanted, right? She’s pretty and she knows what she’s doing and-“

“Karma, you’re _gorgeous_. And everything I ever wanted? You were there when we were fifteen right? How can you even say that?” Amy chuckles a little bit and pulls her closer. “I want you, Karma. I have never wanted anyone the way I want you.”

The tone in Amy’s voice sends a shiver right through her. Amy certainly knows how to make a girl melt and Karma is about ten seconds away from ripping her best friend’s clothes off because holy _what_. No one’s ever made Karma feel so validated.

There are about a million colors flying behind her eyelids when Amy kisses her again. This is probably the first time in, well ever, that she’s ever felt good enough for anyone. Amy makes a little noise when Karma pulls her own shirt off and she _knows_ for sure that Amy is enjoying this as much as she is.

This isn’t the usual course of action for Karma after a third kiss. Typically, she makes the guy (or girl – even if Amy’s the first) really work for it for a little while. She was a naïve teenager when she slept with Liam but the few guys she’s had since then have all had to put in their time to get into her pants.

But, like Amy’s been around for fifteen years. They go out to eat all the time, they spend entire weekends together in bed watching movies, and they’ve always spent some portion of the holidays together. They’re basically dating anyway, Karma decides.

Amy has totally put in her time. And Karma _really_ doesn’t wanna wait.

“Just…” Amy pauses her mission and stares at Karma waiting for her to continue.

“I can stop. We don’t have to do anything we can just hang out.”

“No,” Karma’s says as she struggles to formulate proper sentences. It’s a literal chore to think when Amy is just overwhelming her. “You need to just… take everything off.”

Amy raises her eyebrows, and then squints like she’s trying to figure Karma out.

“You’re sure?”

“I’m the most sure.”

Amy snorts. “Dork.”

“You love it. Now take my pants off, Raudenfeld.”

Amy doesn’t really need to be told twice. Karma is basically putty in Amy’s hands the second she feels her fingers undoing the button and zipper. This is probably going to happen right up against the wall. There’s the bed, but like, that’s across the room and Karma’s going to need Amy in her pants way before they make it there.

And if her mother decides to make another guest appearance she has quick access to the door. It’s really a matter of convenience to just stay here. Karma really doesn’t recall when Amy took her jeans all the way off but she’s in her bra and underwear a lot quicker than she thought she’d be. Amy’s got game.

“Matching set. Planning on getting lucky tonight?”

Amy’s totally messing with her but it makes Karma blush anyway. This was so far from planned.

“No, I wasn’t planning this.”

“You… I can’t believe this is gonna happen. I know I said it but you’re so ridiculously pretty, Karma-“

“Hey, Ames…” Karma is probably going to die of anticipation. She’s eighty percent sure that’s what’s going to happen. “Just take me. Please. I’m dying here.”

Amy smiles and leans in. Karma adjusts herself up against the wall to gain some leverage when Amy finally touches her. And _Jesus_. Amy’s hands are a lot smaller than she’s used to but she’s also _really_ not used to someone who seems to actually know what the fuck they’re doing. Liam always seemed like he was searching for the fucking bat cave when he tried to do anything with his hands. This meant Karma used to have to scrap the entire idea of foreplay.

But this – Amy’s not fucking around. She’s going to get Karma there _fast_. If she had known things with Amy would be like this she likes to think she would’ve ditched Liam’s ass in high school. She’s spent years being sexually unsatisfied and this one quickie against the wall in her childhood bedroom is going to top every encounter she’s ever had.

Okay, she’s only twenty but sex with Amy so far is mind blowing. She gets it now.

“Karma,” Amy pants, “are you-“

“I’m… yeah, close. Little more… friction.”

“I can do that.”

Whatever the _fuck_ adjustment Amy makes sends Karma reeling.

What has she even thought an orgasm was all these years?! Whatever has been happening has not been _that_. Karma literally can’t catch her breath. Her pulse is out of control. Amy has one hand up next to her head on the wall and one arm is around her waist. Karma’s positive Amy is the only thing that’s keeping her standing.

“Amy… literally what?”

“Was it good?”

“What? Did you even just ask that? Could you not tell?”

Amy lifts her head off of Karma’s shoulder and kisses this little spot near her ear that makes her tremble. Karma can hear her breathe out a low laugh.

“I’ve been waiting _years_ to be able to do that to you,” Amy tells her.

“You – my god. I don’t even _know_.”

Amy looks up. She looks fucking _smug_. Karma thinks she probably earned that look.

“So, do you wanna go get dinner tomorrow?”

Is this what’s actually happening? Is Amy actually asking her on a date while she’s still in the afterglow of the most amazing sex of her life?

Karma takes her hands and wipes under her eyes for any smeared mascara. She probably looks like literal hell. Amy could’ve at least waited like ten minutes.

“Are you asking me out?”

“Oh, I’m sorry. Was this a one night stand?”

Karma scoffs.

“Please. I don’t do one-night stands. You could’ve just like waited for me to put clothes back on.”

“No way. For one thing – you look so good like this,” Amy stops for a minute and kisses her softly, “and second, I’m not done with you.”

Well. Karma feels her body _react_ to Amy’s words and oh? That’s gonna be a problem.

Amy’s hands are _everywhere_. At this point she could be asked to dive off the Brooklyn Bridge and she’d probably agree.

“So, Karms, dinner? Tomorrow? With me?”

“Whatever…. whatever you want,” Karma barely gets the words out as she grabs Amy’s neck to brace herself.


	3. You Took The Best Of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love :) There are going to be time jumps in this story. Make sure to keep up with where we’re at on the timeline. And don’t hate me for this – we have a ways to go – but we need a look into present day and where Karma is at currently.

_‘Oh won’t you tell me why I keep waiting up at night leaving on the lights like you never said goodbye._

_I hear you at the door; footsteps on the floor but you’re not here no more. What hurts the most is sleeping with your ghost’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

“Karma, we’re gonna be late – have you seen my tie?”

“Downstairs where you took it off last night when Shane came over!”

Karma isn’t really in the mood for any family get together with the Bookers. Yeah, as in Liam Booker. Yeah, they’re dating again. No, it wasn’t anything she ever intended. And yeah, you can totally hate her for it.

But there were literal _years_ of mourning the loss of Amy. There were nights she thought it wasn’t ever going to get better. There were weeks when a life without her best friend/girlfriend didn’t seem worth living (it got dramatic there for a little bit).

Liam comes stomping back up the stairs (that always annoys Karma – why can’t he walk any lighter?) and kisses her on the cheek. He always manages to mess up his tie so she takes it out of his hands and proceeds to tie it for him. Sometimes it’s like she’s dating a ten-year-old boy put in a thirty year old body.

Thirty was a big milestone that still seems outrageous. When Karma thought about thirty she always pictured a huge birthday with Amy at her side. They were supposed to celebrate together and the scavenger hunt Amy was supposed to throw her would’ve been absolutely epic.

As it was, Amy sent her a text message when she turned thirty. That text went unanswered.

Instead, she celebrated with Liam at a restaurant in Dallas. They ate steak that cost too much money and drank watered down cocktails. It was… _nice_. It was traditional and he got her the best cheesecake on the menu.

The thing is Karma understands she’s pathetic for dating Liam again. It’s not at all something she’s proud of. But like, what else was she supposed to do? Amy has been pretty much avoiding Austin ever since she stomped all over Karma’s heart. And it turns out Karma is pretty awful at meeting new people even though she knows she’d be better off. Amy told her to move on – but it’s almost a given that Amy didn’t mean go running back to Liam.

Thirty years old and she still has the same group of friends from high school. The friends she and Amy made all those years ago. But Amy is gone now and Karma needed _someone_. She needed a distraction because she had to eventually accept the fact that Amy is _not_ going to come back begging for her forgiveness (it’s a nice thought though).

Liam asked her out about a year ago and she turned him down. Then she went home, cried over Amy for the _last_ time, called him back, and said yes. Karma supposes if she’d tried she could’ve taken Reagan up on her offers to go to some new bars out in the city and she could’ve found someone new. But she’s _thirty_ now. It’d be starting all over – Liam already knew her, knew her complicated history with Amy and basically knows he’s taking second place by default.

And that’s screwed up – but it’s the only way Karma can ever be with someone else.

She’s _fucked_ up and everyone knows it. Everyone but Amy.

* * *

 

Booker family parties are exactly what you’d expect. It’s always a bunch of rich bastards standing around congratulating each other on the money they made last year. Karma _hates_ it. Liam isn’t particularly fond of it either but he’s part of their company now so they’re obligated to attend.

It was somewhere in their twenties that Liam finally came clean about his family to all their friends. The bright side to this is that now all their friends attend these awful parties too so it gives Karma some reprieve. She’d probably shrivel up and die if she actually had to participate in socializing with these _assholes_ Liam’s family associates with.

“Karma!”

Thank Jesus for Shane Harvey.

They’re close now – it surprised Karma but she actually has much more quality friendships with the people who are still in her life. No one really ever brings up Amy so she’s never sure if anyone is legit in touch with her. Even Lauren avoids the subject entirely – realistically they could all be in touch with her and Karma would never know.

The first year after the break up Amy tried to talk to Karma pretty regularly – Karma never answered. The only way she was going to get through it would be a clean break. It was too hard to hear about Amy’s accomplishments and her joys when Karma was literally just drowning in her own misery. It sounds selfish – and it was – but she didn’t want to hear about Amy’s happiness.

Karma is never going to be one of those best friends that’s just happy Amy is happy because she’s jealous. Karma is so fucking jealous that Amy can be happy without her. Karma spent four years trying to be okay. Maybe she could’ve reveled in her (ex) best friend’s endeavors if Amy hadn’t literally crushed her.

How can Amy even _feel_ anything resembling happiness? So, Karma cut her out. And for a while that actually hurt worse. But Shane and Reagan insisted it was best. (Yes, Reagan – she for sure didn’t plan on that friendship).

“Shane, Duke, hey, how are you guys?” Karma hugs them both as she snags another cocktail off the waiter’s tray that passes by. “Are Reagan and Gia coming?”

“Yeah, they said they’re on their way. Lauren and Theo too.”

She kind of doesn’t mind the little family they’ve created. At this point she realizes it’s convenient to be with Liam. They all have significant others now, they all get along really well. If Karma wasn’t with Liam she probably would just have _no_ friends and be the social outcast.

Karma has always wanted to fit in. That’s just a trait she’s carried through adulthood.

She’s _thirty_ it’s a little late to fix that now.

* * *

 

The cocktail she’s holding goes quickly. So does the second – and third. This is basically how she gets herself through these parties.

“Karma with a drink? What a surprise.”

“Reagan with an attitude? That’s new.”

Reagan smirks and wraps her up in a one armed hug. Occasionally Reagan feels like some small extension of Amy that she’s allowed to have. It’s pretty fucking sad but Karma will take it. Did she ever actually get over Amy? No, probably not. Is she able to live day-to-day now and feel like the worst is over? Yeah, it doesn’t seem like much but it’s progress for sure.

“Need another?”

“I’m at a Booker party, Reagan, of course I need another.”

It’s not that she doesn’t love Liam. He’s actually a total sweetheart to her now that he’s grown up a little bit. But loving Liam a lot and being _in love_ with Liam are two completely different things. She was in love with Amy – she loves Liam as a person because he supports her and holds her when she cries and makes sure they have food on the table every night. He only took that job at Squirkle to make the money they needed to rent an apartment. Karma can’t really figure out why the fuck he even sticks around but she’s thankful.

He really should totally leave her – she’d probably beg him not to.

Whatever. So she has some questionable morals? She’s thirty, not married and has no kids – all of her life goals are completely off track. And it’s not like Amy’s coming back to sweep her off her feet. Amy is off saving lives and shit. Like that’s important (yeah, it really is but Karma refuses to acknowledge that more and more with every drink).

* * *

 

Karma has been at this fucking party for the last three hours. Liam is off making his connections and networking like a fucking regular businessman. It makes her a little bit sick that he gave up pursuing his actual passion for a company he hates. Literally just so they could move into that crappy apartment.

Jesus she hates that he did that for her.

“Hey, babe, everything okay?”

Meh. Liam.

“All good. Can you grab me another?” she hands her glass over and watches him hesitate. “Really. I’m fine. Just waiting for Reagan and Shane to come back.”

“Need anything else while I’m gone?”

Karma shakes her head and flashes him a smile before he goes.

Shane, Reagan, and Lauren come back whispering. They look at Karma cautiously. Karma knows they must be up to something but she’s had too much alcohol to care the way she knows she should. Those three can be secretive sometimes – but it’s not like she’s not used to it.

“ _Someone_ has to tell her.”

That’s Lauren. Tell who what? Now she’s sure they’re hiding something from her but Lauren rarely defends Karma so it must be serious.

Her drink is taking too long to return.

“-Shane should do it,” she catches part of Reagan’s words in the breeze.

Then Reagan is being pushed forward into the table she’s sitting at. What the actual fuck is even happening? Shane and Lauren take off into the mass of people at the bar at the back of the house. Reagan is fidgeting.

“Reagan, what-“

“Amy moved home, Karma. Last week. We thought you should know.”

Liam returns with her drink before she can even figure out how to respond to that bombshell. She hopes beyond all hope that he didn’t hear anything. Reagan gives him a tight-lipped smile and her hands are holding onto the edge of the table tightly. She’s clearly hoping the same.

“You guys cool?” he looks uncertain. They must both look very suspect.

Karma needs Liam to make himself scarce. ASAP. So it makes perfect sense that he sits down to hang out with them for the first time all night. Perfect. And her drink’s full so she has no excuse to make him leave.

Karma can fix _that_ problem.

“Babe?” she thrusts her glass over. Liam looks confused; Reagan tries to discreetly hide a laugh. It comes out more like this absurd hybrid of a cough and sneeze and Karma chuckles when he finally goes.

“What _was_ that?”

“What did you want me to do? Laugh in his face? You’re a fucking lush,” Reagan says with amusement in her eyes.

“You know it. So…”

“Yeah. Lauren just told us.”

“You don’t talk to her?”

“No, I do,” Reagan admits as she pulls a cigarette out of her purse, “not often though. She never mentioned coming home to me.”

Karma reaches out and Reagan hands it over. Yeah, she smokes sometimes when she drinks. It’s pretty typical for her and Reagan to sneak off during the parties for a quick smoke break and some conversation.

Reagan is good people – sometimes she feels bad about their rocky start. Being a bitchy, sexually confused teenager was certainly not her finest hour.

“Does she ever-“

“Karma… don’t, okay? It won’t help.”

Karma nods, inhales the smoke that burns her lungs and hands the cancer stick back to the girl across from her. Reagan’s probably right. It really doesn’t kill her curiosity though.

She hasn’t seen or talked to Amy in five years; and now she’s home.

It’s been a really hard couple of years. Karma has only just been able to breathe a little bit easier. She glances over her shoulder to see Liam standing with her drink joking with Theo, Shane and Duke. Lauren and Gia are chatting up some socialite in the corner – Karma can see the Lauren’s just fucking with the stuck up bitch from here.

Karma breathes and looks back at Reagan. She soaks it all in. This is probably all about to change.


	4. Who Am I, Without You?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is going to continue to be non-linear. Stick with me.

_‘ Lay my dreams down at your feet, baby watch out where you step. And there’s no need for us knowing all the answers yet._

_You’re back for a minute and you’re gone. And I’ll never know how close I came’_

**Three Years Before The Break Up**

It never really gets old – being with Amy. It’s been one year, eleven months and sixteen days. Karma still looks forward to the weekends like a kid waiting for Christmas morning.

But Christmas break – that’s like hitting the Amy Raudenfeld lottery. They’re both home for a month; an entire month of uninterrupted time with the girl she cannot get enough of (not that she ever could but now it’s in a whole new way).

The time she spends anticipating weekends with Amy is fucking endless. Most normal people hate Mondays but Karma fucking _loathes_ Mondays. Monday means the weekend is over. Monday means there’s five more days until she can get her hands back on her girlfriend. _Girlfriend_. Will that ever feel normal? When Liam was her boyfriend that word seemed so mundane and awkward to say. But calling Amy her girlfriend – she’s so fucking proud of that.

Yeah, Karma might be biased but Amy is like the prettiest person she has ever met. For real. And Amy truly makes her feel like she is _enough_. For Karma – that feeling is priceless and unprecedented. She’s so fucking in love with Amy she can’t see straight.

* * *

 

The music in her car is probably too loud but does it matter? Amy just got out of class and is coming her way and Karma kind of wants to get out of the car and just scream. Her excitement is probably completely out of proportion since she just saw Amy _two weeks ago_ (they had to skip last weekend to study for finals – and that _sucked_ ).

It’s basically all worth it when Karma sees Amy crossing campus.

Yeah, they’re one of _those_ couples. The ones they used to make fun of. The couple that’s completely sickening but everyone’s secretly jealous of. Karma fucking loves it. And she knows Amy does too even if she teases Karma relentlessly and pretends she doesn’t.

Amy makes her feel like singing all the fucking time. No one in the world has ever felt like this, Karma decides.

The car is suffocating and it has too many barriers. How is she going to hug Amy the way she wants if she’s seat belted into the driver’s seat? Nothing about that makes _any_ sense. So, Karma launches herself onto the sidewalk and into Amy’s waiting arms.

“Can’t. Breathe. Karms.”

“I missed you _so_ much.”

“It’s been two weeks,” but Amy squeezes her a little tighter and Karma realizes she’s being teased.

Amy has been complaining for days about missing Karma. Amy has been complaining since she walked back into her dorm building two weeks ago.

“Can we go home? I want you out of these clothes,” Karma basically purrs into Amy’s ear. There are crowds of people all around them. Amy twitches slightly and backs up. The look in her eyes has Karma wishing they could just go at it in the back seat instead of having to survive the forty-five minute ride back home.

“Karma, you _can’t_ do that.”

“What? I can’t tell my girlfriend that I want her?” Karma asks. She’s being coy. And she’s completely aware of the fact that Amy is probably ten seconds away from dragging her back into her dorm. Not that there’d be any objections on her part. “It’s been two weeks, Amy.”

“We’ve gone two weeks before,” Amy sounds like she’s trying harder to convince herself. Karma giggles because the discomfort is so fucking evident on Amy’s face.

“Yeah, we have,” Karma says as she runs her fingers down Amy’s arm. She looks up, “and it’s _so fucking good_ when I finally put my fingers-”

Karma finds a hand over mouth before she gets to finish talking. Amy licks her lips and looks around campus.

“We’re going back to my… inside. Now. Right now.”

God, Karma’s love knows no bounds for this girl. She wasn’t totally sure how a relationship would change them. Honestly, it was something she genuinely worried about in the beginning but Amy did a really good fucking job proving it wouldn’t change much. And it didn’t. It’s only made everything between them more fun and way more intense. They’re still best friends but now Karma gets to make out with her best friend. She also gets to make her best friend orgasm on a regular basis (which is one hundred percent the _greatest_ thing they’ve ever done in their seventeen years of friendship).

Karma also gets to tease Amy until she’s literally shaking with desire and that’s totally her favorite part. It’s so ridiculously satisfying to be able to see how much Amy wants her. She’s totally never getting tired of that. Who would?

* * *

 

The car ride home after their little rendezvous is quiet except for Amy’s occasional contented sighs. They make Karma smile. She’s gained a lot of experience in the last two years. Today must’ve set a fucking record time for getting Amy to come. Not that she’s keeping track or anything.

“We should try that again when we get back.”

“I’ve literally created a monster. You’re gonna kill me, Karma.”

“Oh c’mon. I’m so good at it now. Bet you I can finish you off in the amount of time it takes your mom and Bruce to pick up dinner.”

Amy fidgets in her seat and steals a look to her right. (Karma made Amy drive claiming she was tired – in reality she finds it really entertaining to watch Amy try to focus when Karma is flirting shamelessly – it’s also probably dangerous but it’s fine).

“Hey… Karma… we should probably talk,” Amy says as she reaches for Karma’s hand. _That_ is never a promising sentence. And if Amy is gonna dump her it’s really fucking rude that they just had sex and Amy got to finish while Karma’s still squirming around in her seat all hard up.

“Okay?”

“Stop. It’s not what you think. It’s just something I’ve been meaning to tell you. It’s good- well, it’s good for me - but it’ll affect us so it’s probably something we should talk about.”

Amy takes her hand back to fiddle with the settings on the heat. It’s too much space for Karma so she scrambles to put their hands back together.

“So talk.”

Amy shakes her head and squeezes Karma’s hand tightly.

“I got accepted to a program for med school-“

“Amy, what?! This is amazing! Congratulations,” Karma throws herself over the center console and makes some absurd attempt at a hug. It’s awkward. She kisses Amy’s cheek about a thousand times instead. This is everything Amy’s been working for and Karma couldn’t be prouder.

Her girlfriend is going to be a doctor. How cool is that?

“Thanks but the thing is-“

“There is no thing! You got into med school! I knew you would – I told you. I’m so proud of you,” Karma says as she pulls at Amy’s face and kisses her. Amy gives her a way too quick kiss before she looks back at the road. Yeah, driving is important but Amy’s achievements kind of top everything for Karma right now. “You are so getting lucky again when we get back.”

“I thought I already was anyway?”

“Like, I was _thinking_ about it. But now it’s definite. Dr. Raudenfeld. That’s so hot.”

Amy snorts and cracks a window like it’s not fucking December. “The _thing_ is-“

“You’re going to be a doctor, Amy. This is so awesome. I’m totally gonna start introducing you to people-“

“Karma!” Karma stops to focus for a second. She thought _that_ was the announcement – what else could there be to talk about? “Karma, I got into the University of Arkansas.”

Oh. _Oh_. That’s – not in Texas. That’s a lot farther away. That’s actually not close at all. This must be the _actual_ announcement, Karma thinks. Amy’s hand is on her thigh now and she feels a squeeze for her attention. Karma looks over – Amy looks sad, like the wind has been taken out of her sails. So, Karma tries to cheer up. She needs to gather some excitement for this again. She _has_ to.

“That’s so good, Ames. It’s a good school right?”

“It’s in the top forty in the country,” Amy tells her.

It’s clear to Karma that Amy isn’t focused on the school anymore at all and Karma feels bad about that. She does. But how is she supposed to feel now that she knows Amy isn’t going to be somewhere she can visit weekly? That’s a bitter pill to swallow when they’ve gone through just about four years of college seeing each other every single weekend. They even managed it before they were actually dating. But now? Now it’s going to be _awful_ to go long periods of time without seeing Amy. They can hardly manage two weeks without each other.

So what does this mean for them?

“Karms – it’s – listen, it’s only like seven and a half hours away… maybe eight with the way you drive.”

Karma tries to smile and plays with Amy’s fingers that are still on her leg. She’s trying really fucking hard not to get overly emotional about this. Amy deserves celebrations and dinner and presents - not tears because Karma can only manage to focus on herself.

“I know. It’s fine, really. I’m excited for you… I know how hard it is to get into those schools. And top forty? That’s literally amazing, Amy.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

“Just… worried, I guess.”

Amy taps her hand on the steering wheel and lets out a breath.

“I wanted to tell you because it is gonna affect us. You’re my girlfriend – these are things that we have to talk about. But this won’t break us, okay?” Karma’s trying really hard to believe what she’s hearing. But she’s just not sure. “I’m gonna be far – but I’m still within driving distance. I looked into everything. I can drive home-“

“You _cannot_ drive eight hours for me.”

“I can do whatever I want to see you. Just listen okay? I can drive home. Or we can meet in the middle. Denton is like three and a half hours from you – it’s like five for me but I can do that.”

“Amy-“

“No, no don’t. I can make this work. _We_ can make this work. I love you and I know you love me so there’s no reason why we can’t do this. I might not be able to do every weekend like we have been but I promise I can make time for you.”

Karma is definitely still hesitant. Maybe it would be easier to just break up now and stay friends? Maybe it would just be easier rather than trying to stay together and falling apart? Karma doesn’t see a break up years in the future going well for them. Long distance isn’t something she’s sure she believes in but Amy’s glancing at her with these hopeful eyes – and she kind of _wants_ to believe.

“You’re going to be so busy,” Karma says as she looks out the passenger window.

“Yeah, but you’re important. I can make time for what’s important.”

* * *

 

Things are kind of stilted now that they’re at Amy’s house. Farrah and Bruce decided to go out for dinner and were gone by the time they got back from Amy’s school. So, now they’re both starving sitting in the dark and things are just weird. And Karma is like fairly certain she agreed to try long distance but she’s still having doubts.

“Talk to me, Karms.”

They’re lying on Amy’s bed just staring at what’s left of the glow in the dark stars on her ceiling. Karma is always just a little surprised they’re still there this many years later.

“…I’m scared.”

“And you don’t think I am too? I almost turned the school down.” Karma hears the words and sits up immediately. Amy cannot be serious. No one in their right mind turns down a top forty program. That’s gotta be unheard of, Karma decides.

Amy is legitimately out of her mind – that _has_ to be what’s going on here.

“There’s no way I would’ve let you do that. You told me how competitive those schools are. Are you kidding?”

“I don’t – you… this thing with us – you mean everything to me, okay? I don’t know where we’ll be a few years from now but that is always gonna be true.”

“If you gave that up – you’d end up hating me-“

“I’m not capable of hating you, Karma. I’ve tried.”

Karma nudges Amy’s leg and sticks her tongue out at her before she continues.

“You’d resent me. That’d be so much worse. You’re going to this school - I’m just like… nervous about where that leaves us.”

“We’ll be okay. And if we ever get to a point where it gets too hard – _then_ we’ll have that conversation. And we’ll figure it out together. Right now – I’m here. I’m all in.”

Amy sits up and pulls Karma into her lap.

“We’re gonna do this. And I’m gonna graduate and be this big successful doctor. I’m gonna marry you,” Amy says as she kisses her, “and we’re gonna build this big house – because I’ll have money,” another kiss and then, “we can have all the kids you want-“

“Jack and Taylor?”

Amy laughs and pulls her closer. There’s really nowhere else for Karma to go but she appreciates the gesture.

“Whatever you want.”

“You. I’m always gonna want you. I know that’s really stupid and corny but-“

Well. That sentence isn’t getting finished because Amy is just kissing her like she hasn’t seen her in _months_. It’s sexy and it gives Karma some assurance that this will work. If Amy is so sure – Karma can be sure too. Karma can have some faith in them. She’s always had faith in Amy she just has to trust them both to be in it for the long haul.

“We can do this, Karma. We will.”

“All in right?”

Amy nods and keeps kissing Karma as she rids them both of their clothes.

It’s just a shame she doesn’t know what the next seven years are going to bring.


	5. How Did I Make You Go Away?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst, angst, angst. Prepare.

_‘ I got everything you need. You said you would never leave._

_Will you lie and tell me please? Don’t you leave me on my knees ‘_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

“Already ordered your coffee.”

Reagan gives a thumbs up and sits down in the booth. Karma had to legit beg Reagan to get up in time for breakfast after the party last night. But Karma is about to have a total meltdown about Amy being back in Austin and Reagan’s the closest thing to a best friend she has. It’s almost like she just fucking knew someone had to step in and take care of Karma once Amy was gone. Karma sometimes wonders if Amy asked Reagan to keep her above water. It’s a theory she has.

“Did we have to do this so early?”

“Do you actually think I slept last night?” Karma is just running on caffeine and adrenaline. She rearranges all her silverware while she waits for her eggs.

“No, probably not,” Reagan says as she looks around for the waitress. “ _Where_ is the coffee? You take it off the hot plate and bring it to the table – like c’mon this is a diner - it’s literally known for quick service.”

“I see you’re having a nice morning.”

“Well, it’s eight thirty and someone made me go drink for drink until two this morning. My headache right now is brutal. I’m old, Karma, I can’t hang anymore.”

“Suck it up. At least you got some sleep-“

“Hey. I’m still older than you. I don’t recover as quickly,” Reagan takes her cup of coffee with no thanks to the wait staff. “Yes. Finally. This took way too long. She’s not getting a full tip.”

Ah, mornings with Reagan are always such a treat. Especially when they’re both hung-over and tired. And Karma really isn’t sure she slept for more than twenty consecutive minutes – so basically they have the most pleasant breakfast table in the whole establishment. She kind of wants to pass a note to the waitress to just keep away. Also, Karma definitely plans to tip the waitress properly – even if it’s just for tolerating them for an hour.

“Give me some of your toast,” Reagan’s already reaching for her last piece of toast before the sentence is complete. Karma makes a lame attempt at snagging it back. She wasn’t really planning on eating it but it’s the principle of the matter. Reagan never even waits for the okay.

“I was definitely gonna eat that. Why do you always take my food?!”

“Because you wake me up too damn early for these breakfasts, _Carmen_.”

Reagan and Karma have a really antagonistic friendship. It has a solid foundation of sassiness with a fuck ton of snark. Karma loves it. She’s never had anything quite like it. Mornings like this she’s always thinking of Amy – wanting to thank her for at least leaving someone like this behind. Reagan has made a lot of days easier.

“Do you think I should see her?” Karma finally blurts it out. The thing she’s been waiting to ask for the last hour. Yeah, Reagan usually does better dealing with all of Karma’s worries once she’s been fully caffeinated.

“No, I don’t,” Reagan says with a mouth full of _Karma’s_ toast. “But I know you’re probably not gonna listen and find a way to see her anyway.”

Karma glares.

“You’re saying that like I never listen to you.”

“Because you don’t. And what’s it gonna help? You’re with Liam. It took you years to get over her. _Years_ , Karma. You were so angry – we don’t even know what she’s back for or for how long.”

“I know I’m with Liam. I never said I wanted to get back together with Amy.”

And she didn’t. Karma likes to think she respects herself more than that. Amy broke her heart, crushed all of her dreams, and left her bruised and battered at the end of it. Amy certainly doesn’t deserve any of her forgiveness.

The real problem is that Amy left an open door when she broke up with Karma. Amy never cheated; Amy never lied or fell out of love with Karma. She just saw herself going in a direction - one that Karma couldn’t follow. Karma had the hardest fucking time getting over Amy because her feelings were left so unresolved.

Getting back together with Amy isn’t an option. But maybe – just _maybe_ Karma can find resolution for the friendship she lost. Before all the bullshit she and Amy were best friends first. She remembers thinking they could never go backwards if they broke up, but it’s been five years and Karma thinks maybe she could learn to forgive.

One thing is for sure – not seeing Amy while she’s in Austin _is not_ an option.

“Hey!” Karma is shaken from her revelry by Reagan waving a hand in front her face, “where’d you just go?”

“Just thinking. You know I have to see her, right? And I know you don’t get it-“

“No, I get it. You do what you have to do, okay? And you know at the end of the day - I have your back.”

Reagan deserves a hug – but that’s totally not their thing. So, Karma reaches across the table and kind of nudges her arm in thanks. Reagan ducks her head and eats more of the stolen toast but Karma can see the beginnings of a smile.

* * *

 

The Cooper house is quieter than Karma’s ever seen it. There’s usually lights on; Amy’s mom can usually be seen flitting through the house making sure it looks perfect for all the guests they’re not having. Okay, so Karma hasn’t seen Farrah in years now but that’s how she always remembers this house. Everything’s dark but the cars are out front so she knows someone must be home – now it’s just finding the goddamn courage to actually knock.

She’s played this moment out in her head literally a billion times in the last few years. But none of her bizarre scenarios about seeing Amy again involved Amy hurling herself through the front door in a frenzy while yelling hateful words at Bruce.

“You know what, Bruce? Go fuck yourself then!” Amy slams the door behind her and barrels right past Karma. Halfway down the sidewalk she seems to realize and freezes.

Karma doesn’t really know what the fuck to say to any of what just happened. All of her well thought out plans are completely out the window at this point. Amy’s back looks tense. It’s clear her temper hasn’t mellowed out in the years they missed. It makes Karma kind of afraid to say anything so she waits on the step while Amy takes her good old time turning around.

“Karma?”

Karma waves awkwardly. Amy doesn’t smile – instead she lifts her hand and rubs her forehead like it’s going to rid some of the stress. Yeah, Karma realizes this is most definitely not a good time for this reunion but like, how was she supposed to know that? Amy and Bruce had always sort of gotten along when they were together – at least enough that Amy never said things like _that_.

“Everything okay?”

Amy heaves a breath. “Does it fucking look like everything’s okay?”

“I’ll just… go.”

Karma starts to walk away and gets mostly past the house next door.

“Wait,” she hears Amy say as she jogs up, “I’ll walk you home.”

Sure, Karma can understand not hashing out their past tonight. But it’s still pretty disappointing that Amy doesn’t seem even remotely happy to see her. Amy just looks like she’s walking her home out of obligation. Karma would’ve rather fucking walked home alone then.

* * *

 

No one speaks for the entire ten minutes it takes them to get to the Ashcrofts. Karma kind of wants to die she’s so uncomfortable. How the fuck does she even begin to explain to Amy that she doesn’t live here anymore? Reagan was probably right; she should’ve never done this. Too much time has passed and their relationship is so fucking far beyond repair.

Amy still looks like she’s seething when they stop walking. Karma always used to know how to fix it when Amy got this way. But now? Seeing Amy like this is just making her kind of uneasy.

“Well… thanks.”

“What did you come over for, Karma?”

“I don’t know. I heard you were home,” Karma says as she crosses her arms, “I wanted to see how you were.”

“Yeah, home. This hasn’t felt like home in a long time.”

Karma looks away. That hurts to hear. Because this place has always been where they began – she has hundreds of memories of nights they spent walking these streets.

“I’m sure your family missed you.” Amy shivers and nods. The words seem to hurt her but Karma doesn’t really know why.

“I’m sure Molly is looking for you. You should go inside… it’s getting cold out.”

“Amy, I’m thirty years old. My mom isn’t looking for me – we’re not sixteen,” Karma says and Amy closes her eyes like even hearing those words are causing her physical pain. “And besides… I don’t even live here anymore.”

“I kind of figured. Little old to be living with mom and dad, right?”

“I live in an apartment across town.”

“By yourself?”

Of course. Of course Amy would ask. Where did Karma actually think this line of conversation was gonna go if it wasn’t leading them here? Is there any way to do this nicely? Karma doesn’t really know but something is telling her that there’s probably no good ending to this exchange.

“No.”

“Oh….” Amy looks like she admits defeat when things finally start to make sense. “You’re – you’re with someone. Right?”

And how dare she seem hurt by that revelation? Karma is pretty sure Amy dumped her not the other way around.

“Did you expect me to be single for _five years_ , Amy? Did you think I was waiting for you?”

“I- no. I mean I told you to move on. I didn’t even want you to wait around for me,” Amy tells her – as if Karma really needed to be reminded of the night Amy said all that.

“Well, I didn’t. Don’t worry. I know what you asked me to do. I followed through. I’m with someone. I have been for the last year,” Karma’s voice is full of bitterness. She sees the agony on Amy’s face with every word she spits out – the revenge doesn’t feel nearly as good as she thought it might.

“Who is it?”

Fuck.

Karma looks at her shoes like they might have some sort of answer. How does she break Amy without breaking herself? Amy fucked her up, sure. But Karma got her snippy comments in – she doesn’t even want to cause any more hurt. When she looks up Amy has her head in her hands.

“Amy-“

“You don’t have to say it.”

“I didn’t plan it, okay? It was recent. I didn’t think I was ever gonna see you again. You just fucking left me like – like I never even mattered to you. We had plans and you just walked the fuck away.”

“So you just walked back to Liam?! Jesus Christ, Karma. When I said move on did you think I meant go running back to him?! You couldn’t find _anyone_ else? And now you’re – you live with him?”

“Yeah, I do,” Karma answers as she takes a step closer. It’s late they don’t need to be screaming on her parents front lawn. “You don’t get to come back here and fucking treat me like I’m the one who’s wrong. You don’t get to come back here and criticize the decisions I made; the decisions I _had_ to make to stop crying over you. You have no fucking idea what I went through – what you _put_ me through, Amy. I didn’t just lose my girlfriend. I lost my best friend when you left. I lost everything while you just went on your merry way. Yeah, I’m with Liam – he takes care of me. He was here when you weren’t.”

“He treated you like shit-“

“He isn’t the one who left me!” Karma spits out. Amy takes a step back like she’s been slapped.

“We… Karma, I did that for you. I couldn’t give you the time you deserved.”

“For me?!” Karma screws up her face and laughs. Amy has to be fucking kidding. “You did that for me? Amy, I guarantee if you saw what I went through trying to get over you – you’d take that fucking sentence back.”

Amy opens her mouth to speak but Karma is so over everything that’s come out of her fucking mouth so far.

“Did you fucking come back _for me_ too, Amy? Is that why you’re here? I just started to get over the idea of seeing you again. I just fucking started to be able to not think about you every five minutes,” Karma wipes at her tears. There was no way she was getting through this without crying. Figures. “I just started to be able to think of my future without you in it. So did you come back just to fuck me all up again? Or did you-“

“I didn’t-“

“Could you sense that I was with Liam again and you came back just so I couldn’t possibly be happy with him? Huh? Can you not live with yourself if I’m happy with Liam? It can be anyone else right?”

“No, that isn’t-“

“You did it for me. Is that what helps you sleep at night, Amy?! You’re fucking unbelievable-“

“Stop! Jesus!” Karma stops – it seems so reminiscent of the day in the car when she found out Amy got into med school. “I didn’t come back for you, Karma.”

Well. Like, Karma didn’t actually want Amy to come back for her (except the smallest piece of her hoped _exactly_ that). But it fucking stings to know Amy didn’t even have her in mind. Karma kind of always hoped if Amy showed her face in Austin again it would be to apologize because the guilt was just eating at her and she couldn’t live with herself for what she did. This totally doesn’t seem to be what’s happening.

“Then why?”

“I…” Amy pauses and runs her free hand through her hair. Karma used to fucking love when she did that. “My mom’s sick, Karma. I had to beg but I got my residency moved to St. David’s over in Georgetown so I could be here.”

Karma wants to throw up. She really doesn’t know what to say.

“She doesn’t…” Amy is stumbling through her words, “they only let you transfer when it’s… things don’t look good. That’s why I’m here.”

“Ames,” she takes a step forward but Amy just keeps backing away.

“Don’t, Karma.” and then she’s gone.

Karma just sits on the pavement and starts to cry because what the fuck just happened? And that’s exactly where her mom finds her five minutes later. Karma feels strong arms wrap around her and she hears her mom saying everything’s going to be okay – she just cries harder.


	6. It Feels Like I've Come Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff! And a glimpse into what things were like during the long distance period. I appreciate every single one of you guys that are reading – it makes my day, for real. I’ll have the next one up quick because I know the present day is kind of where things are left hanging. Don’t worry we’ll get there. For now enjoy the power of Facetime.

_‘It’s hard for the dreams when the city’s never sleeping. But we’re gonna make it though we don’t know how._

_I pay a high price for the joy of the free ride. Cause I got you and now that’s all that counts.’_

**Two Years Before The Break Up**

The ringtone startles Karma – but she knows _that_ ringtone. Amy. Thursday night has been their longstanding Facetime date for the last year that Amy’s been away. Karma swipes her thumb over the screen to answer the call.

“Hey you.”

“Hey, Karma,” Amy smiles into the screen.

“How was your week?”

“Exhausting. The usual. Med school is kicking my ass. I swear it’s been worse since I got back from break.”

“Sounds terrible. You could always just drop out and come home,” Karma’s teasing but it makes Amy laugh anyway. And that’s always kind of the goal of these phone calls.

“Sounds like a plan. I’ll just give the dean a call tomorrow,” Amy says and then she looks at Karma with this _adoration_ that kind of gives Karma the chills.

“I miss you. You know that right?”

“You tell me every week, Karms,” Amy says. “But I miss you too, this is the highlight of my week.”

“Well, duh,” Karma says as she lies back on her bed and holds her phone up in the air. “I should be the highlight of everyone’s week.”

“Damn right you should. Look at you,” Amy pathetically tries to whistle which, really? _That_ is the highlight of Karma’s entire month.

The last year has been the hardest of their relationship so far. It’s been ridiculously hard for Karma to deal with Amy being eight hours away – and sure, she knows it’s been equally as hard on Amy. But like, Amy has her schoolwork at least. Karma’s just kind of hanging around. Yeah, she has a job, obviously. And she totally has friends. It’s still hard to go from seeing Amy on the regs to basically nothing.

And Karma understands that Amy needs to focus on med school. Really she’d expect nothing less of her girlfriend. Amy is a fucking _brain_. So, yeah Amy has to succeed and Karma is her biggest cheerleader; it just kind of blows in the meantime – but she expected that much.

“Look at _you_ ,” Karma says with a wink. Amy blushes and throws a pencil at the computer screen she’s been talking through. “You’re gonna be a doctor – a really fucking _hot_ doctor, Ames. If you were my doctor-“

“Please, stop. I’m gonna have terrible mental images of you fantasizing about your doctor. And that just creeps me out because I know you go to the old guy on thirty eighth,” and Amy sounds so disgusted Karma can’t help but crack up.

“Dr. Hahn is a fox!”

Amy cringes, “You’re gross. I don’t even know why I’m with you.”

“Because you love me and you know it.”

Amy looks so amused and _in love_ that Karma is so completely overwhelmed she has to break eye contact. Honestly, the looks she gets from Amy combined with the way she feels about Amy – it’s almost too much to handle. Yeah, they might only be able to talk once a week but the feelings never fade. If anything when they do get to talk now Karma is pretty sure it’s all just heart eyes, flirting, and teasing.

“I do love you. More than you know. When are you free next month so we can plan something?”

“What exactly are we planning? Do you wanna play doctor with me, Amy?” Karma smirks mischievously into her phone.

Amy snorts. “How _long_ have you been waiting to say that?”

“Just thought of it! Good though, right?” Karma wiggles her eyebrows, “I’ll let you examine me, Ames.”

The Facetime pauses. Amy’s face is frozen on the screen; she looks so flustered. And well, Karma loves to make dirty jokes over the internet that leave Amy speechless and all red in the face.

“You’re such a hordnog, Karma. Jesus,” Karma can only hear the voice while the screen is still frozen. But she’s known Amy for the last eighteen years and Karma can tell that Amy’s pretty fucking charmed.

“Only for you.”

It’s been kind of like someone flicked a switch. They’ve been together for three years and the fact still remains that neither of them can get enough; especially now with the distance. Now, when she actually gets to be with Amy it’s all rough hands and _need_. It’s all hard touches and urgency. Amy can never seem to get the clothes off quick enough. She can never seem to get Karma off fast enough.

“So, next month?”

“I can get that Friday off the third weekend of February? We can do a long weekend in Denton?” Karma knows it’s too far away but this is how it’s been.

“Karmaaaaaaa,” Amy whines like she’s three years old again. “That’s so far. How am I supposed to go that long?”

“We Facetime every week!” Karma says.

“You know that’s not what I mean.”

“Now who’s the horndog?”

“You know I always want you,” Amy says with _those_ eyes. The ones that always make Karma a little weak. “Karma, I know I’m busy. I know this isn’t easy… and I know you weren’t thrilled with this. I just want you to know this is hard for me too. It’s still really hard being away from you.”

There’s no good answer here. So, Karma goes with, “It’s still hard for me too.”

And then Amy gets a look on her face. She has an idea. “You know… I don’t know if I can wait for next month…”

“Amy, are you trying to seduce me?”

“If it’s working – then, yes. If not – then nope that’s not at all what’s happening.”

Karma laughs. Amy is the biggest nerd sometimes. It really shouldn’t even be a surprise at this point.

“I never said it wasn’t working.”

And Amy’s eyes kind of glaze over for a second before she focuses in and says, “So, if I told you I wanted that shirt off?”

“Gimme one sec,” Karma switches from her phone over to her laptop since there’s probably no legit way to attempt to strip in a sexy way with one hand. When she finally reappears on screen she’s in a bra. Amy glances around at her room like someone’s gonna catch her with her half naked girlfriend on Facetime.

“I feel like we’re gonna get caught,” Amy whispers into her screen.

“Did you lock your door?”

“Of course I did! I wouldn’t have suggested this and not locked the door!”

“Hm,” Karma says as she thinks back on this entire exchange. “You never got up to lock your door. You’ve been planning this the whole time!”

Amy blushes and stutters.

“Miss me much, Ames?” Karma takes off her bra without being prompted – it’s met with a groan she hears through the scratchy computer speakers.

Amy always kind of loses it when Karma gets bold and confident. It’s something Karma learned a while ago and takes advantage of from time to time. Their relationship started with Amy having the upper hand (she had the experience with girls after all). But once Karma figured out how easy it was to make Amy crumble – that lack of experience didn’t matter so much anymore. All that matters now is how Amy loses all ability to form coherent sentences when Karma loses her clothes.

“You – how are you so _sexy_?” and that one makes Karma blush.

“How do you still think that? It’s been like three years.”

“I’m never not gonna think that, Karma,” Amy says as she rests her chin in her left hand. “It’s been a lot longer than three years for me by the way.”

“Must you always remind me?” Karma grins. Amy just smiles back and raises an eyebrow. “How bout you ditch the shirt I’m feeling a little exposed here.”

This relationship is the best thing that ever happened to their friendship. Karma never could’ve imagined how perfect they are for each other. Well, she could - but not like _this_. There’s not one other person on the face of the earth she’d be stripping for. There’s no one else she’d be trying this long distance thing for – but then again there’s no one else she’d rather be with. Amy is it for Karma – and Karma’s never been so one hundred percent about anything in her life.

Those teenage years were hard – she was insecure and with all the wrong people (by that she means person, and by person she means Liam). Karma was looking for somewhere to fit and someone to belong to. Amy changed all of that. Karma’s really come into her own in a lot of ways because of Amy – one day she’ll thank her best friend for all of it.

For now though Amy is taking off her shirt and is totally not wearing a bra so all of those serious thoughts are going to have to take a backseat to her hormones.

“So… if you were with me right now…” Karma stands and shimmies out of her jeans in what she hopes is a sensual way. Amy’s reactions say she’s doing just fine. “What exactly would you be doing?”

“This is _not_ fair.”

“Tell me or I’ll put my pants back on.”

“You already took your clothes off. That’d be my first step.”

“Keep going,” Karma says as she trails a hand towards the waistband of her underwear.

“I’d definitely kiss you. Literally _everywhere_ -“

“I love when you do that.”

“I know you do. Where are you going with that hand, Karma?” Amy’s eyes are following Karma’s hand like a cat following a laser pointer. Karma almost laughs – but it’d kind of spoil the mood.

“February’s far away. You wanna talk me through this?”

“ _Why_ have we not done this before?” Amy sounds fucking exasperated. Karma makes a noise she totally didn’t mean to make when her hand finally makes contact.

“Amy-“

“Slow. I like to start slow with you. It always gets you really worked up, Karms.” Karma works her hand lower, “and _not_ inside. We’re not there yet.”

“I- _Jesus_.”

“You love when I tease you. If you want me to walk you through it then listen. Go slow and really feel it because I’d definitely be dragging this out.”

Karma’s probably going to die. Amy really just stepped up in a way she didn’t expect. She can’t control her breathing with Amy’s voice in her ear and her own hand picking up speed. Yeah, Amy told her slow but that’s just not gonna work – she’s way too close and it’s been way too long since Amy’s hands have been on her.

“You need to-“

“Faster. Inside. C’mon, Karma.”

That’s really all Karma needs. Four simple words out of Amy’s mouth and she’s completely fucking done for.

“ _Fuck_ , Karma. We-“

A knock at Amy’s door startles them both. Amy’s eyes double in size comically - like there’s evidence of their escapade absolutely _everywhere_.

Karma can hear the voice through the door as some stranger says, “Yo, Amy! We have a mandatory meeting with all first years in like five minutes, let’s go! We’re all grabbing dinner after too. Meet us at the hall.”

“Shit! I gotta go. Totally forgot about the meeting.” Amy is running around her room gathering items. She throws a white coat over her shoulders before she turns back to her laptop and Karma.

“Okay. Right. Meeting,” Karma says as she throws her shirt back over her head. Yeah, that orgasm was totally hot but she still feels a little bit dumb that Amy has to just leave. And it’s really not Amy’s fault – she can’t skip a mandatory meeting.

“Karma, hey. I’m sorry,” Amy tells her. She really does look like she feels bad – Karma knows this isn’t by choice. “I love you. I promise I’ll text you later.”

“Love you too.”

“And by the way,” Amy starts. Karma stares back at her girlfriend, “I’ll be thinking about that all night. This meeting’s gonna be a waste – I’m not gonna be able to concentrate to save my life.”

“Maybe I’ll return the favor next week.”

Amy pauses. Then smiles and waves goodbye as the screen goes black. Sure, being with Amy still feels awesome and Karma still loves her and they’re making this long distance thing work the best they can. Cyber sex totally rules and Amy managed to get her off with words alone – so, that’s pretty fucking bad ass that they can still find a way to be intimate.

But really, at the end of the day being eight hours away from her girlfriend still sucks. Just like she knew it would.


	7. If We Don't Bend This Might Break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ll forewarn you guys – Liam is really not gonna be the bad guy in this story so you might just have to accept his presence occasionally.

_‘I’m hoping you weren’t heaven sent cause only hell knows where you’ve been._

_Your built composure’s wearing thin and all your walls are caving in._

_Before you shut this down I just wanna lift you up’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

Liam’s asleep by the time Karma gets home. She’s emotionally drained and the thought of sleeping next to him tonight – that’s just not gonna happen. It’s probably just gonna be another night of no sleep anyway. So, tea it is.

“Karma?”

She’s got the teapot on the stove when he finally comes out into their living room. He’s wrapped in their comforter still half-asleep with his hair sticking up in fifty different directions.

“Hey.”

“Everything okay? You barely slept last night after the party - I thought you’d crash tonight,” Liam sounds worried.

Karma just feels like shit because he’s been the last thing on her mind. Every thought has been occupied by Amy. And now Farrah.

“Yeah. I stopped at my parents for a while.”

“It’s like two in the morning.”

The whistle from the kettle makes her jump. She pulls down two mugs from the cabinet and makes them both a cup.

“I lost track of time I guess,” Karma says as she hands him the tea she didn’t bother asking if he wanted.

They both take a seat on the couch. She can tell Liam doesn’t know if he should let this go or not. And she doesn’t know if he should either. Maybe he should know Amy’s back in town. But this apartment – their life together – is something of a security blanket. Karma just isn’t totally ready to shatter this into a million pieces too.

Everything in the little world she’s created feels like it’s falling apart. She _needs_ this (and him) still.

“I missed you tonight,” Liam says softly.

“I know. I’m sorry, I should’ve called.”

Liam seems to realize her mood isn’t really going to resolve itself with a cup of tea so he lifts his left arm offering her a spot next to him inside the blanket. Yeah, Karma probably shouldn’t take advantage of the fact that he’s being so goddamn nice but she could use someone who’ll hold her and not ask questions. Her mom was a good substitute but it’s nice to have him to come home to. He’s definitely not the worst to have at the end of the day.

Karma feels her whole body tense up as she tries to delay the tears that she can feel coming. This isn’t about losing Amy. These tears that are catching up with her now are for a million reasons other than their break up. She feels Liam take the mug out of her hand and set it on the coffee table before he pulls her into his chest and lets her cry it out.

Damn him.

All Karma can think is that Amy’s about to lose the only parent she’s ever really known. How can that be? How did they get here? And how is Amy supposed to survive that? Karma thinks of losing her own mom or dad and how hard that would be – and she has two parents. Amy doesn’t even know her dad – Farrah is all she’s _ever_ had. Karma cries because she realizes Amy switched hospitals and programs so it stands to reason that Amy really has no one in Austin anymore.

Amy is going to do this alone – and Karma can’t have that.

“Karma, really is everything okay?”

She sniffles and wipes at her eyes but then she sees his stupid hair all over and those dumb sweatpants he always wears to bed. The tears start all over when she realizes she might lose Liam somewhere along the way. She might lose the family she created with all her friends. No one in their right mind is going to approve of her trying to help Amy through this.

But the more she thinks about it the more she doesn’t really care about any of their opinions.

Amy was her best friend from when they were _five years old_. Amy was there when the boy in the park broke her heart. Amy was there when Zen was a total douche face and called her names. Amy was there when the mean girls at school made fun of her. Amy has always been there – except when she wasn’t. But Karma fucking knows if the situations were reversed and Molly was sick Amy wouldn’t think twice about being her support system – even now Amy would totally still drop everything.

It wasn’t Amy that cut off contact after they broke up – that was all Karma. That was self-preservation. Amy tried to stay in touch and keep talking and maintain a friendship. At the time Karma couldn’t handle that. And she really doesn’t know if she can even handle that now – but she’s thinking that she has to try.

There isn’t a world where she can imagine letting Amy try to do this alone. Amy’s really fucking strong but this is going to break her.

“Liam?” he continues to rub her back but she knows he’s paying attention. “Can you just… sit here with me?”

“Absolutely,” and he asks no more of her after that. Karma thinks she’s pretty a pretty horrendous human for not loving him the way he loves her.

* * *

 

Morning finds them still on the couch – Liam’s sitting up sleeping while Karma has her head in his lap – she never really slept. His neck’s going to hurt like a bitch today. When she looks at the time she realizes he’s gonna be late for work. Effing Mondays.

“Wake up, sleepy,” Karma shakes him awake gently.

“Mm, I slept like garbage.”

“I’m really sorry I made you stay out here with me –“

“Nah, don’t worry about it, babe,” he slides out from under her and works his head from side to side trying to stretch out his stiff neck. “What do you have planned for today?”

“Not sure, really. Might meet Reagan later,” Karma says. She’s always off Mondays but she has no intention of meeting Reagan. And so the lies begin. She’s on her way down a really fucking slippery slope.

* * *

 

Seton Shoal Creek Hospital is one of the best in Austin. It’s about a fifteen-minute drive from Karma’s apartment. She left not long after Liam took off for work.

Karma remembers being here when she was eight years old and Amy fractured her wrist trying to jump over a fence. They gave her a blue cast (Amy hated pink) and Karma was the first one to sign it. It seems like a lifetime ago.

This isn’t ever how she pictured being back.

All the hallways look basically the same but she keeps following the signs to the ICU on the third floor. It kind of baffles her that Amy would want to dedicate her life to being in hospitals when she’s literally about to walk back out the nearest exit. But she’s here to show support.

Farrah is laying in the hospital bed hooked up to tubes and wires. There’s machines beeping and buzzing – it’s overwhelming. The last time Karma saw her was a few years back in a grocery store. She was bright and a bit too judgmental but still exactly how Karma remembered her. This looks nothing like Amy’s mom. This woman is fragile and weak. She’s struck by how fucking mortal their parents are.

Amy is perched at the side of the bed in a puke green colored chair. Her back is to Karma. She wonders for a second where Lauren and Bruce are – then a monitor goes off and there’s a whirl of nurses and doctors that shove Amy off her chair and out of the way. Another nurse comes from the hallway with a big red cart full of medicines and an assortment of things that remind Karma of torture devices.

“Can I help? What can I do?” she hears Amy desperately looking for some way into the commotion. Karma can’t imagine it’s easy to know what’s happening but not be able to be involved. Amy definitely looks like she’s about to start hyperventilating.

* * *

 

The beeping gets louder from the monitors. The nurses are surrounding the bed. And no one is really concerned about Amy standing in the corner with wide tear-filled eyes; no one but Karma. She closes her eyes for a second and hopes Amy will just accept her help – so she kind of slides along the wall into the room and grabs Amy by the wrist.

“What-“ it takes Amy’s eyes a second to focus on who’s touching her and a few seconds longer to really register who she is, “Karma?”

Karma nods and pulls Amy towards the door.

“She’s crashing, sats in the sixties, BP dropping, I need fluids and a non-rebreather. Now!”

Amy starts to resist Karma’s hold and moves back to the room but Karma won’t let go. This isn’t anywhere Amy needs to be. Karma could give a fuck if she’s a resident - she doesn’t need to be watching her mom go through this. There’s a definitive difference between a stranger and your biological mother; Karma doesn’t need to work in the medical field to understand that.

She feels Amy’s hand shaking – the anxiety in Amy is coming off in waves. So, Karma tugs harder until she can pull Amy into her arms and away from all the crap going on five feet away from them. It’s that hug that does Amy in - the sobs come quick and harsh. Karma wants to cry too but she can’t be the one needing comfort right now – that’s not her mom in that room.

“Ames…” Karma holds her tighter.

“She can’t – die,” Amy cries harder, “I’m not… Karma, she can’t. I’m not ready…”

“They’re doing everything they can.”

It’s so easy to revert to this with Amy. It’s so easy to just be her friend when Amy is lost and scared and looking for comfort. They’ve just kind of always been each other’s source of comfort – even if Karma literally hated Amy’s guts (and she doesn’t) she’d still be here holding Amy. She’d still be the one getting her through this.

* * *

 

It takes twenty more minutes out in the hallway before the nurses and doctors seem to have things stabilized. Amy is still hysterical in Karma’s arms.

“Amy?” a nurse comes out looking like she just fought a battle.

Amy’s quick to compose herself. She turns around to confront one of the women who just saved her mom. Karma just marvels at her (ex) best friend’s ability to put on a poker face – she’s pretty sure she’d still be incapable of hearing any kind of news.

“How is she?”

“Stable. She coded,” Amy nods and Karma has no idea what half the words they’re saying mean. But Amy is so smart and almost a full-fledged doctor. Yeah, they’re on bad terms right now but Karma is still really proud seeing Amy in action. It’s still nice knowing Amy achieved her dreams even if she had to sacrifice Karma to have them.

“I still can’t really give you a timeframe. Realistically, this is going to take her eventually but she’s strong and she got through it. She’ll probably need a transfusion later tonight.”

“Makes sense. Thanks, Jan. Can I go back in?” Amy seems so professional that Karma almost has to convince herself that she was just a basket case less than five minutes ago.

“Yeah, of course,” the nurse says as she lays a hand on Amy’s shoulder. Then she disappears back to the nurse’s station.

Karma follows Amy in quietly. She’s really not sure if she’s welcome but she just went through that with Amy too. So, it’s certainly not unreasonable of her to want to make sure Farrah is okay too.

All the monitors are back to their normal beeping and all the numbers look okay – at least they look okay to Karma so really who the fuck knows. She thought they looked okay before too and that was totally not the case. Amy’s back in the chair from before and Karma is just holding down the fort from against the wall.

It’s a few minutes before Amy acknowledges her presence again.

“You can sit, Karma,” Amy points to a chair on the other side of the bed.

“What’s wrong with her?” Karma asks quietly as she takes the chair.

“She...” Amy grabs her mom’s hand gently and Karma’s heart lurches in her chest. Amy looks so fucking miserable. “Breast cancer. That she missed. Because she wasn’t going to her appointments like I told her to.”

“I’m so sorry, Amy.”

“Thanks. And thank you – ya know for out there. I just – thank you,” Amy lays her head down on Farrah’s arm. Karma hears a sigh, “I’m a fucking doctor why didn’t she just go to her appointments like I told her to? They did all the chemo. They did all the radiation – if she had fucking caught it earlier...”

“She never listened. Not even when we were little,” Karma says and Amy smiles for a second.

“She really didn’t,” then her eyes darken, “I’m just so fucking angry. I’m… I don’t even know how to feel. I do this all the time I just never thought like… that I’d have to watch it happen to _my_ mom.”

But then again, who does? No one grows up thinking his or her parents are going to eventually be a death’s door even though death is inevitable. Karma doesn’t really know what you’re supposed to say to someone who’s about to lose a parent. She’s pretty sure there are no words she could say that are going to bring any comfort at this point.

All she can really do is be here.

Up until now she’d been pretty hesitant about this. Up until now she thought maybe she’d stop in and see how Farrah was and exchange a few pleasantries with Amy and do the whole ‘I’m here if you need to talk’ thing – and then she’d leave completely aware that Amy would probably never call for her help.

But then Farrah almost _died_ right in front of them. And Amy looked like she was losing everything good in the world. And so how in the fuck can Karma not be there? How could Karma not still have a huge soft spot for Amy? Karma is always going love Amy in one way or another – she’s not so heartless that she can see Amy in that kind of pain and leave her behind.

Her heart is always a little bit too big when it comes to Amy – and her love is probably just a little bit too strong. And after everything Amy did and all the pain she endured this is probably a huge mistake. But it’s _Amy_.

“Karma?”

“Hm?”

“Would you – you can say no – but this has been like the _worst_ day ever… do you wanna go like…” Amy can’t seem to find the words and Karma takes some pity.

“We can get out of here for a little while if you want?”

“God, yes,” Amy says as she slips her coat on and kisses Farrah’s cheek.

Everything between them is so _not_ fine but if Karma can do one thing to make it a little easier - then she’s going to. It just might be the most awkward night ever.


	8. I Should've Known Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not going to be the most pleasant flashback. We may be all out of fluff for now. I might be able to get another one up quickly but if not it’ll only be a few days, no worries.

_‘Oh, you can’t hear me cry, see all my dreams die. From where you’re standing on your own_

_You caused my heart to bleed and you still owe me a reason cause I can’t figure out why… Why I’m alone and freezing’_

**Three Months Before The Break Up**

It’s Thursday again. It’s eleven o’clock. And Karma is still waiting on the call from Amy. They usually Facetime somewhere between eight and nine but every week is getting later and later. And every week Amy has less time for her. Even the texts are starting to diminish.

It hurts Karma more than she’s willing to admit (a lot more).

She can hear her parents in the hallway outside her door – they’ve been debating for the last thirty fucking minutes over whether they should check on her. Karma hopes they just leave her the fuck alone. She can’t handle them right now.

“Lucas, I think she just needs her space,” her mom says.

Karma sighs. She puts a pillow over her face and screams.

“Should we say something to Amy? I don’t like the idea of her hurting our little girl.”

If her dad says something to Amy – Karma is pretty fucking sure she’s just never going to forgive either one of them.

 _Ever_.

“No, leave them be. Amy loves Karma. They’re going to get through this she’s just a little late calling. It’s a rough patch.”

Thank god for her mom. (And that is not something she thinks often).

And then her phone rings. _Finally_. Karma accepts it immediately. It’s not like she’s been waiting all week for this or anything.

Fine. So she was.

But it’s been like two days since she’s even gotten a text from Amy; Karma kind of feels like she’s starting to experience symptoms of withdrawal. Or something like that. Whatever.

“Sorry I’m late,” Amy says and she looks out of breath, distracted, and exhausted.

Karma immediately wants to go all motherly and make sure Amy’s getting enough sleep and eating properly and taking care of herself. But sometimes she has to make herself remember that Amy is a grown woman. And med school is _hard_. Still, it’s really fucking difficult for Karma to bite her tongue. All of her instincts are screaming for her to take care of Amy. Just like she always has.

“It’s fine,” Karma lies because Amy doesn’t need her moping right now. “Everything okay?”

“I’m just so fucking stressed out. I have a paper due, I got reamed out by a neonatologist today at rounds for not knowing an answer, I have to be up in like four hours for a different clinical, and to top it all off I have a test Monday morning.” Amy has bags under her eyes that rival a corpse, “I just wanna come home, Karma.”

There is _nothing_ Karma wants more than to have Amy home. She really almost books a flight. But none of that is what Amy actually _needs_. Amy needs a cheerleader and some motivation. Amy needs a best friend right now. And that’s where things get tricky for them – Karma has to play both roles now.

“It’s all gonna be worth it, Ames.”

“I keep telling myself that – but I think I’m in over my head sometimes. I’m just SO tired. Like, I didn’t think I could physically be _this_ tired.”

“Coffee and red bull though, right?”

Amy grins and Karma suddenly thinks it’s a good night. It so doesn’t matter that she hasn’t heard from Amy in days; it’s just nice to see her smile.

“My heart’s probably gonna explode soon with all the fucking caffeine.”

“I like your heart.”

“Mm, I’ve missed that cheesy humor.”

“Yeah, well I miss you – haven’t heard from you in a few days,” Karma says. Amy looks apologetic as she runs a hand through her hair.

“I know… and I miss you too. I barely have time to breathe here. It’s just hard right now.”

“I get it – just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you,” Amy nods at Karma’s words.

But then she looks away and says, “I know I suck right now but I gotta cut this short–“

Karma’s face falls. “Already?”

“I’m probably pulling an all nighter as it is to finish this paper and I need to be up by three thirty so I can be in the hospital by five forty five. It’s like an hour away from here. I’m _really_ sorry, Karma. Love you.”

“Love you too,” Karma replies but Amy’s already gone and the screen is already black.

* * *

 

**November 6 (6:03 PM)**

**Karma** : Hey… just thinking of you. Love you. <3

**(10:25 PM)**

**Karma** : Night Ames. Hope you get some sleep tonight.

**November 7 (11:26 AM)**

**Karma** : Just got this sandwich at lunch at work that you’d LOVE lol .. can’t wait to see you next month.

**(10:14 PM)**

**Karma** : Saying goodnight. Haven’t heard from you in a few… you better be taking care of yourself. Love you.

**November 8 (12:51 PM)**

**Karma** : Me and Reagan are going to see that new movie with Matt Damon tonight – I’ll have to tell you how it is. We miss youuuuuuu

**(11:32 PM)**

**Karma** : Amyyyyyyy I miss youuuuuuuu

 **Amy** : Hey… are you drunk? Lol

 **Karma** : OMG AMY! I’ve love youuu and yes lol Reagan and I stopped at Applebee’s for a few drinks. They have a happy hour. Did you know this?!

**(11:55 PM)**

**Amy** : I did know about the happy hour. Be careful getting home. Love you too.

**November 9 (9:37 AM)**

**Karma** : Sorry about the drunk texts last night. It was really good to hear from you.

**(10:02 PM)**

Karma: Guess you’ve been busy :( night Ames.

**November 12 (8:45 AM)**

**Karma** : We still on for Facetime tonight? Barely heard from you this week.

**(2:16 PM)**

**Amy** : Yeah. Might be late. Talk to you then.

* * *

 

“Hey,” Karma smiles into her laptop screen. It’s been a really long fucking week.

“Sorry… about this week,” Amy says as she keeps writing on 3x5 index cards on the desk in front of her.

“It’s fine,” and Karma is starting to realize that’s her new lie. This feels anything but fine. “Busy week?”

“Like you wouldn’t believe. I don’t think I slept since we talked last Thursday.”

Amy’s distracted. She’s actually barely present in this conversation and Karma is really close to boiling over. It’s one thing for Amy to be busy – she gets that, really, she does. But if she can’t even be _here_ for two fucking seconds Karma wonders what the point of this call even is.

Amy might as well have saved herself the time and wi-fi.

“Amy, if you’re busy we could’ve just skipped this week,” and Karma is fairly certain she sounds fucking irritated because Amy stops writing.

“You okay?”

“Fine.”

“You don’t seem fine,” and Amy seems worried now. Like she just realized things are definitely _off_.

“Things just seem weird with us right now and I don’t really know how to be.”

Amy blows out a breath and cracks a few knuckles. She won’t make eye contact. Karma can feel herself getting upset. She hates fighting with Amy. She especially hates fighting now when she has no way of hugging her girlfriend at the end of it. It’s hard to feel like a fight ended. She can’t even physically touch Amy to make sure things are good for real.

Instead things just keep feeling _weird_ and Karma can never really tell if she should act normal.

“Listen, I know we don’t get to talk much. I just… I wish I could even try to explain how busy I am. I really didn’t think it’d be like _this_.”

“I get it. I’ve been really supportive-“

“I know and you’ve been amazing for that, Karma. I appreciate it so much.”

“I just wish you could answer a text occasionally. I mean - it takes two seconds.”

“I barely even have my phone. I don’t even check it half the time.”

“But-“ Karma says with this really small, quiet voice “… don’t you _want_ to talk to me?”

Karma knows she sounds pitiful. It’s not her best moment. But it almost feels like Amy is slipping through her fingers and Karma doesn’t know how the fuck to be because Amy wasn’t _ever_ supposed to make her feel like this. Amy is - was different.

“Of course I _want_ to talk to you. I have like fourteen hour days though and my phone just isn’t even my priority. I never even know what day it is,” Amy says as she stands and starts pacing the room.

Karma has a headache and kind of feels like her lunch is on its way back up.

This is _awful_. Everything about this feels terrible.

“You’re pacing – what’s going on? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong.”

“You pace when something’s wrong or you’re nervous.”

Amy stops and sits back in her chair. “I won’t be able to see you next month like we planned.”

Karma somehow manages to stop herself from freaking the fuck out. Amy looks upset enough as it is. She wishes they could just hit rewind. Karma is so fucking done with this entire call. Getting into this with Amy was just a bad idea and everything’s getting worse by the minute.

“So… you can’t see me next month and you won’t be home for the holidays either I’m guessing?” Karma’s being a bitch again – she doesn’t feel bad.

“No, I need the time to get ahead,” Amy says.

Yeah, the words hurt Karma but it’s the face on the screen that’s hurting her more. Amy’s bottom lip quivers just slightly and Karma can see the tips of her ears getting red – all the signs that indicate Amy’s about to cry.

Well. Now she feels bad. And if Amy actually does cry then Karma’s going to feel like the biggest dick.

“Please don’t-“

“I’m _trying_ , Karma. I’m doing everything I can. This is really fucking hard and I have so much on my plate.”

“I know, I didn’t mean it.”

“This – I love what I’m doing here. I’m making a difference – or learning to make a difference, anyway,” Amy says. Karma can tell by her voice that she’s still holding back tears. “Of course I want to see you and talk to you but if I want to not fail the fuck out of med school then it has to be my number one priority. This is my _career_ and I don’t just want to be average I _have_ to be above that.”

“You’re not average, Amy.”

“Yeah,” and she fidgets in her chair, “well, tell that to my professors.”

“Don’t tempt me. You know I’ll call them all by tomorrow if you tell me that.” Amy rolls her eyes but she’s smiling a little bit.

“It still means a lot that you believe in me.”

Karma shrugs and grins back before she says, “Even if we hated each other I’d still believe in you… I’d _still_ be proud of you.”

“So much talk about hating me.”

“You just never know,” Karma says and then she winks. Amy laughs.

It’s entirely weird how things went from really intense to pretty lighthearted in a span of five minutes. It makes Karma’s head spin. She doesn’t really understand how any of it happened – all she knows is it’s going to be a while before she sees Amy again.

“I have crap to finish and I have to be up in,” Amy glances at the clock in the corner of her computer screen, “oh, three hours. Greaaaaat.”

Karma shudders, “I’ll get extra sleep just for you.”

“Ah, thanks. You’re the greatest, Karms.”

“Can’t believe you’re just figuring that out.”

“I can be a little slow,” and Karma chuckles, “Love you. Talk to you soon.”

“Love you too.”

* * *

 

**November 13 (9:53 AM)**

**Karma** : Hope you got some rest <3

 **Amy** : Solid 2.5 hours. Thanks <3

**November 14 (10:42 PM)**

**Karma** : Hey… thinking of you. Had your favorite candy today. Hopefully things are going okay. Night. Love you.

**November 17 (1:04 PM)**

**Karma** : Been a few days. Just checking in. <3

**November 19 (11:16 AM)**

**Karma** : Just seeing if you’re around for tonight? It’s been a week.

**(8:33 PM)**

**Karma** : Amy?

**(9:20 PM)**

**Amy** : I’m not sure yet. I’ll get back to you. At the library working on my final.

**(10:59PM)**

**Karma** : Guess that’s a no then?

**(11:38 PM)**

**Karma** : Text me tomorrow I guess…

**November 20 (3:44 AM)**

**Amy** : Really sorry, Karms. Forgot I had a study group. Promise we’ll talk soon.

* * *

 

But Amy misses next week too. And Karma realizes Amy’s not even in her residency yet – this is just going to get worse.

But Karma’s still not ready to admit defeat – they’re Karma and Amy – med school isn’t going to be what breaks them.

That’s what Amy said – and they’re both still all in.

Right?


	9. I Don't Think I Can Go There Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, the angst is heavy. Because I have no self control.

_‘Reoccurring dreams and how I just can’t sleep unless I’ve had a drink or five._

_Oh these feelings_

_I don’t know if you’ve been there, I don’t think I can go there again’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

They’ve been out for a few hours now – at a local dive bar not far from the hospital. It was Amy’s suggestion. And really, who was Karma to disagree? She’s not the one with a dying mother. So, here they are.

The point of bizarre and uncomfortable has come and gone. Amy has probably had one too many drinks and Karma knows she’s going to have to be the responsible one. (It’s a turning of the tables because usually she’s the drunk and Reagan is usually carrying her home – but Karma isn’t the one that needed the alcohol today).

“Do you remember when Zen told on us for using your mom’s organic baking dishes for the Betty Crocker mix?”

“Oh god,” Karma laughs at the memory, “she was so pissed! I don’t think she’s ever been so mad at us – she was always all about us having the ‘freedom’ to grow and explore but god _forbid_ we make fucking boxed brownies.”

“Everyone has a limit I guess?” Amy says.

“Yeah, who knew my mom had the weirdest limit on the planet,” Karma rolls her eyes and looks at Amy, “That day was fun. We were what? Like seventeen?”

“No! We were definitely like fifteen – we had no friends.”

“Ah, the good old days, right?” Amy just shakes her head and smiles at Karma’s attempt at passive aggressiveness.

It’s not exactly _easy_ to be spending extended periods of time with Amy. It confuses Karma and makes everything that’s happened in the past feel pretty foggy. If she let herself go she definitely could just be here in the present and things could be simple. It’d take two seconds for Karma to forget everything from five years ago and just _be_.

Sure, Karma could do that. But she’s older now – and wiser – and that won’t solve any of their fucking problems.

Things are mostly really fucking complicated.

It doesn’t mean she doesn’t want to just hang out with Amy and let things slip into that easy banter they’ve always had. (That’s pretty much what’s been going on anyway). Still, Karma can’t let herself forget that Amy is basically a heartless bitch who dumps people after promising the future.

For real – that happened.

(Okay, so Amy isn’t heartless at all but maybe Karma needs to tell herself that to keep her own head on straight).

Which, okay maybe that’s not fair to Amy but what else is Karma really supposed to do? If she doesn’t keep reminding herself of the past she’d just deny it ever happened – she’s good at denial. She’s definitely self-aware enough to acknowledge the fact that she’ll deny anything she doesn’t really feel like dealing with.

“I’ll take another,” Amy says to the bartender.

“Amy.”

“Karma.”

And so Amy has four more after that. Clearly, this is going to end well.

* * *

 

“C’mon, Amy… we’re almost there,” Karma says as she lugs Amy to her parents’ front door.

She tried to take Amy to Farrah and Bruce’s. She did. Amy sat down in the parking lot and straight up _refused_ to go there. Turns out Amy and Bruce aren’t on good terms but Karma has yet to be able to find out why. Amy’s not giving up any information – and to be honest, Karma wouldn’t really trust much that came out of her mouth at this point.

And like, Karma really couldn’t take her to the apartment she shares with Liam. No chance of that going over well. So, here they are back at her parents like they’re fucking sixteen years old. The veil of nostalgia hanging over them is pretty much _killing_ Karma.

“Is your mom gonna be mad?” Amy whispers – like they’re not both thirty years old.

And for a second Karma lets herself get carried away, “No, if we’re quiet she won’t catch us.”

Amy smiles and clumsily raises a finger to Karma’s lips to shush her. Karma snorts. Amy’s _such_ a loser – that hasn’t changed.

And maybe this is what Amy needs. Maybe Amy needs to pretend like everything that’s happening with Farrah – just _isn’t_. And the path of least resistance right now is just to let Amy have this moment.

Problem is - it’s definitely not the path of least resistance for Karma’s aching heart.

It’s not fucking easy getting Amy up to her old room. Karma notices her mom peaking out of her room with raised eyebrows and questioning eyes – Karma waves her away. Yeah, she sees the worry in her mother’s eyes but she ignores that shit too.

If she starts paying attention to everyone’s ‘concern’ – if she starts to logically think about what she’s doing - she won’t be able to do this.

“Karma… everything’s spinning.”

“Mm, we should get you to the bathroom.”

Amy falls over everything; even things that aren’t there to fall over. Amy isn’t graceful without alcohol – at least that’s what Karma remembers – but this is a new level of clumsy. She gets Amy two whole steps into the bathroom before she’s over the toilet heaving up the entire day’s worth of drinks.

Awesome.

And like any good friend Karma is right there moving her hair out of the way. No one should spend the night smelling like puke. And Karma definitely doesn’t want Amy stinking up her old room. That’s just gross.

Amy groans as she lays her head down on the toilet seat.

Karma cringes and moves her because she really cannot allow that. Her dad doesn’t always lift the lid (especially since she moved out) and his aim isn’t all that precise. If she’s not letting Amy smell like puke there’s no way she’s letting her lay her head on _that_.

* * *

 

Nothing about this night is going the way she thought it would. Literally _nothing_. They were supposed to just get out of the hospital for a change of scenery and some air because Amy was about ten seconds away from losing it.

And now she’s laying Amy in her old bed and getting her water and ibuprofen and _taking care_ of her. Like she always has.

 _Fuck_.

It’s all very surreal for Karma – being back in her old room with Amy while her parents are down the hall. Taking care of Amy after too much drinking like they did when they were younger – back before they knew they had an end date.

And having Amy in her bed - that’s the worst part.

It’s been years since she’s seen Amy like this. It’s been years since she’s talked to Amy. But it all comes flooding back like it was literally just yesterday. Every moment they ever spent in Karma’s old room is suddenly playing out right in front of her and its colliding with the present in a very big way. Karma just kind of wants to cry. She wants to go running home to Liam because this isn’t what she signed up for.

This room is too significant. _Amy_ is too significant.

Karma closes the door (to keep her curious mother out) and remembers the first time they had sex right up against the wall. She remembers Amy asking her to dinner two seconds later. She remembers playing hide-and-seek with Zen – crushing themselves into her small closet - hoping he was too stupid to search all the obvious places. She remembers staying up too late at sleepovers; Netflix documentaries and bitching in Amy’s ear when she was bored. She remembers doing Amy’s homework on the floor in the corner because Amy’s hand was in that stupid (blue) cast. She remembers refusing to leave when her gam gam died; Amy was the only person allowed in. She remembers mornings cuddled up with Amy in the blankets; lacking sleep because they were up all night exploring each other.

She remembers stupid arguments, old coloring books, eating entire pizzas, pictures on her mirror, phone calls before school, Facetime on Thursdays, cramming for tests, laughing until they couldn’t breathe, complaining about parents, dressing up Barbies, choreographing dance moves, twilight marathons, crying over failed tests, crying over boys – and then crying over Amy.

There’s just no way she can stay in this room with Amy.

“Karms?”

Karma just _stops_ \- she stops moving, she stops thinking. She basically stops breathing because Amy hasn’t used that fucking nickname since the night Karma took it away from her. So, she turns around and sees Amy in a ball on what was always _her_ side of the bed. She has to fight hard to swallow the lump in her throat that’s forming.

Amy looks so lost and sad lying there. She looks like the Amy Karma’s had in her head all these years – not the cold, distant Amy she’s been dealing with. How could she answer with anything other than, “Yeah, Ames?”

Yeah, Karma hates everything about how fucking _weak_ she’s being right now. She should hate Amy. She should send her home to Bruce regardless of their current problems. She should’ve never even gone out with her tonight.

There are a lot of things she should’ve done.

But out of the two of them Karma has never been known for her logic – that’s always been Amy.

“Karma, what do I do when she dies?” and Amy’s voice is like nothing Karma’s ever heard before. She sounds _broken_.

“I… don’t know.” Karma says honestly. And she doesn’t. She’s never had to lose anyone in her immediate family let alone a parent.

“I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be in a world where my mom doesn’t exist.”

It wasn’t planned but Karma finds herself sitting on the bed – on _her_ side – so she can have this conversation with her (ex) best friend.

“No one knows how to lose someone, Amy.”

Amy looks over all drunk and glassy eyed. Karma can tell she took that comment to heart even though it wasn’t aimed to hurt. Karma knows it hurt anyway.

“I know now’s not the time because I’m drunk and-“

“You’re right. It’s not. Please don’t do this right now,” Karma pleads with the girl next to her. She’s begging Amy to let this be because her heart really can’t handle anymore tonight.

“I can’t not do this right now,” Amy sits up and mirrors Karma’s position with her back against the wall. She wraps her arms around her bent knees and stares straight ahead toward the door. Karma can almost _see_ the memories reflected in her eyes.

“Amy-“

“Karma, I am… god I am so sorry,” Amy drops her head down, “I am so fucking sorry.”

“Amy… please.” Karma just _can’t_ \- not when the words she’s been waiting five years to hear feel like they’re stabbing at her insides.

“If I could…” she sounds so full of regret. Karma just wants her to shut up and let this go. “I should’ve never – I can’t believe I left you.”

“You’re drunk, okay? You don’t know what you’re saying you can just sleep it off.”

“I’m drunk, Karma, not stupid.” Amy looks over to finally meet her eyes. “God, there is _nothing_ in my entire life I regret more than the night I walked away from you. What the fuck was I doing? How could I hurt you like that?”

Everything’s blurry. Karma can barely keep it together. All of these things Amy’s saying are about five years too late. Amy is too _late_.

“Don’t act like it was some hard decision. _You_ broke us. You broke five years – you broke twenty years without a second thought.”

“Without a second thought?” Amy turns and adjusts to get a better look at Karma, “is that really what you think?”

She doesn’t answer; she just nods and stares at her old comforter. The one they used to spend hours tangled in.

“That decision… that was so hard. I didn’t want that – I didn’t see any other way. We were falling apart and you deserved so much more from me than what I could give you. I agonized over that decision for months. I hated myself for causing you pain. Karma, I still fucking hate myself.”

“Then why? I would’ve worked with you,” Karma swats at her tears. She can never not fucking cry when it comes to Amy. “You made that decision for me. You never asked me what I was willing to do. You were cold and all fucking logical like I was someone you could just toss to the side. Like I was never important to you.”

“You were the only thing that mattered,” Amy says softly.

“Bullshit. Your career mattered. School mattered.”

“I had no choice. That _had_ to be my priority. I would’ve never made it through if I focused on you. I love what I do – I still love it. But it _never_ meant I didn’t love you. It never meant that it didn’t fucking kill me to make that decision. And I never thought that was it for us… I didn’t expect you to cut me out of your life.”

“I had to, Amy.”

“I know,” Amy’s wiping at her own eyes. What a fucking mess this became. “But I lost my best friend that night too. I thought I was saving our friendship – I had no fucking idea when I ended our relationship that we weren’t ever gonna talk again.”

“Did you think we could just go back to before? After five years together?”

Amy shrugs. “I was stupid… and naïve. I couldn’t see why you were staying with me when I could just be your best friend and whoever you were with could give you the time and attention you deserved.”

“I didn’t want anyone else, Amy, and you’re stupid for thinking that would ever be an option. And where the fuck were you if you thought we could still be friends? You never came back. You literally disappeared off the face of the earth,” Karma wants more answers. Amy is talking so openly and she’s changing all of the misconceptions Karma had about what happened five years ago.

“Reagan told me how you were,” Amy says. “She almost kicked my ass a few times for what I did. It was better if I just stayed away. I didn’t wanna make things any worse for you.”

“Such a nice time to start worrying about my happiness.”

“Karma-“

“I loved you, Amy. I was so in love with you,” Karma says quietly. Like it was some kind of secret.

“You were right,” Karma looks up when she hears Amy, “you told me if I let you go that I had to be sure it wasn’t something I was gonna wake up and regret in five years. Well, you were right - I regret it everyday.”

Jesus. How did they even get to this? How is Amy still managing to break her heart five years later?

“I’m not – this doesn’t change anything for me. It took me years to get over you, okay? I’m with Liam now, I’m happy,” Karma’s lying through her fucking teeth – but that’s not something Amy needs to know. “It’s nice to know how you felt back then but it… it doesn’t change that it happened.”

And then there’s silence. For a while. The kind of silence that makes Karma squirm; the kind of silence that never used to exist with Amy.

* * *

 

Karma basically jumps out of her skin when Amy flies up off the bed.

The fuck?

But the bathroom door closes and Amy most likely wakes up the fucking neighbors as she heaves her guts up in the Ashcroft family bathroom. Her mom wanders into the hallway like she still wants to give Karma the fourth degree.

Karma glares through the crack in her doorway and her mom goes back to her room. Being an adult definitely has its perks.

She doesn’t know how the fuck to feel about any of what just happened. She doesn’t know how to feel when Amy comes back with bloodshot eyes and red ears. Karma knows she was in the bathroom crying. Yeah, she threw up. But she knows Amy went away to collect herself in privacy too.

So, Karma stands to leave as Amy curls into a fetal position on the edge of the bed. She burrows under that fucking comforter. Karma wonders if Amy remembers all the nights they laid under that thing.

“See you in the morning?”

Amy hesitates and then, “Karma?”

“Yeah, Ames?”

“Can you… could you stay?” and Amy sounds small and sad and Karma’s so weak, “I just… when I have too much time to think-“

“I’ll stay.”

Because how the fuck could she not?


	10. Maybe Time Will Heal Our Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There’s not much dialogue here. It’s shorter and basically a look at Karma and the impact of losing Amy. Remember – this is just Karma’s POV we’re not getting to see Amy’s side of things we’re kind of finding out about that in present day.

_‘My best friend’s gone, my world has been torn. We’ll never share a name, never be one._

_But I will always remember the years we spent in love.’_

**One Week After The Break Up**

It’s all the little things that hurt the most.

It’s seeing a commercial she knows Amy would love and not being able to text her. It’s her mom saying something completely absurd that Amy would be appalled about. It’s walking by the deli they ate lunch at as teenagers. Its Shane having more one night stands than should be legal. It’s seeing a new movie, hearing a new song, the latest episode of their favorite show.

It’s all the little things that are gently smothering Karma.

It’s like a vice grip around her neck being tightened devastatingly slowly. So slowly that she barely realizes it’s happening.

And then it kind of feels like someone cut off a limb. That’s the only way she’s been able to describe the entire experience of losing Amy. It feels like someone sucked the air from her lungs at the deep end of a pool. It feels like being set on fire and having your only source of relief just fucking _walk away_.

Amy.

It’s hard to deal with heartbreak. It’s hard to lose a significant other. It’s hard to lose someone who felt like family. It can probably be argued it’s harder still to lose a best friend.

Karma fucking lost all three – in one fell swoop.

She knows Amy is the person she should be spending the rest of her life with. That point has _never_ been a question. Not from the time they were five years old. Amy has always been part of the future. And for the last five years Amy was the _entire_ future.

If there was ever a definition for hell – she knows it’s finding the person she’s meant to spend forever with and then having that person rip the fucking rug out from under her feet. It’s being with Amy and then finding out Amy is no longer capable of forever – Amy no longer _wants_ forever. And that is the saddest most awful truth about it all.

“Karma, let me in. Please,” she hears Reagan outside her door.

Sure, she could let her in to hover and ask all the usual questions.

‘How are you?’

‘Have you heard from her?’

‘Have you even showered?’

Okay, so that last one is improvised. Whatever. The shower hasn’t been on her list of priorities – not when her priorities now involve crying herself to sleep, staring at her phone, staring at her computer, and then staring at the ceiling.

Everything is blank. Everything feels empty.

The door lock wiggles around. Reagan is slithering through the small opening (Karma doesn’t bother asking how she learned to pick locks). She can’t even find the emotion to be angry because all she’s really felt over the last week is sad and numb. Sure, she probably should be angry but that requires more energy than she can currently commit to. Her entire _life_ is basically fucked and fucking Amy is off living out her dreams.

Like she didn’t just burn Karma’s dreams to the ground.

She’s waiting for Reagan’s mumbled apologies and sympathy but it never really comes. Instead Reagan crawls in bed next to her without a word. But then Karma feels a hand on hers – and the tight squeeze Reagan gives pretty much better than anything she could’ve actually said anyway.

* * *

 

**Two Weeks After The Break Up**

It hits randomly and without warning sometimes.

Sometimes it just fucking stops her in her tracks when she can wrap her brain around the fact that Amy just isn’t _hers_ anymore.

After twenty years Amy is not someone she has any claim over. This is the longest they’ve ever gone without talking. Well, it’s the longest Karma’s ever gone without answering.

Her inbox looks something like this:

**February 23 (4:45 AM)**

**Amy** : Karma… I know you don’t wanna talk to me right now but please let me know you’re okay. Text me… call me… whatever. Please.

**February 24 (5:26 AM)**

**Amy** : I miss you. I know you’re hurt but I promise you this is for the best.

**February 25 (4:57 AM)**

**Amy** : Are you really just gonna freeze me out? :(

**February 26 (6:49 AM)**

**Amy** : Okay Karma. I get it. But I’ll be here whenever you’re ready.

And well, Amy can go fuck herself. Karma thinks it’s really fucking convenient that all of a sudden Amy can send a text a day when she’s faced with the reality of their break up. Where the fuck has she been the last six months while everything was going to shit?

So, Karma doesn’t answer.

**Three Weeks After The Break Up**

Nothing means anything anymore.

That’s all Karma can manage to think. Yeah, she’s going to work. And she’s going out with Reagan here and there – mostly just to convince her she’s still breathing. She even answers Shane’s concerned texts.

And she gets no further texts from Amy.

Amy feels like she’s becoming a memory – she’s becoming a stranger. (Karma feels like all their memories are going to be tainted by the claw marks she’s leaving as she refuses to let go).

All those years they spent together are fading into the hazy background of her life. This wasn’t supposed to be their fate. Karma thought they were different because Amy’s always been the exception to the rule in her life. Amy was the only person she ever trusted to stick around. Amy was the only person who loved her for who she was and if Amy can’t even manage to keep loving her?

Well, what the fuck does that say for her future?

This break up is putting her insecurities on display. It’s unraveling all of the progress she made in all those years with Amy. It’s making her feel like she’s worth nothing - whe Amy made her believe she was worth _everything_.

“Hey, guys,” Karma says as she takes a seat in a booth across from Reagan and Shane.

This lunch is just to get them off her back. They seem intent on not letting her drown and all Karma wants to tell them is that she wants to sink. She wants to fucking wallow in this feeling. She’s pretty sure _someone_ should mourn the end of this relationship – and it’s clearly not gonna be Amy.

“We got you a water.”

She definitely hears Shane but she doesn’t really acknowledge it. And she can certainly see the two of them making faces about her lack of participation in society but she lets that go too.

Because nothing means anything anymore, right?

Maybe she’s being dramatic but this kind of feels like someone died – so is it really so dramatic to mourn and express her grief accordingly?

“Karma, maybe it’s time to let her go.”

“Maybe I didn’t ask for your opinion, Shane. Get me the turkey club,” Karma leaves for the bathroom without waiting for an answer.

The bathroom door flings open not five seconds after she locks herself in a stall. She doesn’t have to ask to know Reagan followed – Reagan is always following.

And if she thought she was safe in the stall – well, Reagan proves her wrong by crawling under the door. They’re both basically crammed into a space meant for one.

“What are you doing?” Reagan asks as she rips the phone out of Karma’s hands and hits the end button on Amy’s face.

Karma can hear Amy in the background “Hello? Karma?”

“I just… I wanted to hear her voice,” Karma explains because that is why she called. It’s hard to not know what’s going on in Amy’s life. It’s hard to miss out on her classes, tests, clinicals, and friends. Her entire life has basically been centered around _knowing_ Amy and now she’s left with nothing to focus on but her own sad existence.

Reagan doesn’t look at her like she’s pathetic when she has a breakdown in a restaurant bathroom. Reagan just hugs her (and Karma knows it’s serious when Reagan is hugging her).

“Delete her messages, okay? You have to. This has to be a clean cut. If you leave it with jagged edges, Karma, it’s never going to heal.”

* * *

 

**Four Weeks After The Break Up**

Her hands are shaking as she swipes at Amy’s text message thread and hesitates over the delete button.

“It’s gonna hurt worse before it gets better,” Reagan says from somewhere in her room.

Shane finishes with, “But we’re gonna be here the whole way through, Karma.”

When she finally does hit that delete button she swears her heart stops beating for a second. She swears everything in the world goes still. She hasn’t deleted that text thread for years now.

And in the end, it takes two seconds to wipe away something that took years to create.

Karma remembers loving Amy. She remembers being five-years-old and already knowing it was going to be them against the world. So, really, falling for Amy was never a choice. It pretty much seemed predestined and unavoidable.

Like her heart already knew the plan long before her brain caught up.

Her hands are shaking when she sets the phone down and she knows she has to let Amy go. And she wonders how long Amy’s wanted to let her go – how long has Amy been thinking about leaving her?

How long ago did Amy give up on fighting for her?

“It’s going to get better.”

And Karma so badly tries to believe Reagan. But she’s falling to pieces. Pretty much all she can think of is a quote she read in a book in Amy’s room one time:

‘You don’t need water to feel like you’re drowning, do you?’

At the time she couldn’t quite comprehend it. But now she wants to paint it on the wall over her bed and point to it when they ask how she is.

Karma has always relied on Amy to love her – in one way or another – and losing Amy’s love makes her question everything. It’s going to have to serve as a reminder that she can’t rely on someone else to love her enough so she stops hating herself.

“Let’s go out. Drink away the sorrow?” Shane says.

So, she’s going out tonight even though she’d prefer to sit on her bed in the dark. Reagan won’t allow that. Karma goes to her closet to find something besides sweatpants to leave the house in. And that’s when she comes across a zip up that belonged to Amy. And she can so vividly remember the night Amy came over wearing it. She remembers Amy being underneath her in that jacket; and the image of Amy leaning up on her elbows as she peeled the jacket off her shoulders is so intense that Karma has to close her eyes.

She desperately rips the jacket off the hanger, balls it up, and stuffs it far back into her closet under old comforters and pillows they used as kids when they’d camp out in the backyard.

It’s all the little things that hurt the most.


	11. They Don't Know You Like I Do

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it’s angsty but I promise it’s necessary. Keep the faith.

_‘I’ll meet you halfway if you’re coming the long way._ _Don’t care what the people say of the prodigal runaway._

_Cause hey, hey they don’t know you like I do. I wait for the whole world to show you. Maybe we’re not, not that gone.’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

It’s fucking awkward.

Waking up next to Amy for the first time in over five years is basically just – awkward (especially after last night).

“Feel okay?”

Amy makes a disgruntled face and says, “I feel like I got hit by a truck.”

“Well, you probably didn’t really need those last… four drinks?”

“Yeah, probably not but you know me and alcohol,” Amy smiles at Karma as though they didn’t just hash out all their shit less than four hours ago. “You mind if I shower?”

Karma shakes her head and remembers a time when Amy never had to ask questions like that. Amy used to practically live at her house – it’s the first time Amy has _ever_ acted like a guest.

The phone ringing disturbs Karma’s thoughts. She immediately feels guilty when she sees Liam’s face on her screen. He’s probably freaking out.

“Hey, babe, I’m so sorry I got stuck at my mom’s last night she uh… her and my dad were… fighting?”

“Karma. Thank god,” Liam lets out a heavy breath, “I was up worried all night. You could’ve at least texted me. The last thing you said was that you were out with Reagan and then nothing.”

“I know. And I’m sorry. My mom was just really upset last night so I couldn’t leave. I’m safe though. I’ll probably be home later on.”

“Is everything okay? Really? I just feel like something’s going on with you and you won’t talk to me. I can help if you just talk to me.”

“Everything’s fine. Promise.”

“Alright,” Liam still sounds hesitant but accepts her at her word, “please text me if something changes. Love you.”

“I will. I’m sorry again. Love you too.”

Amy’s standing in the doorway when Karma ends the call. Her eyes look dark and troubled. “Liam?”

“Yeah, just worried I didn’t make it home last night,” Karma says as she stretches out in her old bed. It was another night of very little sleep (she has no idea how the fuck she’s still functioning). She spent most of the night awake and on the edge of the bed away from Amy – it wouldn’t do either of them any good to wake up in compromising position.

“Guess he’s a little more considerate than when we were younger?”

“Yeah.”

Karma really isn’t looking to get into a discussion about Liam with Amy – Amy doesn’t get to know anything about her relationship with him or about what her life looks like now.

“This is a weird question but do you still… have anything of mine here? Like a sweatshirt or something?” and Amy sounds so uncomfortable to be asking that Karma just stands and starts rummaging through her closet for what she might’ve kept.

The first thing she comes across is that dumb fucking zip up. It’s the only thing she still has of Amy’s that isn’t in a box in the attic. Shane totally forced her to make a ‘break up box’ when she wouldn’t stop sleeping in Amy’s old clothes. Yeah, she was _that_ girl. But that zip up never made the box because it was shoved between comforters and pillows after her mini meltdown.

Karma holds out a hand to give it to Amy and they both stare at it for a second. Amy’s eyes tell Karma all she really needs to know – Amy knows _exactly_ when that jacket is from.

Yeah, it’s pretty odd that a zip up feels so meaningful to them both but Karma remembers she’d gone on for days about how sexy Amy had looked when she stripped it off. And Amy had worn it for weekends on end after it happened. And every single time Karma lost her breath watching it fall off her shoulders. It was early in their relationship when Amy was still learning all of Karma’s little turn ons and she had been taking full advantage of all the new found knowledge.

“I didn’t realize you still had this,” Amy says and Karma curses the day she made that stupid fucking box and forgot to put the fucking zip up away.

“Everything else is in the attic.”

Amy’s face falls.

Karma wants to just go back to yesterday when things felt easier - when there was less tension in the air. She hates feeling so goddamn on edge all the time with Amy here. It’s just making her more tired than she already is. It’s been like three nights with no sleep - she just wants to disappear for a few days to process everything that’s happened.

But then there’s just Amy constantly in her space, her thoughts, her heart (and fuck that’s not good but a little piece of her heart is always going to belong to Amy – first loves and all).

Amy is quiet for a few minutes as she puts the zip up on – and _Jesus_ seeing Amy in that is like a blast from the past. Karma is so fucking sick with nostalgia. Standing right in front of her - _that_ is the girl she fell in love with. That is the girl she spent years loving and years getting over. She looks a little bit older and a little more tired from all the years and schooling but that’s _Amy_.

It’s scaring the fuck out of Karma now because she can feel how easily she’d fall backwards. She can feel her heart racing. And she knows it sounds dumb because it’s just a zip up but it was such a silly thing they used to tease each other with when everything was so new and _every_ touch meant something.

Looking at Amy standing in her room in that is like being in some weird fucking time warp - where nothing went wrong and they made it work despite the distance because they meant enough to each other to try.

“Amy… can you, um… when you go home can you please,” Karma swallows hard to get the words out, “can you just put something else on?”

“Oh,” Amy says as she understands that this is hurting Karma, “yeah, sorry. Yeah, I’ll change. Because this is – this is weird, right? I – do you want this back?”

Yeah, she does. She wants that zip up back because no matter how much they’ve been through those early days still deserve to be cherished.

“No.” Amy looks away like she expected a different answer.

But Karma’s sick of being weak over dumb shit. She’s sick of the fact that it’s been like two fucking days with Amy back in her life and she’s getting all choked up over articles of _clothing_. Like, who the fuck does that? It’s been five fucking years - this should be a closed door. In fact, Karma thinks, this door shouldn't even exist anymore and Amy should’ve just stayed in the past where she belonged.

“Karma?” she raises her eyebrows as if to say ‘continue’, “Can I apologize for last night?”

“Sure,” and Karma’s well aware she does not sound welcoming but Amy keeps talking. Amy really should realize Karma’s not in the mood for it this morning.

“I know you didn’t wanna have that conversation and I kind of forced it on you and I should’ve just kept my mouth shut.”

“Yeah, Amy, you should’ve. You were drunk and you backed me into a corner and gave me no choice but to be part of something I wasn’t ready for. I wasn’t ready for that – I don’t know that I’ll ever be _ready_ for that, okay? You weren’t fair to me,” Karma snaps.

The emotion of the whole fucking morning (and last night) is boiling over.

Amy looks like a chastised little kid and she really does want to feel bad but damn it - Amy was _wrong_. And she should know it.

“I didn’t know how else to tell you all that-“

“No, because doing it five years ago when it would’ve actually fucking _mattered_ would’ve been too easy, right? Doing it five years ago when it would’ve been the right thing to do would’ve been too easy. So, instead you wait five years, you come back, not even for me but for your mom, which I get, but you come back here when I finally have a life and you drunkenly say all this shit like it’s supposed to make a difference. It doesn’t fucking matter anymore, Amy, don’t you get that?”

“It matters.”

“No,” Karma hisses, “it doesn’t. I don’t need your apologies _now_. I needed them then when I could barely get out of bed for a month. I needed them when you broke me not now that everything’s fine. What the fuck do they matter now?!”

“Karma-“

“No, shut up. I don’t want to hear anymore about it. I don’t want to know that you regretted leaving me – because guess what? You still fucking did,” she’s fuming with all of the anger from the night before, all of the anger from five years ago. “You are too fucking late, Amy.”

“I know,” Amy manages to choke out, “I know I waited too long.”

“I hate you.”

It comes out of Karma’s mouth and shocks her as much as it visibly shocks Amy. It wasn’t something she meant to say. It’s not something she hasn’t thought though. She hears Amy’s muffled sobs somewhere in the background but she can’t sit in this room anymore – it’s bringing out the worst in them both.

So, Karma leaves.

* * *

 

She makes it as far as the backyard. The swing set they used to play on is rusted and old but it still has swings. They’ll have to do.

Is there any part of her house that isn’t Amy? Why did she have to choose to fall for the one person that made up her entire life? It’s really fucking awful to not be able to escape. It’s part of what made moving in with Liam last year such an easy thing to say yes to – it was the easiest way to get the fuck out of her own head. And to be honest, she’s totally been avoiding this house for the last year for that reason too.

Amy sits down in the swing next to Karma. Karma wants to cry and beg her to go away. (She also kind of wants to cry and beg her to never leave again). It’s pretty much like being at war with herself all the time.

“I don’t know what to say,” Amy whispers.

“You didn’t even come back for me, Amy. Why? Why didn’t you come back for me?” Karma leans over her legs, elbows on her knees, with her head in her hands. Looking at Amy isn’t going to make it any easier.

“I just thought it’d be better for you if I stayed away. I regret leaving you, Karma, but I still don’t know what else I could’ve done.”

“You could’ve fucking fought for us. We deserved that.”

“Yeah, I could’ve…” and Amy sounds so fucking regretful it hurts, “but it was only gonna get harder for us. I ended up getting the residency at Northwestern University in Chicago. That’s not – we couldn’t have made monthly trips work. And it’s not like either of us had the money to fly. I wouldn’t have even had the time to come home or really see you. Why would you even stay with someone you could be barely with? You’re worth a million times more than some half assed relationship like that.”

“Because I didn’t want anyone else. How many times do I have to say it?” Karma cries through the whole thing. It turns out _not_ looking at Amy made this conversation equally as hard.

“I wanted you to be happy,” Amy says as she reaches out for Karma’s knee. Karma flinches away.

“I was!” she finally looks up, “don’t you get that at all? I didn’t care if we didn’t see each other that much. I still wanted you. I still wanted us. You didn’t-“

“Karma, I did,” Amy says softly, “I haven’t been with anyone since you. There is no time in my life that it hasn’t been _you_. If you could’ve seen me after that night – people asked me if someone _died_.”

Karma sighs. “it kind of felt that way didn’t it?”

“It felt worse because you were still out there – I just wasn’t with you.”

Good. Amy deserved to hurt for it. It’s pretty awful but it still feels like a little bit of a victory to know that Amy hurt too. It still feels a little better to at least have the confirmation that Amy wasn’t out celebrating her newfound freedom (yeah, the irrational part of Karma’s brain had gone there).

“No one hated me as much as I hated myself for doing that to you. I know it’s been five years and it doesn’t matter,” Karma goes to interrupt but Amy shushes her, “I should’ve said all this back then because we deserved a better ending than that. And I know you hate me now but I promise that I’ll hate myself more… probably for the rest of my life.”

“I don’t hate you, Amy.”

And that’s the truth. Karma couldn’t hate her if she tried. Yeah, she’s bitter and sure, she’s still carrying some resent – but hate? She still looks at Amy and sees the girl who meant _everything_ once upon a time. So, no, she doesn’t hate Amy. Not even a little bit really.

“Can you ever forgive me?”

Now _that_ is a whole separate entity. Forgiveness is a whole separate question. And Karma’s never really thought about forgiving Amy – she never got that far.

“I… don’t really know?” Karma says as she nudges Amy’s foot with her own.

“That’s probably fair,” Amy nudges her foot back. “You don’t have to do this… with my mom, I mean. I know it’s not easy to be with me.”

“It’s really not,” Karma answers honestly, “but I’m not leaving you.”

“You probably should. I deserve it.”

“You probably do,” Amy smiles just a little and Karma kicks some mulch on Amy’s sneakers just to be a bitch. “Would you think I’m awful if I asked you to just… give me some space?”

The look on Amy’s face almost has Karma taking it back. But she has to take care of herself first – she _has_ to stop worrying about Amy’s feelings for once. And the last few days have done some serious damage.

“No, I can go. I get it. Will you… can I text you later? Too much?”

“Too much,” Karma decides, “I’ll text you, okay?”

Amy nods and goes to walk away. Karma wonders what has her turning around. She gets her answer when Amy unzips the jacket and places it in her lap.

 _Fuck_.

This is the fucking problem with having big epic fights and break ups with someone who knows when ‘no’ actually means ‘yes.’

“Keep it,” Amy says and kneels down in front of the swing. “Karma, my moms sick and everything’s a fucking mess… but I came back for _you_. I could’ve taken a year off from the residency and just repeated after everything was over but I got the transfer instead. _Of course_ I came back for you. And I know I’m too late but maybe you can forgive me enough to be my friend again one day.”

And with that Amy is on her way out of the yard.

* * *

 

What?

Karma can’t process any of what just happened. Amy keeps fucking dropping bombs and walking away. And she knows Amy didn’t mean to hurt her by telling her that but it fucking _hurt_ anyway. (And a little part of her – a part she hates – is ecstatic about it).

Karma finds Molly at the table staring out the window at the swing set they were just sitting on. She knows her mom’s worried. Liam’s worried. Reagan’s worried.

And honestly, Karma’s worried.

“Everything okay?” her mom asks.

“No, not really,” and she’s getting another one of those hugs that make the world a little easier to handle. They may not get along much but Molly has always been a rock – especially when it comes to all things Amy.

“Are you sure about all this with Amy?”

“She said she came back for me…”

“I just don’t want to see you get hurt again, Karma. But you know how I feel about Amy,” Karma’s ready for a motherly speech about how much her mom hates her ex. “I’ve loved that girl since you two were little. I can’t see her ever wanting to hurt you. She’s had stars in her eyes over you for far too long to have ever meant to hurt you. I think she was trying her hardest to do what was best for you both.”

None of that was what she expected from her mom. Leave it to Molly Ashcroft to be on Amy’s side.

“Whose side are you even on?”

“Whatever side makes you happy,” her mom answers cryptically as she heads to the stove to make tea. Tea – the magical elixir of the Ashcroft household.

Like it’s gong to fix what just happened.

“Herbal or lavender, Karma?”

“Ugh, lavender I guess,” Karma mumbles while she’s searching for her phone that’s vibrating.

Amy?

“Hey-“

“Karma,” Amy’s fucking hysterical. Karma’s heart drops. “my mom-“

“I’ll be right there. Don’t move, okay? I’m gonna come get you.”


	12. But I'll Never Give Up You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may very well be the last flashback. There’s no Amy but there is some Liam at the end just as a forewarning. I’m hoping to have the next one out later on today or early tomorrow since this is on the shorter end.

_‘He said “I am the devil boy, come with me and we’ll make many storms”_

_He offered me the universe but inside my heart’s the picture of a girl_

_Some call love a curse, some call love a thief, but she’s my home’_

**Three and a Half Years After The Break Up**

“Karma, you can’t be alone forever.”

Karma is pretty sure Shane should shut his fucking mouth because he really doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

Reagan must be able to sense her mounting anger because she jumps in before Karma can say anything. “Shane, let it go.”

“I’m just saying… why don’t we go out tonight? Find you some action. It’s been four years. Maybe it’s time.”

“Maybe it’s time for you to stop talking?” Karma basically cannot handle the Amy references. It’s at the top of the list of things she just cannot and will not talk about but it never seems to stop Shane from bringing it up anyway.

But yeah, she might still feel a little bit bad when she sees him meaninglessly stirring the soup he got for lunch. He always does this when she turns him down.

“Ugh, fine. We can go out if you want,” he looks hopeful at Karma’s words, “but please stop trying to set me up with random girls you find in the crowd. Please. I’m just not… there yet.”

Reagan shoots a sympathetic look her way (one she’s so very tired of receiving from her friends at this point) and Shane is already on his iPhone looking for the latest club or party they could possibly venture to. What could go wrong?

* * *

 

The music is so obnoxiously loud Karma can’t even hear herself think, much less speak to anyone around her. It’s odd how in a room this crowded she can manage to feel so isolated – it’s weird, yeah, but it’s not a new feeling. It’s a feeling she’s fairly accustomed to in the years since Amy left.

Shane and Duke are like sucking each other’s faces a few feet away while Reagan and Gia (the new girlfriend) are standing at the bar waiting for service. Lauren and Theo stayed home for the night for their anniversary. Karma suddenly realizes how fucking _alone_ she is and exactly how _lonely_ that feels.

The last four years have been a struggle and a half but her friends have made it mostly bearable. And at least when they were all paired up Reagan had always been her single friend so she wasn’t ever completely fifth wheeling it at the restaurants and bars they frequent.

But now, Reagan’s taken and it’s not easy being the odd man out.

Well, Karma supposes she’s not the odd man out when Liam’s always around – she thinks it’s a shame he didn’t come to the club with them tonight because she’s feeling ‘Amy’ levels of awkward standing by herself.

“Hey… can I buy you a drink?”

Karma turns to find a young girl, probably no older than twenty-three, attempting to flirt. She’s essentially a veteran at turning girls like this down when they go out – so, she has no idea what’s so different tonight that she nods and smiles, giving the girl the go ahead.

_It’s been four years._

Maybe it’s time to at least try to get back out there before she’s a shriveled up old woman who’s incapable of being in a relationship because she’s so set in her ways. Karma internally cringes at the thought.

The mysterious girl hands her a fruity looking cocktail (like Karma can’t shoot whiskey with the best of them).

“Thanks… what’s your name?”

“Amelia… what’s yours?”

Amelia? Really? Jesus fucking _Christ_. Karma is fairly certain the universe is just never going to cut her a break. It’s taken four years to even consider doing something like this and this girl is like sporting the extended edition of Amy’s goddamn name.

Fuck it.

“Karma.”

“Well, Karma, would you like to dance?”

No, Karma decides she wouldn’t like to dance but she finds herself on the floor anyway. Shane is giving them two thumbs up from the bar and Reagan’s worried eyes are following her through the crowd. Whatever. She deserves some fun – it’s been four years of grief and mourning. Maybe _Amelia_ would be some entertainment for the night and Karma has really been depriving herself of entertainment for far too long.

“You’re a good dancer,” Karma comments in her ear. Her own attempt at flirting is just downright pathetic but it’s been years since she’s had to try. The chemistry she had with Amy was always just so effortless.

“And you’re gorgeous, Karma.”

_“Karma, you’re gorgeous. And everything I ever wanted? You were there when we were fifteen right? How can you even say that?”_

Literally _all_ she can hear is Amy. Karma closes her eyes to try to clear her mind so she can focus on the brunette in front of her.

But Amelia is shorter than Karma and that’s just strange – she’s never been with anyone shorter. And she smells like she just walked out of a Victoria’s Secret catalog – Amy never really wore much perfume but she always smelled perfect anyway. And she’s wearing like a pound of makeup, which is just – different?

But she thinks maybe different can be good because that thing with Amy didn’t turn out so great.

Amelia licks her lips as she pushes in close. Karma’s heart beats a mile a minute because this is so not Amy and this is so not what she wants. But Amy asked her to move on and she’s never been with another girl.

So, when Amelia leans in Karma lets her.

And yeah, she kisses back but like nothing feels _right_. She doesn’t feel the sensation all through her body like she used to. Karma doesn’t feel like she _needs_ this kiss.

The second she feels hands wrapping around her waist is the second she knows it needs to end because those arms are all wrong and this moment is making her nauseous instead of anything remotely close to turned on.

“Everything okay?”

“No, I um – I can’t. You’re really pretty and thank you for the drink I just… it wouldn’t be fair to you. I’m still getting over someone,” Karma tries to explain it without mentioning that this _someone_ is anything but recent.

The sting of rejection is totally noticeable on Amelia’s face. “That’s – I appreciate the honesty.”

And then she’s gone and Karma is suddenly in a taxi on the way home without any of her friends because she couldn’t take having to defend her own humiliating actions.

**August 8 (12:07 AM)**

**Reagan** : Saw you take off, you good?

 **Karma** : I kissed this girl. Her name was Amelia and she was sweet and I ran away. I’m going to be single forever. Do you want to go cat shopping tomorrow or next week?

 **Reagan** : Ha. You will not be single forever bcuz I can’t handle you complaining about it forever :P If you’re not ready don’t rush it. Shane’s an ass you know we don’t listen to him.

 **Karma** : It’s been four years. Shouldn’t I be ready?

 **Reagan** : There’s no time clock on how you handle a break up. And Amy wasn’t just some girl. When you’re ready you’re ready.

 **Karma** : You’re prob right.

 **Reagan** : I’m always right. One day you will accept this.

**August 8 (12:23 AM)**

**Reagan** : Get home safe… text me tmrw?

 **Karma** : You too and I will. Have fun with Gia!

 **Reagan** : Oh trust me I will ;)

 **Karma** : Ugh. Not necessary information :(

* * *

 

**One Month Later**

Liam has been a pretty constant presence since Amy disappeared. It’s not that they hang out often or anything but now that Reagan is one half of a couple that leaves Karma and Liam to make up the last of the singles.

And well, it’s hard watching all of her friends couple up in a very serious way while she lives out her late twenties in some kind of perpetual solitude. Karma remembers thinking at twenty years old that she was never again going to have to worry about who she’d marry or build a house with. While all of her friends were out trying to find a mate she’d already met her match and settled down. She and Amy were supposed to be the example.

Okay, they’re certainly an example – it’s just not a positive one. They somehow became the poster child of ‘love gone wrong.’

“You want a beer?” Liam asks before he stands to go over to the cooler across the yard.

“Yeah, sure. Might as well, right?”

He hands her an opened beer bottle and settles into the lounger to her left. The rest of their friends are out to dinner but it seems she and Liam excused themselves from the couple escapades for the night.

“I kissed a girl last month,” Karma covers her mouth with her hand like she didn’t quite mean to reveal that.

Liam just smirks and takes a sip of his beer. “I mean, that’s not really that surprising you did date a girl for five years. But thanks for telling me - I always appreciate the mental image.”

Karma whacks his arm in some sort of weak retaliation. He just laughs and looks over at her fondly.

“I couldn’t… I pretty much rejected her two seconds later. I don’t really know how to be with someone that’s not Amy,” it feels good to finally admit that to someone, “I’m starting to feel like if I ever date again the person’s just gonna be like second place to what I really want. And that’s so wrong to do to someone that’d be completely unaware of what they were getting into.”

“Still not over it?”

“I just don’t think I’ll ever really be over it. It felt so weird to be with another girl like that. I _like_ girls,” Karma glances over to find him listening intently and hanging on her every word. That’s odd. “I think so many girls are pretty but I’m worried Amy kind of ruined me for other girls. All I can do is compare them and then they’re just not _her_. Is that stupid?”

There is no logical reason for her to be baring her soul to Liam Booker; her ex boyfriend and Amy’s least favorite human on the planet. But then maybe that makes him the best candidate to talk to and the least biased to give her advice.

“It’s not stupid, Karma. You loved Amy,” she glares, “… _love_ Amy. I saw you with her. I don’t think that kind of love really goes away. Maybe you just learn to love someone else in a different way and Amy just always has that part of you.”

It’s definitely a surprisingly insightful thought from the boy who once wanted to date her because she kissed another girl. Liam has like totally grown up – it kind of hits her like a brick wall.

“Is that fair to do to someone though? I wouldn’t feel right not explaining how big of a part of my life she was. But is it like fair to tell someone that no one is ever really gonna compare and if she was here I’d pick her everytime.”

“Depends I guess. Is the person okay with it?”

“Who would be okay knowing I still love my ex-girlfriend?!” Karma looks at him and suddenly the whole night clicks into place.

 _Oh_. Well fuck.

“Liam-“

“I know what I’m getting into. I kind of always did. Just think about it, okay?” and he looks so earnest that she ponders it for a second.

“I’m – I gotta go,” Karma tries not to like sprint out of his yard but this night got all sorts of fucked up. “Thanks for hanging out with me tonight.”

She lays a hand on his shoulder in a silent goodbye before heading for her car.

It takes three hours of pondering (read:crying) on her bed before Karma picks her phone back up. Amy asked her to move on. Amy wanted better for her. Amy totally wouldn’t pick Liam but Amy definitely isn’t here right now. And Karma vows this is the last time she sheds anymore tears over Amy.

“Hey, Karma, you okay?”

“Take me out tomorrow?” she waits out the silence over the line wondering if he might just turn her down.

“Yeah, sure I’ll pick you up around seven? We’ll uh… go see a movie? That’s pretty neutral, right? Whatever you’re ready for.”

It’s probably not ever going to feel like love with him. It’s never going to feel like Amy. And the movie date really ends up feeling two parts weird and one part familiar because it’s Liam. He lets Karma take the lead and she doesn’t dare kiss him for two months. He never pushes. And when she finally does its all scruff and a roughness to his body that she hasn’t felt since she was a teenager. It’s not ideal but it’s definitely a lot more tolerable than that random girl she tried it with in the club. It’s mostly _just_ different enough from Amy that she still feels like she can breathe. His hands are bigger and he’s a lot sturdier than she’s used to but even when he lays his weight on her she doesn’t feel like she’s being smothered by her own memories.

Three months later the apartment they sign for is way too small and still smells like the old people that lived there before but even for it’s lack of space it somehow feels like freedom for the first time in years.


	13. All You Did Was Ask

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Agh, this chapter is heavy. Tread carefully.

_‘After all the years you invested in me - all the love, tears, and possibilities._

_I realize that if the tables were turned around you wouldn’t leave me now’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

Karma offered to get go get Amy because like there was no way in hell it was going to be safe for her to drive. But Karma is so frazzled from that phone call that she’s not entirely sure it’s safe that she’s driving either. And she’s so freaking worried for Amy (and Farrah) that it’s making her adrenaline levels skyrocket. The car isn’t moving fast enough. She can’t get through the Cooper front door fast enough.

Amy is on the bottom of the steps looking absolutely fucking _devastated_ and like she’s unable to calm herself despite all her best efforts. It feels a lot like approaching an animal in the wild (or Karma thinks this is what it’d feel like because she doesn’t know for sure).

It feels worse than the other day at the hospital. Amy looks worse. And they’ve been apart for so long that Karma feels a little like an intruder in Amy’s life now.

So, Karma kneels down slowly in front of the steps and it’s very much a call to a few hours ago when Amy took her place in front of the swing. It feels like a few hours have somehow changed everything. It doesn’t make sense.

And Amy looks as broken as Karma felt when her gam gam died - and then Karma is able to connect the dots.

Farrah isn’t here anymore.

Amy’s mom is no longer in the world – and _that’s_ … not something Karma really knows how to comprehend. She goes from feeling like an adult to wanting her own mom to come and deal with this. She still feels too young to have to deal with the loss of a parent. Aren’t they supposed to be older than this?

She still feels like a kid – if she was the one that lost a parent right now she’s not sure she’d be capable of surviving.

But Amy needs to survive. Karma needs Amy to survive. (For multiple selfish reasons, really).

“Hey.”

Amy definitely looks down at Karma in acknowledgment but her eyes look far away somehow. For as much as Amy in that zip up in her room a few hours ago felt like the Amy she remembered – this person on the stairs doesn’t look like Amy at all. This looks nothing like the person she sat on the swings with. This doesn’t even look like the person she fought with on her parents’ lawn four days ago.

Karma realizes she doesn’t know _this_ Amy.

“Karma…” and then it all goes to hell. “I – she – they promised. Karma, they _promised_ she had time. They fucking told me. She’s my _mom_ ,” Amy says with a ragged breath, “I’m – she’s not here. She’s all I have. She’s the only parent I have and she’s… not here? That… I can’t make sense of that. I cannot understand that. My mom is gone. _Gone_.”

“You’re not alone,” Karma says as she tries to reach out for Amy’s hand. Amy backs up a few steps like a scared little kid. Karma feels the faintest bit of hurt.

“This is – Karma, I feel like I can’t breathe. I didn’t even say goodbye. I mean I _knew_ it was coming but I didn’t really think it’d happen. She… she was a good mom. Especially – you woulda loved her these last couple years. After she got sick she… something was so different. We talked almost every day. And now what? Who do I talk to? Who do I call when I had a bad day? She’s not even gonna see me finish school,” Amy’s face crumbles quickly when that moment of realization sets in. “She just wanted to see me graduate.”

“Amy...” Karma crawls up the steps slowly and takes a seat next to her. Amy backs herself up against the wall - as far away as she can get. Karma totally tries not to take it personally. “Ames, deep breath,” but Amy struggles to even do that. “You’re gonna call me when you have a bad day and I’ll be at your graduation. And she’ll be there too – even if she’s not physically standing there. She was _so_ proud of you. You know that?”

“What if I get married? Who’s gonna walk me down the aisle? I don’t have a father I don’t have _anyone_. Bruce _hates_ me, Karma. He’s mad I didn’t come home sooner but like… I couldn’t. What the fuck was I supposed to do? Like it didn’t hurt me everyday to not be here for the chemo treatments? Does he think I fucking wanted that? I would’ve given up anything to be here with her – to have more time,” Amy’s eyes double in size, “I’m… Jesus… I’m out of time. I’m fucking out of time. There – Karma… there’s no more time with my mom.”

Karma doesn’t need to be in med school to realize that Amy’s breathing is completely out of whack and irregular. Amy’s having a complete meltdown and Karma feels so _helpless_. She’s never seen Amy like this. And it’s absolutely breaking her heart.

It’s really hard to be in a position where she just can’t help Amy – Karma has always been able to help Amy. Her job has always been helping Amy through the hard parts.

Amy stands and starts pacing the foyer – her breathing is so erratic that Karma can hear her clearly from her spot on the steps.

“I don’t _want_ to do this – I can’t,” Amy huffs out, roughly.

“I’m gonna do this with you, okay? Amy, breathe, please. You’re scaring me.”

“I have no parents,” and the dam breaks. Heavy tears fall from Amy’s troubled eyes.

And then it’s a panic that erupts from Amy and freezes her in her spot on the carpet near the front door. It propels Karma from her place on the steps.

“You have me. I’m not going anywhere.”

But Amy isn’t listening. Amy clearly can’t focus on any of the words coming out of Karma’s mouth. Amy is barely even registering that Karma is in front of her. She’s just taking shaky steps back until she hits the wall and she’s staring at Karma like she’s some _stranger_.

“Amy, look at me,” but Amy’s eyes are wildly flickering around the house. Like she’s never before been in that foyer; and Karma’s fucking concerned. There is no getting through to her. Amy has herself so worked up that Karma doesn’t know what the fuck is going to bring her back down.

Amy’s pain becomes Karma’s pain so easily.

And Amy is so frantic and unreachable. Karma _needs_ to fix this. So, she steps forward and wraps her arms around the back of Amy’s neck. Before either of them can think or react she pushes forward and kisses Amy softly. It’s always been physical touch that got through to Amy before – it stands to reason that this might plant Amy’s feet back on the ground.

Amy doesn’t respond immediately but Karma is patient and undeterred. She pulls away for a second and gently nudges Amy’s nose with her own. Then she leans back in. This time Amy bridges the miniscule distance between them and kisses back. It’s as soft as the first one and it’s melting all of Karma’s resentment towards this girl. She can’t even bear to think about any of the ramifications of what’s transpiring - all she can think is that Amy’s breathing is starting to slow. And all she can taste is the salt of the tears that had hit Amy’s lips.

It feels a lot like coming home. Amy is so soft and everything she remembered but there’s definite sadness in this kiss that’s never been there before. Amy hesitantly rests her hands on Karma’s hips – it’s a big difference from the Amy she knew that was always so sure and bold.

Karma steps forward again, a little more into Amy’s space, and she instinctively pulls Amy just a little bit closer. She can actually _feel_ Amy relaxing under her touch - and if that isn’t the most pleasant feeling in the world. It’s certainly a little dizzying to know she still has this effect. Amy is still as responsive as the day they kissed in her room – still as responsive as the afternoon in the gym.

She kisses Amy tenderly a few more times – just barely grazing her lips. There’s that little contented sigh that completely intoxicates Karma when she hears it. She doesn’t let Amy go far whens they mutually pull away.

Karma rests her forehead against Amy’s and waits patiently.

Amy opens her eyes slowly. She looks kind of awed in a way. Yeah, it still looks like her world just lost its sun but she also looks a lot more connected to the present moment now.

“Hey,” Amy breathes out in this quiet little voice that Karma hasn’t heard in years.

“Okay?”

Amy tightens her hold around Karma’s waist so there’s just no room between them. Somehow Karma managed to help her bear the burden, at least for now.

“Not okay,” Amy whispers as she closes her eyes again, “but better.”

Karma unwraps her arms and uses the pads of her thumbs to wipe at the tears that are still falling. She can feel Amy’s fingers pressing harder into her skin. The tips of her ears are growing redder with each passing second.

It doesn’t really surprise her at all when Amy’s lips are back on hers but with a little more desperation - like she’s drowning in Karma to mask the overwhelming pain.

And for a few seconds Karma lets Amy lose herself. (And Karma loses herself a little bit too).

She eventually takes a small step back and looks at her (ex) best friend. Amy runs a shaky hand through her hair and takes a slow, deep breath.

“Can I – do you want to go to the hospital?” Karma asks but she’s focusing on all of Amy’s body language trying to pinpoint what exactly her next move should even be.

“I probably should.”

They’re both quiet for a minute. Karma can still hear Amy breathing but at least it’s not in a way that’s making her question oxygenation levels. It sounds more like Amy’s trying to stave off the next wave of tears that are threatening to break through.

“We don’t have to, you know,” Karma takes a seat back on the bottom step and reaches for Amy’s hand. Amy lets herself be pulled back down to the step too.

“Am I wrong… if I can’t go there right now?”

Karma shakes her head, “We can go whenever you’re ready.”

“I can-“

And Karma cuts her off with a look because she already knows Amy is going to say she can go alone and that is _not_ going to be an option. That’s never going to be an option here.

This is so much harder than Karma thought it’d be. And she doesn’t have the time or brain capacity to really think about what just happened between them. Or about Liam. Or about any of her current problems outside of this major life event she’s trying to get Amy through.

Nothing else really seems to matter now.

“Karma?” she looks at Amy who’s just teetering on the edge of keeping it together. “Can I have a hug?”

 _God_. Amy is rubbing at her eyes and really just struggling with her own emotions. Of course Amy can have a hug.

What kind of question even is that?

Karma wraps her up like the fragile little thing that she currently is. She hears a frustrated exhale and then feels the warmth of the tears that Amy’s trying desperately to keep quiet about.

“I’m here, Ames. The whole way.”

“Please, don’t leave me,” Amy finally says, brokenly.

“I never could. All in right?” Karma answers with a small crack in her own voice. It hurts to repeat the words that once meant so much – but she’s wondering if maybe they can mean something again.

“All in,” Amy answers quietly.


	14. So Know I'm Gonna Stay Right Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be a bit of a slow burn.

_‘And we’ll fall but we’ll try. We’ll do our best and I’ll love you all the while because you saved my life once’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

Amy’s been asleep for the last few hours. They haven’t quite made it to the hospital yet. And honestly Karma isn’t really in any rush to get to _that_. It’s actually really horrifying to picture Farrah not being… well, Farrah anymore. And she doesn’t really know if she can deal with Lauren’s grief and Bruce’s anger. She has absolutely no clue how Amy’s been holding it all together.

(Although it’s probably pretty clear that it’s certainly been taking it’s toll on Amy).

When she makes it to the doorway of Amy’s old bedroom, it’s with a heavy heart, that she finds Amy whimpering in her sleep. She’d hoped sleep would bring some peace but somehow Amy looks just as devastated like this.

This is a pain that Karma is incapable of fixing.

It’s a pain that is now part of Amy. It’s a pain that may only lessen with time. And it’s frustrating because Karma always had a solution before. When Reagan and Amy split up years ago Karma had ice cream and (shitty) documentaries. When Amy and Farrah used to fight Karma lent her house as an escape and cracked awful jokes that always made Amy smile (even when she didn’t want to). When Bruce moved in Karma picked Amy up and they drove around for hours eating junk food while intelligently debating their favorite tv characters.

No amount of Ben & Jerry’s or bad jokes will lend any reprieve to this kind of pain.

And then it’s the thrashing in the blankets that startles Karma from her thoughts.

“Amy…” Karma sits on the side of the bed lightly, “Ames, c’mon wake up. It’s a bad dream.”

But the blanket is still wound around Amy tightly. Karma can see her hands gripping the sheets forcefully.

She frowns and runs her hand lightly along Amy’s back in small circles. The room is quiet when she finally leans in and says, “Ames, you have to wake up for me, please.”

Amy opens her eyes and looks around the room – she’s completely disoriented. It’s hard to watch the exact moment that Amy realizes why she’s in her old room with her ex girlfriend.

But then just as quickly Amy’s face straightens out and all the emotion that was just present is just gone.

“You, um, were having a bad dream,” Karma says as her hand continues to graze bare skin. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Thanks,” Amy sits up and Karma’s hand falls away in the process, “I’m – I should be at the hospital or wherever Bruce and Lauren are. I’m sure they need help with the funeral arrangements-“

“You don’t have to – I can help. I can go talk to Bruce if you want.”

There’s an awkward pause. _The kiss_ has yet to be a topic of discussion but it’s clearly going to haunt all of their future interactions.

Amy recovers first with, “No, I should. She’s my mom.”

“I can come with you-“

“Karma,” she pauses but then her voice is eerily calm when she adds, “can you just - I need to go alone, okay?”

“You don’t have to do this by yourself,” Karma says, just hoping she’ll listen.

Three hours ago it was hard to get Amy to breathe correctly and now it’s like all of her emotions are just missing. She can’t figure out what this angle is – but she’s not cool with Amy pushing her away all of a sudden. If anything it’s just straight unhealthy for Amy to try to take this all on her own shoulders.

And it definitely doesn’t seem like Bruce or Lauren are going to be much help.

“Look, I know you wanna help,” and Karma can tell her face is doing _something_ she didn’t plan for because Amy’s eyes soften when she adds, “Let me handle the stuff at the hospital and then – can I maybe come by later?”

Karma nods, gives Amy’s an awkward hug and makes her way to her car a minute later.

It’s hard to keep it together when it’s very clear she’s being shut out. Karma knows Amy isn’t okay. Amy is actually the complete opposite of okay but now it’s going to be a matter of breaking through the iron-willed defense that’s up.

And for a second she has to wonder if it’s even worth it at all.

But then she remembers Amy’s broken face on the bottom of the steps and well, yeah; it’s always worth it.

* * *

 

Reagan answers on the second ring.

“Karma? Jesus Christ where the fuck have you been? I’ve been trying to get a hold of you since Sunday night.”

“Amy’s mom died,” she blurts out by way of explanation.

“Wait – what? You need to start from the beginning,” Reagan says.

She takes a shaky breath entirely unsure if she’s going to make it through the story without losing it. It’s hard to not want to have her own breakdown – Farrah has been a huge part of her life and yeah, so they stopped talking after the break up but that was mostly because Karma couldn’t handle anything that reminded her of what she lost.

It wasn’t Farrah’s fault her daughter broke Karma’s heart into a million tiny little pieces.

“Amy’s mom died this morning,” she starts, before taking a deep breath and digging her nails into her thigh for some sort of distraction.“She just left to go to the hospital and I – Reagan, I don’t know what to do. I can’t leave her but this fucking _hurts_.”

There’s a long pause on the line and then, “That’s - are you okay? Is Amy okay?”

“Amy is… I don’t really know. I just feel like she’s shutting down and that scares me,” Karma admits. “I think this is killing her but after she woke up she was like a brick wall.”

“And before she woke up?” Reagan presses.

“When she called she was a mess so I went over and I couldn’t get her to calm down-“

Karma is hesitant to admit the next part that follows. It’s not that she’s ashamed of her decision it’s more like she knows she’s basically walking herself into a black hole that Reagan spent years helping her escape.

“Karma, I know you’re not telling me something. Out with it.”

“She was a mess. She could barely breathe. I mean you should’ve – I didn’t know what to do and she couldn’t like focus on me even when I was calling her name,” yeah, she’s rambling and she knows it. The sigh over the phone line catches her attention so she finishes by saying, “so I kissed her.”

“Kissed her how?” Reagan asks.

“The way you kiss someone? What does that question even mean?”

“Like a peck to catch her attention?”

“Not exactly,” and suddenly Karma is exhausted from the last few days.

“ _Karma_ ,” Reagan’s voice is laced with sympathy and concern and Karma feels her grip on all of her emotions go right out the window. “Are you – _fuck_ – this is… What were you thinking?”

“I wasn’t,” she sniffles and wipes at her face with her sleeve. “I just – she needed me.”

Reagan surprises the shit out of her when she just mumbles back, “I know.”

“I’m probably getting in over my head,” she says weakly, “but I wouldn’t know how to walk away at this point.”

“Well, she’s gonna need someone, right?”

Karma has a moment where she pulls her phone away from her ear just to double check that it’s _Reagan_ she’s on the phone with. “She doesn’t have anyone else. It’s just me.”

“It’s always been just you, Karma,” Reagan says, pointedly. And then she mumbles some bullshit excuse about having to go water her plants. Karma knows its bullshit because Reagan can barely keep a fucking cactus alive.

And what the fuck is with everyone and their cryptic fucking sentences?

* * *

 

Karma still hasn’t been home to the apartment she shares with Liam. They’ve exchanged a few texts. It’s becoming obvious she’s going to need to tell him about this whole mess she’s gotten herself into but she’s just not there yet.

Instead, she’s in her old bed again impatiently waiting.

Her door opens just slightly, letting in a strip of light, and then there’s Amy sliding in and closing it again. That small strip of light is gone and they’re left in the dark.

Karma sits up from her spot,“Hey, how’d it go?”

“It went,” Amy offers as she falls onto the bed.

“Are you-“

“I’m good. The funeral is gonna be Friday, I think. You’re welcome to come but you don’t have to.”

Karma scoffs. “Of course I’m coming.”

“You wouldn’t have if we didn’t just spend the last two days together though,” Amy points out as she settles onto her side.

“That’s not true,” Karma protests. “You know that’s not true, Amy.”

“I guess.”

“It’s not like we’d even be talking right now if you didn’t come home because of well - everything.”

“I told you why I came home,” Amy says, stiltedly. She sounds worn from the day and Karma feels bad for bringing this all up. “And I told you I was sorry-“

Their problems just feel so stupid in light of Amy’s mom dying.

“No,” Karma interrupts, “I’m sorry. We - I didn’t mean to bring it all back up. You had a shit day. Is there anything I can do?”

Amy just shakes her head and closes her eyes. Karma can see the way her shoulders remain tensed and she can see the lines of worry on her forehead. She extends her hand and starts again with the small circles on Amy’s back. (It used to always help and it’s just seems instinctual to do it now).

“Thank you,” Amy whispers into the darkness.

It makes her feel worth something but she just wishes she could do more.

* * *

 

The last few days have been confusing as _fuck_ for Karma. There’s absolutely no way to keep her feet on solid ground when Amy has been like a whirlwind of emotions – none of which have come close to the breakdown Tuesday morning but Karma’s still waiting on it.

Amy’s been angry (screaming over the phone at Bruce), she’s been concerned (checking on Lauren regularly), she’s been professional (arranging all of the funeral matters without thinking twice about it), she’s been frustrated (again with the funeral arrangements), she’s been overwhelmed (trying to get in touch with out of state family members), and she’s been extremely restless (Karma’s ninety percent sure Amy’s slept like four hours in the last three days).

But Amy has not been sad since the day she found out. It’s a lot like the valve to that emotion just got turned off in the shuffle.

Which, okay, Karma can understand Amy feeling like she needs to be strong and handle everything because Lauren and Bruce can’t seem to function properly. But why does it have to be Amy? It was _Amy’s_ mom.

And she’s offered to take the responsibility off of Amy’s shoulders numerous times by now but Amy won’t give it up. Mostly, it seems like Amy is doing everything she can to remain distracted so she doesn’t actually have to _think_ about any of what is happening.

They’ve been staying at her parents still. No matter how bad of a day it turns out to be they always seem to end up back in Karma’s old bed. They always exchange a few awkward sentences that never really reach any emotional depth. And then Amy curls onto her side while Karma rubs her back until they both doze off for at least a few hours.

The routine is really fucking with Karma’s resolve.

So, now it’s Friday and they’re getting ready to get through this funeral that’s going to probably be absolutely awful. Amy is using the Aschcroft bathroom while Karma slips into a black dress she dug out of her old closet (she’s a little proud it still fits).

Sure, today is going to be hard, but it’s going to be made worse by the fact that Reagan, Gia, Theo, Duke, Shane, and Liam are all going to be there. (Yeah, she told Liam on Wednesday she just conveniently left out the fact that they’ve been having sleepovers – oh, and she left out the kiss but she doesn’t really think that’s pertinent information).

When Amy reappears she looks like she’s headed to death row.

“Are you ready?” Amy exhales and then shakes her head no but answers with, “Sure.”

Karma smiles and Amy smiles just the littlest bit in response. It’s a moment of respite from the weight of the last few days. She’s aware it’s not going to last but it’s nice to be able to walk into this feeling just slightly connected.

So, the limos take them to the funeral home. The sun outside is making Karma irrationally angry – she wishes it were raining. But the world doesn’t really stop just because someone doesn’t exist on it anymore.

They both stand outside the doors for a brief moment. She can hear Amy trying to gulp in the air before they make their way inside.

“I know this is gonna be hard,” Karma starts and then she grabs the side of Amy’s hand, “but I’m gonna be right with you.”

Amy just nods like she doesn’t quite trust herself to say anything.

But then Karma feels her tangle their fingers together.

“I love you,” Karma says as she squeezes Amy’s hand to let her know she’s not going to let go.

Amy lets some air slip out between her lips and then nods, “I love you too.”

And then Amy squeezes back desperately like her life depends on Karma holding her hand.

And _maybe_ it does.


	15. Something Like You Love Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading :)

_‘So open up my eyes, tell me I’m alive. This is never gonna go our way if I’m gonna have to guess what’s on your mind_

_I don’t even know if I believe, I don’t even know if I wanna believe everything you’re trying to say to me’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

The stares are the worst part.

Karma never lets go of Amy’s hand.

She knows they’re all watching Amy for the crack in her armor but Karma will _not_ let it happen. Not in front of them. They don’t deserve to see Amy break.

She leans in and whispers “We’ll go up there together.”

Amy hesitates for a second. Karma worries she might just try to argue but then she receives a nod. She feels Amy’s hand shaking as she tries to let go but Karma just grips it tighter and shakes her head.

She isn’t going to let go because she can tell they’re both going to need this to get through this funeral.

It’s weird kneeling in front of the coffin. It’s weird seeing the woman she’s known for the better part of her life just laying there, unmoving. It’s a reminder of how short life is, really; and how quickly loved ones disappear from her grip (as if she needed reminding of that).

And Amy looks-

Karma has to avert her eyes to avoid taking her ex girlfriend into her arms because she can’t handle how small and fragile she looks at this moment. Their hands remain linked but Amy’s is all clammy and trembling.

She can’t quite imagine how this feels. She pictures Molly lying there in front of them and shudders. Then there’s a sharp intake of breath next to her.

“Amy,” she says after a second, “what do you need from me?”

Amy presses her lips together tightly and makes a fist with her free hand. “Just… stay here. I need a minute-“

“Okay,” Karma agrees without needing another word.

They’re obviously on the same page. So, they stay kneeling there for another few minutes while the eyes of family members burn into their backs. Karma could really give a _fuck_.

The rest of the actual funeral is kind of a huge blur for them both. Once Amy got away from the coffin she seemed a little bit more composed. Karma still made sure to keep close, just in case.

And she really hadn’t thought of Liam at all until she finally runs into him at The Coopers’ for the weird fucking luncheon thing that always accompanies funerals; like cold cuts are going to take the place of the grief that’s presided over the family for days. It never really made much sense but here she is.

“Hey, I’ve missed you,” he tells her as he reaches for a hug.

Karma lets him but pulls away quickly. “You too. How’s work been?”

“Okay, I guess. How’s Amy doing?”

“You could ask her yourself if you want to talk to her-“

“I didn’t want – I’m not exactly her favorite person,” Liam says with a weak smile. “You doing okay with her being back?”

Karma raises an eyebrow at him. “Fine. I’ve barely seen her, really.”

“Didn’t seem that way at the funeral-“

“She needed a friend,” Karma says, sharply before turning away to find Amy.

Sure, Liam was just worried. He wasn’t even really accusing her of anything. But anyone with eyes could see there was a level of comfort between them that probably wouldn’t exist had they not seen each other prior to the funeral. But whatever. Liam is asking questions that Karma isn’t quite ready to answer. He may deserve answers but she knows they would only make things worse – and right now – things don’t really need to be any worse.

Her main priority is Amy.

Karma finds her digging through boxes in the garage. “Whatcha looking for?”

“A serving plate,” Amy looks up for a second and then keeps digging, “she’d kill me if she knew I wasn’t using the right plate. Like the world’s gonna stop spinning if we aren’t eating crackers off the fucking proper china.”

“Can I help at all?” Karma asks coming up behind her.

When she finds the plate there’s a small noise of despair. Karma steps closer to discover broken bits of glass and ceramic at the bottom of a box that’s long since been discarded.

“Of course,” Amy groans. “I can’t even do this right.”

“It’s just a plate-“

“That’s not the point. She would’ve wanted this. She wouldn’t have even had people here if this stupid plate wasn’t on the god damn table. You knew her, Karma, how can you act like it wouldn’t have mattered?”

Karma is silent for a few beats. “Ames, she… the plate doesn’t matter anymore. Today is to honor her memory, not worry about the dishes.”

“ _This_ is my memory of her,” Amy admits quietly.

Karma’s heart hurts. “You said the last few years were different.”

“It doesn’t change the first twenty-seven. We- things weren’t perfect with us but at the end of the day she was my _mom_. She didn’t always do everything right but she did her best. And to her – her best was having the right plates, a clean house, the best clothes – that was Farrah.”

And yeah, it’s probably all true. Farrah never had the priorities that Molly had but Farrah was always there for Amy when it counted. And Karma then has to take into account that she didn’t even know Farrah after the cancer – but the way Amy has described it makes Karma want to go back and give her a hug for finally giving Amy what she so desperately wanted from her mother.

“I remember her giving us etiquette classes when we were little,” Karma says, as gently as she can.

Amy smiles and wipes at her eyes, “I was _terrible_ at sitting properly.”

She air quotes properly and Karma laughs.

“Well, if you’d just worn the dresses she picked out maybe you would’ve remembered to cross your legs.”

“I _still_ wouldn’t wear the stupid dresses,” Amy says with an eye roll. “God, she was so ridiculous.”

“She loved you.”

“Yeah, I know. She just had a shitty way of showing it sometimes.”

Karma watches her sit on a box not far from where they’ve been standing.

“No one’s parents are perfect. But she came a long way from when we were kids. I mean – she invited me to dinner a lot,” Karma exhales and continues with what she wasn’t sure she even wanted to say. “She invited me a few times even after we broke up.”

Amy glances over in surprise. “Did you go?”

She swallows weakly and shakes her head, “I couldn’t. It was-“

“Right,” Amy pauses and then adds, “she never told me she did that.”

“I don’t really think she wanted you to know. But she stopped after I turned her down the first few times and then I just never really heard from her after that. I mean, I think she understood.”

“She always told me I was stupid for leaving you,” Amy finally says. “When I called the day after everything she went off for like twenty minutes about what an idiot I was. I never – I know she thought it would’ve been easier if I was, ya know, straight but she told me that night if I just had to be with a girl then it should be you. Which I guess is the nicest way she knew how to put it but… she’d never stood up for you like that before.”

And Karma doesn’t know what the fuck to do with this kind of information. It hadn’t even really occurred to her that Farrah might’ve had feelings about their break up or even their relationship in the first place. She’d always just assumed Farrah was still banking on their _thing_ being a phase in Amy’s life. This apparently wasn’t the case.

She bites her lip and looks over, “She was – we weren’t close but I loved her, you know that, right?”

Amy just nods her head and wipes at tears that started falling who knows how long ago. Karma waits as the tears turn into heavy sobs. She makes room for herself next to Amy on a box that feels like it’ll probably collapse under both their weight.

“If this thing breaks-“ Amy kind of cough-laughs at that and shifts into Karma’s open arms.

“I miss her,” Amy says before she can stop herself.

“I know you do. If there was anything else I could do-“

“Karma, this is – this is so much more than enough.”

* * *

 

Thirty minutes later they sneak back into the house and go their separate ways through the house. Amy’s still sporting red eyes and ears but she looks mostly okay (or as okay as she’s going to get at her mother’s funeral luncheon thing).

Reagan cuts her off in a hallway between the kitchen and formal dining room.

“What are you doing?”

Karma pauses and looks for exactly what Reagan might be asking. “Going back to the living room?”

“Don’t play stupid. I meant with Amy. Liam saw you with her.”

“I can talk to whoever I want-“

“Karma, he saw you hugging her. And I know it wasn’t a friendly everything’s gonna be fine hug,” Reagan says eyeing her for the truth.

“She was upset,” Karma says defending herself. She’d make the same choice twenty more times if given the option.

“Her mom died. Of course she was. But Liam is still your boyfriend and need I remind you that he knows your history with Amy. Can you blame him if he’s worried?”

“Reagan-“

“Don’t bullshit me, Karma, okay? I know you. And we don’t lie to each other. That is _not_ our thing.”

And that’s not untrue. There had been a moment a few years ago where they both made a bit of an honesty pact. It’s probably the only reason Karma didn’t go into therapy or lose her mind after the break up. Reagan forced her to be honest and face her feelings head on. It certainly served its purpose and really, Reagan has yet to steer her in the wrong direction.

“I _want_ to be there for her. I-“ Karma sighs and looks around for eavesdroppers. “I don’t want anyone else to take care of her. I want it to be me.”

“What about Liam?”

She hesitates and finally says, “I don’t know. He’s been good to me. He’s been safe and he takes care of me.”

“Let me put it to you this way. It’s not fair to drag him through the dirt on this even if he knew what he was walking into. There’s no way he thought Amy was coming back.“

“But-“

“Let me finish,” Reagan says cutting her off effectively. “I am not defending him. I am on your side I just want you to look at the big picture. And I’ll leave you with this when it comes to things with Liam – if you’re happy with him then stay, okay? Because I am all about you being happy. But if you’re with Liam because you’re content,” Reagan stares just a little bit harder here and Karma lowers her eyes, “then leave. Don’t stay with someone out of convenience because then you’re just settling. And you know what it feels like when you’re not settling. That’s a lot more than most people can say.”

Karma just nods and Reagan walks away having said her peace.

* * *

 

At the start of the day she wasn’t quite ready to walk away from Liam but with every minute she’s spent with Amy - the farther away she feels from him. It’s so easy to reconnect with Amy in a way she has _never_ really connected with Liam.

“I’ve been looking for you,” she hears Liam say from behind her.

“I’ve… been looking for you too.”

“I know you haven’t but I appreciate you saying it anyway.”

“Liam-“

He looks at her with such understanding in his eyes that she kind of wants to cry. “I saw you with her, Karma.”

“We – it wasn’t anything,” she tells him.

She’s surprised when he smiles just slightly and says, “It’s you and Amy. It was definitely something.”

“Her mom just died.”

“You keep saying that like it changes any of what you feel for her,” Liam says honestly. “It’s not as if her mom dying made you love her. You never got over her, Karma, you just got used to her being gone.”

It’s the most honest thing he’s ever said and it gives her pause. Is that what’s been happening for the last year with him? Did she just get used to her life lacking Amy?

She has no answer for that so they stand awkwardly in the hallway for a few minutes until he speaks again. “I knew what I was getting into with you. And I know why you’re with me. And I’m not mad but I’m gonna walk away because I know you won’t.”

He wraps his arms around her and she swallows back a sob that threatens its way up her throat. She’s always losing someone and it always hurts. But he was supposed to be her safe place and someone she could count on to be there in the background (which she knows is extremely fucking unfair).

“I do love you,” she says quietly.

He sighs. “I know you do. Just not the way you should love someone you’re with.”

“I tried-“ she starts to say but then she stops. It’s not fair to lie to him after all the honesty he’s just afforded her. Liam completely ignores that and she’s grateful.

“Do you mind if I keep the apartment for now… I’m not trying to be a dick I just don’t have anywhere else to go and I can’t go back to my parents. Especially not if I’m gonna be quitting the company soon.”

And _that_ makes Karma smile. “Take it. I’ll move home.”

“With Amy?” Liam teases in that boyish grade school way.

She snorts and hits his arm and suddenly everything feels like it might be okay… eventually.


	16. I'll Never Know Unless I Try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is not the end yet! I still have a little ways to go with these two.

_‘Cause they say home is where your heart is set in stone, is where you go when you’re alone, is where you go to rest your bones._

_It’s not just where you lay your head, it’s not just where you make your bed._

_As long as we’re together does it matter where we go?’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

“Do you remember when your gam gam died?”

Karma sighs and says, “Of course I remember. Like what kind of question is that?”

“I just-“ Amy stops and rolls onto her side to face Karma, “did it feel like this?”

“Probably not. But she was your mom, Ames,” Karma says as shifts a little closer on her own pillow. “It’s not really the same.”

It’s been a while since they’ve let themselves be this close with any sort of emotion present. The last week has consisted of them constantly tip toeing around anything _real_ but right now, with a few inches separating them – well, this definitely seems real.

It seems like the realest thing Karma’s experienced in years. And tonight she doesn’t feel scared of it – although she’s still wary of Amy, for sure – but right now she just feels calm.

And Amy seems to feel it too if the look in her eyes is any indication.

“You’re the only person that’s made me feel like maybe the whole world isn’t ending,” Amy says, after a moment. “I remember - when your gam gam died you wouldn’t let anyone else come over.”

Karma feels herself smile just a little bit. “Well, I guess _that_ felt the same. You were the only person I wanted – you were the only one that made me feel better. And the only person that could make me laugh.”

Amy nods, with a small smile, and says, “I’ve smiled more over the last week with you than I have since I found out my mom was sick.”

“I can’t really help being funny, you know.”

“I see your ego has only improved with time,” Amy says with a roll of her eyes. “Is it okay – if you’re the only person I want here right now?”

It’s hard to not find that endearing. It’s hard to not cling to Amy for dear life. She reaches out and lays her hand over Amy’s that’s lying still on the bed in the space between them.

“I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. You’ll always have me, no matter what.”

“You didn’t have to-“

“I did,” Karma says silencing any further protests. “You’re my best friend. I – nothing’s ever going to change that. Whether we’re together or broken up or we don’t talk for five years,” Amy gives a teary laugh at that, “you are always going to be my best friend. So, yeah, Ames, I had to be here. I was never gonna let you do this alone. And I grew up with your mom. She might not have liked me for a few years but she was another parent to me. She helped raise me… she’s a lot of why I am who I am just because of all the time I spent at your house when we were little.”

Amy breathes quietly for a minute, then says, “I’d be there too, you know. If the situations were reversed.”

“I know. You and me – we have something that’s never really gonna go away,” the conversation pauses for a second before Karma adds, “even if for like, five years, I kept wishing it would.”

Amy winces slightly. “Do you need me to apologize again? Karma, if it’ll help I’ll say I’m sorry every single day. I’m just,” Amy takes a deep breath like she’s gathering her thoughts, “I’m so grateful for you. I couldn’t have gotten through today without you.”

“I don’t need you to apologize everyday. Really. It’s-” she sighs and shifts the pillow to move back just slightly, “It’s hard being with you. It feels like I’m ten in the backyard with you… and fifteen in the gym… and twenty in my room – it feels like all of that all over again. It’s this weird mix of old pain and this-“ Karma pauses, completely unsure if it’s more than she wants to reveal to the girl who broke her heart not so long ago.

“And?” Amy prods, flipping her hand to run her fingers along Karma’s palm. It sends a shiver up her spine.

Fuck.

“This… happiness I haven’t felt in years,” Karma responds and then looks away because she can’t even handle looking at Amy with that kind of honesty floating in the air around them.

The room is quiet, save for a small breeze blowing through the crack in Karma’s window. Her heart is pounding forcefully to the rhythm of the way Amy’s fingers are still circling her palm. She continues to fight the urge to dive across the small space between them.

Amy clears her throat and says, “Do you have to go… home at any point?”

Oh. Right. Amy doesn’t know about Liam.

“This is home again,” Karma says, suddenly a little bit nervous. But Amy just takes the answer for what it is and doesn’t bother calling Karma out on the fact that just a few days ago she said she was happy with Liam

“You okay?”

Karma laughs weakly, “You just lost your mom and you’re asking me that?”

“Sometimes it’s nice to focus on something else.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. It’s part of why I even went back to him – to focus on something else. I mean, what’d you think I went back for?”

“To hurt me?” Amy asks, almost surprising them both.

Karma falls silent and then makes eye contact. “I wasn’t looking to hurt you four years later. I didn’t think you were ever coming back – and I wasn’t planning on you ever finding out about it. I couldn’t – Amy, you… god, you made me feel like I was the most special thing in the whole world. And then you made me feel so _unwanted_.”

“ _Karma_ , I… okay-“ Amy stumbles through her words in this strangled voice before she just stops. Then she takes a slow, deep breath and starts again. “Unwanted? Are you crazy? I’ve known you for almost my entire life; you’re perfect, okay? You have to stop thinking that you’re not _worth_ wanting. I never made that decision because I didn’t want you and if we never talked again after tonight that’s probably the most important thing I’d want you to remember.”

Karma’s heart flutters in her chest; Amy’s saying _all_ of the right things. Confused doesn’t even begin to cover the multitude of things she’s feeling right now.

“Truth or dare.” Amy chuckles and let’s her change the subject entirely without a second thought, “Truth.”

“Were you really never with anyone the entire time after me?” Karma asks, softly.

“Never,” Amy replies immediately, never looking away. “Truth or dare, Karms.”

“Truth.”

“Do you think we can ever fix this?” It stops the conversation unintentionally, but then Karma carefully says, “I think... I’m still learning to forgive you, but I’m trying. I’m still trying to think of you as someone that isn’t going to hurt me. That’s really all I know right now.”

And it’s definitely more than she could’ve said a week ago.

* * *

 

Two weeks later they agree to breakfast with Reagan at the diner that Karma and Reagan typically frequent. It’s pretty weird for Karma to be mixing these two worlds she’s kept so separate. Even when she and Amy were together the three of them didn’t really spend a lot of time together – for obvious reasons.

It was mostly after the break up that she and Reagan bonded. And it was Reagan’s suggestion that the three of them meet up when she claimed she ‘wanted a chance to see Amy again.’ And okay, Karma guesses that’s fair since _technically_ Reagan knew Amy first (i.e. having dated her for a few years as a teenagers). But it’s still weird to have her first best friend/ex-girlfriend and current best friend hugging outside the front door.

“How is everything?” she hears Reagan ask and she watches as Amy just responds with a shrug and “You know… it’s going.”

And it has been going. Amy has had some fairly normal days when she distracts herself with studying and going to work at the hospital in Georgetown. And then there are days that Karma has had to wake up at four thirty to shove her out of the bed they’ve been sharing. Amy mostly looks like a zombie those mornings and Karma is sure to lay out her scrubs and white coat to make sure she gets out the door on time.

It’s hard to wake up every morning not knowing which Amy she’s getting for the day.

And they’ve been steadily growing closer – Karma thinks they probably couldn’t help that if they wanted to seeing as how Amy has basically moved into the Ashcroft family home. And she can’t say it doesn’t feel like a return to form to be sitting at the dinner table most nights with her parents and Amy.

The nights Amy’s on call at the hospital Karma _misses_ her desperately (which she knows is a growing problem she’s going to have to deal with eventually). Those are the nights her mom usually makes eyes at her waiting for the explosion of all of these _feelings_ that she’s horrified of having. But Karma refuses to burst just yet.

And Amy has mostly refused to return to her childhood home that’s been handed over to Bruce. They were civil at the funeral but Karma never really saw them actually speak. It seems all the communicating has been through Lauren. She’s sure that’s also going to have to be dealt with eventually – but it seems they’re both avoiding dealing with the things that _should_ be dealt with.

“What’re you getting?” Amy asks as they all settle into a booth.

“Hm, I’m thinking some eggs and toast that I’m going to eat _all_ of,” Karma says with a purposeful glance at Reagan who just looks away innocently. “You?”

“Pancakes,” Amy responds with a smile. “And bacon, definitely. Oh, and extra syrup. They never give you enough at diners.”

Karma half-smiles and shakes her head. “They give you plenty you just have an unnatural obsession with anything full of sugar.”

“Whatever, sugar is _delicious_ and I haven’t had pancakes in forever. You always get eggs, why don’t you try mixing it up once in a while?”

“Because I try not to have my entire weekly sugar intake in one morning.”

Amy snorts and pours cream and sugar into a coffee that she hands to Karma before starting on her own. Karma can see Reagan raising an eyebrow from her place across from them.

“How do you think I survive the day, Karms? I’m a _doctor_. I require caffeine and sugar to even exist.”

Karma just grins and looks over at Reagan, “The usual for you?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna stick with the omelet, but maybe you should mix it up, Karma. You used to always get Belgian waffles – maybe you just need to give it a shot and see if you still like it.”

Karma glares and the whole thing blows over Amy’s head.

So, they place orders. And Karma gets the Belgian waffles. And Reagan just coughs which Karma _knows_ is covering a laugh because she knows Reagan. It’s all very annoying. But the food comes quickly and the conversation actually flows pretty effortlessly.

“Fuck,” Amy groans when she drops her knife on the floor.

“Here,” Karma hands hers over without a second thought.

“Thanks. I was worried I was gonna have to go face first into these pancakes.”

“You know, it’s amazing to me that someone decided you were doctor material,” Karma notes and then she feels a hand shove her shoulder as she laughs.

“I try to let it all out on my days off,” Amy says as she hands the knife back before Karma has a chance to ask.

“So, do you like the doctor life?” Reagan asks.

Amy nods with a mouthful of food. Karma hands her a napkin and continues with her waffle.

“Yeah, most of the time my brain feels like it’s gonna explode but the patients, for the most part, are awesome.”

Karma can see Reagan eyeing their easy back and forth. “You know what you wanna specialize in?”

“I wanted to do oncology for a while… but after everything with my mom…” Amy pauses and takes the knife from Karma. Karma scoffs because she so wasn’t _done_ but Amy just smirks, looks at Reagan, and says, “I’m thinking maybe ortho now. Or maybe something cardiac related. I like neuro but that’s probably the most complicated thing in the world and I just wanna be done after this.”

“So, you’re staying?”

Amy seems to consider the question for a moment looks quickly at Karma and says, “Yeah. I’m hoping to try to talk to someone to get a job at the hospital I’m at now so I can stay. I mean, nothing’s guaranteed but this is where I wanna be.”

Karma takes the knife back and straight refuses to look across the table. She focuses on her waffles and the way her coffee somehow tastes better than it does when she makes it herself.

* * *

 

She expects the phone call a few hours later after Amy leaves for a movie with Lauren.

“Hey.”

“Okay, talk to me, Ashcroft,” Reagan demands over the line. Not even a hello.

Karma thinks she’s so rude sometimes.

“About what?”

“You’re really running with the ‘play dumb’ thing lately, huh?” and Karma can hear the smile in Reagan’s voice.

“I’m not playing anything. I just don’t know what you want me to say,” Karma says.

Reagan pauses and then asks, “Are you two together?”

“No, not at all. Why?”

“Gee, I don’t know,” Reagan says, pointedly. “Did you see yourselves this morning?”

“She needed a knife,” Karma defends.

“Yeah, and if I dropped my knife you would’ve called the waitress. There’s something there, Karma. You were never like that with Liam. Its just… there’s something so _easy_ between the two of you – it kind of seemed like she was never gone.”

“But she was,” Karma says, stiffly. “Things are easy. That was always how it was with Amy. But she left and I just don’t know if I can put myself there again. And you hated her for leaving so I don’t even understand where all of this is coming from.”

“I hated her for hurting you,” Reagan corrects. “I never hated Amy. I’ve been in touch with her here and there over the last few years. I just hated what she did. Actions don’t define someone, if they did I would probably still hate you.”

Karma just sighs. “That’s not fair I was sixteen-years-old when all of that happened with the three of us.”

“And Amy was twenty five. I’m not saying she’s not at fault for what happened. Like, at all. You know I would’ve kicked her ass if you’d let me because she should’ve taken responsibility for it. But it sounds like she did that since she’s been home.”

“Well, maybe it’s too late,” Karma mumbles, petulantly.

“Yeah, maybe. But I can see it in your face that you still feel _something_. Just because it’s been five years and you buried all of that shit doesn’t mean it doesn’t still exist.”

“Reagan, stop with your wise words of wisdom, okay? I would’ve asked if I wanted your advice.”

Reagan chuckles softly. “If I ever actually waited for you to ask for my advice you’d still be laying in bed from five years ago.”

“That is _not_ true,” Karma protests. Yeah, maybe it’s true but she’s not letting Reagan have the last word on this.

“Okay, tell yourself whatever you want. I’m just saying – how long can you keep going like this? How long can you keep living with her, sleeping in the same bed, and acting like you’re in a relationship before it is one?”

“For as long as I want. I’m not getting hurt-“

“Karma, Jesus Christ, just because you’re not kissing her or labeling anything doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt if she got on a plane tomorrow,” Reagan says, a little more firmly.

Karma just breathes.

Well.


	17. To Show You The Way Back Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn’t the end but the story probably will be coming to a close relatively soon. I appreciate all the love for it though! And a special thanks to lazarus_girl for this one.

_‘Do you know what it feels like to fall in your arms, do you know what it feels like to love you?_

_I can taste every tear drop you’ve given me this far, don’t forget who it is that you are_

_A world without you, what would I do? What would I do without you?’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

It’s three more weeks of the Karma and Amy routine and three more weeks of the absolute mess of jumbled thoughts in Karma’s head.

But Amy at least seems to be doing better most days and as every week goes by there are fewer days that Karma needs to shove her out of bed. She starts to wonder if that means Amy’s on the way to moving home (and then she finds that she hopes she isn’t).

Oddly enough, it’s the phone call from Reagan a few weeks back that’s had Karma so confused. And yeah, she totally meant to start distancing herself from Amy but all that’s really happened is that they’ve gotten closer and more dependent on each other with every day that’s gone by. It’s horrifying Karma that all of her plans go haywire when it comes to Amy (but then, isn’t that how it’s always been).

They’re out to dinner when Amy looks up from her dessert and says, “Any chance I could talk you into coming out with me Saturday night?”

“That could be arranged. I’m surprised,” Karma pauses for a bite of the brownie they’re sharing, “that you wanna go out. You’ve been a hermit lately since…everything.”

Amy lowers her eyes. “Yeah, well, some of the people I work with invited me out to a bar that’s like ten minutes from here that they all go to on the weekends. I’m still pretty new there, so I figured I should try to make some friends ”

“It’ll be good for you to get out,” Karma replies with a nudge to Amy’s shin under the table. “What do you need me for? You should go and have a good time.”

“You know I suck at socializing and they told me to bring a friend. You’re my friend so I dunno, I thought maybe you could come with me,” Amy suggests and Karma finds its almost weird to hear the word ‘friend’ come out of Amy’s mouth after all the years they were so much more to each other.

“I’ll come,” Karma finally says. “But you better not leave me.”

Amy smiles. “I’ll be with you the whole night. Promise.”

* * *

 

It’s against all of her better judgment that she goes to Reagan for help getting ready Saturday. Amy’s at the hospital finishing some last minute charts for the week and Karma is _nervous_.

“Thought we’d pre-game, Ashcroft.”

“Oh yeah, great idea. Get me shitfaced before I even get there,” Karma says as she rolls her eyes. “Help meeeeee.”

“Take a shot and I’ll help.”

Reagan hands her a shot glass with _something_ clear – Karma doesn’t really bother to ask she just downs it so Reagan will shut up. She takes the lime that’s offered two seconds later – well, at least Reagan went with the Patron and not the shitty tequila this time.

“There, took it. What do you think of this?” Karma asks pointing to what she’s currently wearing.

Reagan starts laughing after a moment. “Karma, is she taking you to church? Change now.”

It takes all of two seconds for Reagan to pull out a low cut white dress from the back of her closet. Karma remembers wearing it to a club in her early twenties – it’s not something she really ever planned on wearing again but kept more for nostalgic purposes.

“I don’t wanna look slutty!” Karma protests, arms folded across her chest. “I’ve never even met these people before.”

“Yeah, cause dressing like a Duggar clone will get you noticed,” Reagan says with all of the sass she normally possesses.

“It’s not _that_ bad.”

“It is that bad,” Reagan puts another shot in her hands before she pushes her to the bathroom. “Just trust me.”

Karma takes a while getting ready. She pulls the dress down to cover some of the leg she’s showing but that reveals a bit too much cleavage. So, then she pulls at the top to cover the cleavage but that reveals a bit too much leg. She decides to just finish her makeup hair before she argues the outfit with Reagan.

“Holy fuck, Karma,” Reagan says before she can even begin to dispute the dress the way she’d planned.

“Wait, what? You like this?”

Reagan just eyes her carefully and says, “I’d do you.”

She looks up in surprise but then considers all the years she’s known Reagan and all of the times that Reagan has genuinely complimented her (she knows it’s very few because that’s so not how their friendship even works – but this seems legit).

“Really?”

“Have you even _looked_ in the mirror?!”

Karma can feel her face heat up as she turns to her full-length mirror on the opposite wall. And well, she doesn’t look half-bad, really.

“Learn to take a compliment, Ashcroft,” she hears Reagan say from across the room. “You’re a hot piece of ass. Didn’t Liam ever tell you that?”

Karma blinks and turns around, “No, I guess not in those words exactly.”

“Well, he should’ve. I know we don’t – I know we joke around and bust on each other but Karma, _damn_ , okay? I have eyes. I don’t know what you were even doing with him. Even if it wasn’t Amy you deserved someone who said that shit to you-“

“You never told me this,” Karma says, raising her eyebrows at Reagan’s drunken tangent.

“Because it was the first time you ever seemed like… at least you stopped crying, ya know? And I mean he wasn’t a dick to you but he wasn’t _great_. You should be complimented because I know how you are and for whatever reason you think so lowly of yourself.”

Karma looks at the floor and says, “He treated me fine. And he was always there.”

“And for a while you needed that, I know,” Reagan says, after a second. “You’re not that girl anymore, Karma. You’re a lot stronger than you were then. Just go out tonight and have some fun. You guys could use a night out.”

Reagan goes for a hug and Karma ducks quickly with a laugh, “You’re drunk.”

“Am not.”

“Are too.”

“Whatever, fuck off, _Carmen_ ,” Reagan sits on the floor with the bottle and smiles. And Karma just replies with her middle finger.

* * *

 

“Guys, this is Karma-“

“Oh this is _the_ Karma?” a girl with long, dark hair asks like there’s a story there. Amy blushes immediately and Karma suddenly _wants_ to know the story.

Amy takes a deep breath, “Yeah, this is her. Karma, this is Kay – she works on the orthopedic floor.”

“Yeah, and we’re trying to recruit Amy over to the ortho side,” Kay says as she offers her hand, “Nice to meet you, Karma. This one never shuts up about you.”

Well, this is interesting.

“Nice to meet you too. She said she might be interested in ortho so you might still have a chance,” Karma offers with a small smile.

“I like her already. She’s on _my_ side.”

“Not if I have anything to say about it,” a tall male appears from the corner to interrupt the conversation. “Hey, sorry, I’m Will. I work on cardiac and we’re trying to lure Amy our way. It’s nice to finally meet you, Karma. She’s so private it’s cool to see her finally starting to open up a little.”

Karma glances at Amy who looks like she’s about to bolt through the next available exit. She almost feels bad about it but she’s never not going to be curious about Amy’s _other_ life.

“Well, she’s mentioned cardiac too so I’m not taking any sides.”

“And she’s loyal,” Will says with a smile. He turns back to Amy, “what can I get you? First rounds on me.”

“Whiskey sour,” she says. Karma comes up just in time to hear him ask, “And what about your girlfriend?”

Amy sort of chokes on the air, “Oh, um, she’s-“

“I’ll take a vodka cranberry,” she says as she wraps a hand around Amy’s wrist to tell her to shut up. “Thanks, Will.”

He nods and heads for the bar while Amy just looks around sheepishly.

“Whatcha been telling everyone, Ames?” Karma asks with a bit of a devilish smirk.

“Karma, I didn’t – I _wouldn’t_ do that. He must’ve just assumed-“

“Because I’m all you talk about?”

“No, I just don’t-“ Amy stops and finally looks over. She realizes Karma’s just fucking with her. “That was mean.”

“Let’s just have fun, okay?” she moves her fingers from Amy’s wrist into Amy’s hand and tangles them together. “They can think what they want. If it makes them like me more it’s fine by me.”

Amy laughs. “Your ego is out of control.”

Will hands them their drinks and Karma starts singing the opening lines to the song pulsing through the building. “ _Oh don’t you dare look back just keep your eyes on me I said you’re holding back she said shut up and dance with me. This woman is my destiny…_ ” and then she pulls Amy out into the crowd.

“We haven’t danced together in forever,” Amy notes after a few songs have passed.

“Mm,” and Karma just pulls her a bit closer.

“Can I – don’t take it the wrong way if I say this okay?” Amy asks, tentatively. Karma nods but keeps up with the beat. “You look beautiful tonight. Like perfect. And I don’t mean that like I’m trying to make this go anywhere or something I just – you should know.”

Karma’s brought back to the night in her bedroom when Amy called her gorgeous. And then she’s brought back to a night in a club when a girl Amelia said the same. She looks at Amy and feels it all bubbling to the surface under the veil of the happy buzz she’s sporting from the alcohol.

She’s quiet for a few seconds and then says, “Thank you.”

And then she remembers all of Reagan’s words from earlier and ducks her head.

* * *

 

It’s the walk home that sobers them both up for the most part. Her feet are blistered in all sorts of places. Amy offered to carry her a few times but she didn’t think Amy needed the extra factor while trying to maintain her own balance. Instead, Karma linked their arms and got them through the thirty-minute walk home.

“Fuck, I’m tired,” Amy mumbles as she makes her way into the kitchen.

“Quiet,” Karma says, as she points towards the ceiling and sets her purse on the table, “They’re sleeping.”

Amy smirks, “I keep forgetting we live with your parents.”

“Yeah, well ya know… just two successful thirty-year-olds living at home. Winners,” Karma says as she pulls her hair down and heads for the coffee pot. “You want some?”

“Sure,” Amy responds with a shrug as she hops up on the counter. “How are you still in those heels?”

Karma groans, “I’m actually pretty sure my feet are completely numb at this point. I do need to change though,” and then she pauses for a moment. “Would you be able to unzip this for me? Reagan helped me earlier so I’m kind of stuck.”

“Yeah, c’mere,” Amy says.

Karma steps into the space between Amy’s legs and turns around to let her pull at the zipper. It’s a little bit more than she bargained for when she feels Amy’s hands ghosting along her neckline to move her hair out of the way. It takes Amy a minute to start to pull the zipper but when she does Karma can feel the slight tremble. She can feel her chest flip as she feels the zipper come undone at an agonizingly slow pace.

Never in her life has it taken so long for anyone to unzip _anything_. As it is, never in her life has it felt _so good_ to have someone unzip anything.

There’s a definite shift when Amy’s fingers run down her back over her exposed bare skin. She lets out a shaky breath at her touch. She hasn’t been touched quite like that in years.

They’re in dangerous territory now.

Karma turns back around slowly and finds Amy with a look in her eyes that’s so intense that she literally cannot help herself from leaning forward. She clutches at the sides of Amy’s thighs when their lips touch.

This one isn’t to calm Amy down; it’s not to help her breathe easier. Amy kisses back hesitantly like Karma might just run if she realizes what’s going on. So, to provide some reassurance she pulls at Amy’s thighs until they can’t possibly get any closer. Karma can feel her start to relax into it gradually. Amy is soft and cautious and giving Karma every opportunity to back out.

Instead of pulling away Karma feels herself becoming a little more insistent. She tugs at Amy’s bottom lip and urges her to open her mouth. Amy goes along easily enough and Karma uses the chance to push forward. She feels more than hears Amy’s little noise when she slips her tongue inside. But Amy is eager and willing and finally Karma feels hands pulling her in too. And all she can think is ‘there she is’ because it’s been so long since she’s felt Amy _want_ her.

Amy’s hands slide up her back again and into her hair until the kisses feel desperate and heated.

And then there’s a beeping from the coffee pot on the counter next to them that scares the shit out of them both.

Amy just blinks and whispers, “Sorry. I should’ve – that wasn’t planned.”

And Karma has no clue why Amy’s apologizing since they both are completely aware of the fact that Karma started it.

Karma just stays tucked in between Amy’s legs and sucks in a breath. She glances at Amy’s swollen lips after a second. _God_.


	18. I'll Never Understand My Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Not the end!

_‘Who knows why two people perfectly aligned should ever have to find themselves apart.’_

“Should we-“ Amy tries but Karma just shakes her head.

It probably isn’t helping either of them that Karma has yet to move away. But she doesn’t really want to – Amy’s arms have always felt safe and inviting in a way Liam’s certainly never did. It’s different being in her arms now compared to a few weeks ago. It’s different when it’s because Amy wants her there and not a grief induced physical connection.

It’s all very different when Karma turns away because she can’t quite look her in the eye. Amy gently lays her forehead against Karma’s cheek and lets out a deep breath.

“Karma, talk to me,” Amy’s pleading and Karma wants nothing more than to just have a full on vent session like when they were sixteen. But they’re not sixteen at all and it’s hard to vent about a broken heart to the person who caused the fucking damage.

“I can’t talk to you,” Karma half-whispers as she digs her fingers into Amy’s thighs to lessen the crack in her voice.

Amy nuzzles in closer and everything in Karma’s brain quiets. “Please.”

“Ames… I just-“ she pauses for a breath and Amy pulls back slightly. “Where do we go from here?”

“Wherever you want,” Amy says, because it’s true. And Karma knows it. The ball is one hundred percent in her court and Amy has clearly surrendered all control. And yeah, she knows Amy wants her – it’s obvious in the way Amy is looking at her (and the way her heart is pounding).

“I forgive you,” Karma finally says. And Amy looks at her in surprise because none of those words were expected. “That’s not the problem. And I know this sounds _so_ like, cliché-“

“You don’t trust me,” Amy says, finishing her thought with a small, sad smile.

“I’m sorry-“

“Don’t apologize, okay? I don’t expect you to. And if you need to we can pretend this never happened tonight. Karma, I’ll do whatever you want if it means we can – I don’t want it to change anything.”

Karma stares at the wall, past Amy, and then after a minute shakes her head, “I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen. I just… can’t right now. I’m not there yet, is that okay?”

“More than okay,” Amy agrees and attempts to remove herself from the counter.

Karma protests by pulling her into a hug. “Thank you.”

Amy nods slightly as she pulls back. “Do you want me to sleep down here tonight? Because it’s fine. I can give you space.”

“No, don’t. If you don’t want it to change anything then just come upstairs and lay with me,” Karma says, before hesitating and looking at the coffee pot – that stupid gadget that interrupted them and reminded her of things like self-control and logic. Then, she glances back up and says, “I’m not like – do you mind laying with me? I don’t wanna, ya know, waterboard your heart or anything.”

It makes Amy laugh and Karma takes pleasure in small victories. Yeah, it’s always been a pleasure to put a smile on Amy’s face but they’ve been somewhat far and few between since she lost Farrah. And Karma’s been doing everything she can but it never quite feels like enough. It’s never going to feel like enough because getting over losing a parent doesn’t really ever go away. It’s going to be a lifelong process and when Karma has that realization she realizes she wants to be part of that process.

She never wants to lose Amy again to the point that she isn’t part of the process. That’s kind of a revelation in and of itself after five years of convincing herself she never wanted to see Amy ever again.

“Not waterboarding,” Amy responds as she slides off the counter and bends down with purpose. “Grab my shoulders,” and Karma does as she’s told. Her heels are taken off one at a time and then Amy stands and rifles through a cabinet to pull down a plastic cup Karma hasn’t seen in years.

“I didn’t even know we still had that?”

Amy rolls her eyes. “It’s not like you moved out for five years, Karms. And your mom wouldn’t throw this thing away. It’s like… the anti-hangover. Not that we need it but – anytime I drink now I feel like shit in the morning so maybe it’ll help. And hydration is key.”

“Thank you for the words of wisdom, doctor,” Karma says with a smile as Amy fills the oversized plastic cup they always used to share after a late night out.

“People pay a lot of money for this kind of advice. You should be lucky I’m telling you for free-“

“And you say _my_ ego is out of control?!” Karma exclaims.

Amy just shrugs with a playful glint in her eyes. “At least my ego is justified!”

Karma scoffs and stalks to the stairs, “Sleep down here tonight. See if I care.”

“You would totally care,” Amy insists, still grinning as she makes her way over to follow Karma. “Hey, Karms – I, um… I missed you. Just thought I should say it.”

Karma feels the heat crawl up her neck and into her cheeks as Amy’s hand catches hers. “Missed you too.”

* * *

 

The morning is completely unwelcome when the sun leaks through the windows. Karma opens her eyes but remains completely still as she registers the fact that Amy is right next to her and they _kissed_ last night. Karma voluntarily kissed her and now she’s so god damn confused.

How does she get past the fact that Amy up and walked away? How does she put all of her hopes and dreams back into someone like that? And how does she ever start to believe she won’t do it again?

The questions are endless but Amy’s sleepy smile kind of makes her feel like those questions might have answers they can find together. “Hey you.”

“Hey,” Karma replies as she turns to see Amy fully.

“The anti-hangover cup’s still got it.”

Karma chuckles. “We didn’t even drink that much.”

“Oh, sorry. Some of us are busy saving lives instead of going out with Reagan every weekend-“

“It’s not _every_ weekend,” Karma protests. When Amy shoots her a look, she smiles. “Whatever.”

And then she boldly moves her feet to Amy’s side. She places them up against Amy’s warm, bare legs.

“ _Jesus_ , Karma. You’re feet are fucking freezing!”

“And your legs are warm,” Karma says, pointedly. “You’re always so warm.”

“And your feet are always cold,” Amy replies but she scoots closer to let Karma tangle their legs together comfortably. “They always were.”

Karma shrugs, “So keep me warm.”

* * *

 

She finds Molly in the kitchen later that night, hovering over the teapot. Amy left to spend the night ‘bonding’ with Lauren – and Karma really couldn’t fault her for it. Lauren lost someone too – and, yeah, sometimes she forgets that Lauren’s mourning as well. Farrah was as much a parent to Lauren over the last fifteen years as Bruce, and Bruce has been struggling with the parent role immensely since Farrah’s passing. Amy and Lauren probably need the time together – so, Karma’s relegated to spending the night with her mom.

It’s lame, but she’s barely talked to Molly since Amy came home, and she kind of misses their talks.

“Herbal or lavender, Karma?”

“Lavender,” Karma murmurs before she finds herself standing in the same spot she was in the night before with Amy. “No, wait. Herbal.”

“Herbal,” Molly says, knowingly. “Stressed about something, sweetie?”

Karma fucking curses her tea choices for giving her away. “No, just… not in the mood for lavender.”

“You’re sure? Everything okay with you and Amy?”

Karma nods and takes her mug, “Everything’s fine.”

Her mom raises her eyebrows as she fills her own mug. “Did you have fun last night?”

“Yeah, I got to meet some of her co-workers,” Karma replies as she takes a sip and then subtly spits it back into the mug to avoid third degree burns. “They all seem to really like her.”

“That’s good she’s settling in. She could use some stability after everything with Farrah, rest her soul. She seems like she’s been doing okay, though. Thanks to you.”

“She’s been… up and down,” Karma says, honestly. “You think she’s doing okay because of me?”

Molly smiles. “Sweetie, you’ve gotten her through one of the hardest things she’s ever going to have to go through. And she still has a ways to go but it was good you two went out last night – Amy needed a night to let loose. Did you get in late?”

Karma hesitantly says, “No. It was before one. We were just down here talking for a while.”

“Oh, is that all that happened?” her mom asks, taking a sip of tea. And Karma knows she’s fucked.

“Mom!” she’s pretty sure she’s never been _this_ embarrassed in her entire life. She’s mortified, really. “What did you- _oh my god_. Why were you even down here?!”

“I heard you girls come in. Just wanted to come say hello and see if you needed anything. But it’s good to see the passion is still alight,” Molly comments as she takes a spot against the counter next to Karma.

“Please, stop. I cannot talk about this right now-“

“Can I say something then?” Karma sighs and nods. Her mom’s advice hasn’t really ever been unhelpful even if sometimes unwarranted. “Karma, I know that Amy’s going through a lot and maybe that… intensified things between you last night. But I also know that you tried to move on. I know you tried with Liam and you gave that your best shot. But you’re only gonna get so many chances in life. Please, don’t waste anymore.”

It’s not really any of what she wanted to hear.

“She left me,” Karma finally says after a few minutes of silence between them. “I feel like you keep forgetting what that was like for me – what those years afterwards were like. She completely broke me.”

Molly puts her mug on the counter and takes Karma’s mug from her hands. Before she can protest her mom says, “I know you’re wary, sweetheart. And I know it took you so so long to get over Amy and the breakup. But, Karma, I only ever thought she did that because she loved you. Loving someone half the time – Amy could never do that when it comes to you.” And Karma loses her battle with her own emotions as heavy sobs finally win out. Molly pulls her in tight and adds, “It’s all or nothing with you two, whether you’re fifteen or fifty. That’s the way your love’s always been.”

“I’m scared, mom,” and Karma sounds every bit like a five-year-old clinging to her mom for comfort. “I don’t wanna get hurt again. I don’t know how to trust her to stay.”

“Do you love her, Karma?”

“I don’t think I ever stopped,” she finally admits as much to her mom as to herself. “I never knew how to stop,” she says, teary eyed.

“Then have a little faith that the universe will work its magic.”

“Ugh, mom. The universe doesn’t just magically fix everything,” Karma breathes out in a frustrated voice. “I don’t know what to do. She could have to leave again, she’s almost finished her residency.”

Molly nods in understanding and lets Karma collect her thoughts. She picks her mug up and fixes Karma’s hair. “Or she could stay. What do you want if she stays?”

Karma’s given up the pretense of lying. There’s no use. “I want Amy.”

“I think you two need to talk,” Molly points out as she looks to the window. “And what good timing.”

Molly leaves and Karma wipes at all her wasted makeup. When Amy comes in she immediately notices but Karma just waves her hand. “Just bonding with mom, I’m fine.”

“I got a phone call today,” Amy announces before she sits back on the counter.

“Yeah?”

“I got a job offer.”

“Oh,” Karma says, carefully, trying to remain casual. Like this isn’t about to make or break their future. “Where?”

“Karma, St. David’s offered me the job. I’m staying,” Amy tells her with a smile but she makes no move to come any closer. “I’m not going anywhere. And that doesn’t have to mean anything… but you were the first person I wanted to tell. You were the only one I wanted to tell.”


	19. Always Thinking Bout The Two Of Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delays!! I’ve been working on something else in the in between but don’t worry this one’s still going for now. It probably has a couple chapters left. Thank you all!

_‘We were young, we were side by side. Don’t know when we started losing touch. If you want we could walk around, maybe that would be enough._

_Used to talk drinking to the night. I would wake on the front room floor all along you’d be in my bed, make me crazy, make me want you more’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

_“Then have a little faith that the universe will work its magic.”_

The words keep ringing in her head. It’s weird, her mom isn’t usually right about stuff like this. But tonight, with Amy sitting on the counter in the same spot she was in last night saying she’s staying – well it really does feel like the universe is doing something for them.

And really, it’s about fucking time.

It’s felt like the universe was working against them for years now. It’s felt like they were the only two fighting to stay together – and then it felt like it was just Karma there at the end.

Their timing seems like its _finally_ right. (It only took twenty-five years).

But she can’t help feeling scared. Amy said it doesn’t have to mean anything that she’s staying. But honestly, it kind of means a lot. It’s a big sign of commitment from Amy that she never asked for. It’s the commitment she wishes Amy would’ve given her five years ago. She’s getting a lot of things from Amy now that she wishes she would’ve gotten from Amy five years ago.

_“Loving someone half the time – Amy could never do that when it comes to you.”_

Karma spent years convincing herself Amy was evil and that she left because there was no love left (despite Amy telling her otherwise). It was the only way she could find the light at the end of the tunnel. Reagan and Shane spent years letting her believe it too. But now, her mom’s telling her everything she thought about Amy was wrong. Her mom, the person who’s known Amy just as long as she has, is telling her it’s kind of because Amy loves her too much that she left.

It seems kind of ass backwards to think about it in those terms.

“Ames, walk with me?” Karma finally asks. Amy nods immediately and jumps from the counter with ease.

* * *

 

They walk all the same streets they’ve been walking for the last million years. Karma can feel Amy tense for a second when she first grabs her hand but then she relaxes and Karma smiles under the cover of darkness. It’s such a stupid thing to have missed – but she spent five long years missing Amy’s hand in hers. And yeah, they’ve held hands a few times since Amy moved home but this is so voluntary and in a way says a lot of the things Karma can’t put words to just yet.

“How was the night with Lauren?”

Amy lets out a deep breath. “Hard. Everything with her reminds me of my mom.”

“She’d be really proud of you, ya know, about the job and all. I know she would.”

“Yeah, I just wish she was still here to see it. It’s gonna be really, _really_ hard to graduate and not have her there. I just wanted her to be there,” Amy explains quietly.

“Amy, she always knew you’d finish school-“

“It’s just stupid I should’ve never taken the residency so far away. I should’ve tried for St. David’s to begin with,” Amy says, taking a breath and then rubbing her eyes with her free hand. “I was just – I wanted to be above average. I wanted to go to a great school and work in this big city hospital. But Karma, I lost so much time with my mom. I lost so much time with you. All that success is really stupid when you have nothing else in your life that matters.”

“Your mom wanted that for you,” Karma says after a moment. “She wanted you to do big things because it was what you wanted. Your mom was _never_ ever upset you didn’t stay here. And I wasn’t either – that was never a thing for me, the distance never mattered. I never wanted to be something that held you back.”

“You didn’t hold me-“

“I would have been if you stayed here for me. You had to go see for yourself. And I think your mom knew that. She wouldn’t have even wanted you to come home for her.”

“I could’ve had so many more years with her,” Amy says, voice full of regret and pain. It pains Karma to hear it.

“You can’t live your life that way. You can’t not do things in case someone dies – what kind of life would that be? You probably wouldn’t be half the doctor you are today if you didn’t go to those schools. It’s kind of my mom’s bullshit, but maybe things went the way they did for a reason?”

Amy laughs softly. “Yeah, maybe,” and then there’s a long pause. “I still miss her though. I always thought time would make it easier but it’s like it hurts more now that a few weeks have gone by because it doesn’t feel like I’m just not seeing her because I’m away at school. It doesn’t feel like some weird vacation or like we just haven’t talked in a few days. It’s just starting to feel more – permanent, I guess.”

“I think that’s probably normal,” Karma says a minute later. It’s not like she’s really ever lost anyone so she’s kind of just taking stabs at advice that may or may not be helping.

“Karms,” and Amy sounds sad so Karma looks up at her, “I feel like I’m gonna forget the sound of her voice. And the smell of that god-awful perfume she used to wear. And the way her eyes lit up when Bruce set the table right. I feel like I’m gonna forget all the little details that made her my mom.”

Karma steps in to wrap Amy up in a hug. “We have recordings from so many of those stupid movies we used to make that she’s in. She used to be our cab driver in them, remember? We gave her some pretty big speaking roles so you won’t forget her voice,” she can feel the shaky laugh Amy lets out at that. “We’ll get a bottle of that perfume just so you have it – but please for the love of god don’t use it, okay? Amy, I’m not gonna let you forget your mom.”

Amy nods so Karma pulls away to wipe away a few stray tears. Then she grabs Amy’s hand and pulls her along again. She can tell Amy needs a few minutes to collect herself so they just keep walking with no real destination.

“Sorry, I’m so like – fucked up,” Amy murmurs after they’ve walked a few more blocks.

“You’re not. You’re going through something but I’m glad you’re being honest with me. I’m glad you’re talking to me.”

“Thought I’d try the communication thing this time,” Amy attempts the joke but Karma just kind of grimaces. “Sorry, bad joke. Too soon?”

“I don’t really know that that’s something I’ll ever be able to joke about.”

“Sorry. That was really stupid.”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s not,” Amy says, and then sighs. “We should talk. I need you to let me in your head, Karms.”

Karma stops walking – which stops Amy since their hands are still connected. She takes a seat on the curb and gestures for Amy to follow. “It’s hard for me to let you in -“

“It never used to be.”

Karma looks over and rolls her eyes. “Really?”

“I don’t – I’m trying to keep the lines of communication open with us but it’s hard when I don’t know what you want. If you want a best friend, I can do that. I can be your best friend; I’d give anything just to have that,” Amy says, softly. She licks her lips and pauses to kick a rock before she adds, “I know you said you’re not there yet and you don’t trust me. But you need to tell me if we can get there, if you can learn to trust me again like that.”

“Amy-“

“I’m not trying to push you. And I meant what I said – me staying doesn’t have to mean anything. But I took that job for you and you should know that. I wanted you to know you can trust me to stay. I’m not gonna leave you again. Even if you go off and marry some stranger you meet next week I’m not leaving. I don’t ever want to go years without talking again. I need you and I think I always knew it but after all of this,” Amy waves her hand around to encompass everything over the last few weeks with Farrah, “I _know_ I need you.”

It’s been a while since they’ve really brought up the fact that Amy came back for Karma. It’s been a while since Karma’s let herself think about that because the idea of _that_ will totally fuck with her head. She’s been trying to stay logical and practical about this whole thing with Amy and like, so far so good. It feels like if she lets Amy all the way in logic will no longer be an option.

“Honesty?”

“Honesty,” Amy repeats. She lays a hand on Karma’s thigh which Karma covers with her own two hands.

It takes a few minutes before she finally speaks. “This is so much harder than it was when we were sixteen,” Karma says with a small laugh and a deep breath. “Amy, I am always going to love you. There’s like no part of me that knows how to stop loving you. Of course I want my best friend back,” she can see Amy’s shoulders fall from the corner of her eye and even though she wants to stop and offer comfort she says, “but I think if you give me a chance and you can be patient with me – I know you’re not leaving. I want to trust you, I want to fix this.”

Amy’s smile is hesitant but it’s so definitely there. “You’re sure?”

“I’m sure,“ Karma says after a long moment.

“I’m never going to leave you again, you have to know that. I know you’re scared,” Amy whispers as she turns and leans a little further into Karma’s space. “But you can have whatever time you need, I can be very patient.”

Karma lets out a half-smile but then she meets Amy’s eyes. “Do you still love me?”

Amy scoffs. “You’re such a dork, Karma. Is that even a question?” Karma just nods and averts her eyes – she doesn’t know how to tell Amy that she had years of doubting her own self worth. “Hey, look at me,” so Karma does. “I love you, _so much_ , okay? Karma, I love you because of who you are as a person. Even if we take away the fact that I’ve always been in love with you – I have just _loved_ you since I was five years old. I’m so sorry I made you think otherwise. I’m so sorry I made you think you weren’t worth loving. I just couldn’t love you part time the way I was - but I should’ve realized that I wanted to be here with you sooner.”

“Have you been talking to my mom?” Karma asks as Amy basically echoes her mom’s words from a few hours before.

“No?” Amy looks confused and it’s definitely genuine. Her mom is so fucking weird sometimes.

“Sorry, she just kind of said something similar when we talked earlier,” she says and sort of shrugs. “I thought you didn’t want a future anymore?” and then Karma clamps her mouth shut because that question was so completely not meant for tonight.

“I was a fucking twenty-five-year old idiot who thought my career meant more than a future with you,” Amy says, sharply, voice laced with self-loathing. “I fucked up. There’s not really any nicer way to put it.”

“Yeah, you kind of did.” Amy looks up and smiles at the teasing look in Karma’s eyes.

“I thought we couldn’t joke about it?”

Karma shrugs and looks the other way. “You can’t. I’m allowed.” Amy laughs.

“Hey Karma,” she glances back over to find Amy grinning. “Can I kiss you? I thought maybe it’d be nice to kiss you when I’m not having a nervous breakdown or while it’s not all emotionally loaded at two in the morning.”

She’s so nervous you’d think it was the first time Amy ever kissed her – but really, it kind of feels like it is the first time. It’s the first time in a long time that Amy’s been the one leaning in to kiss her. It’s a gentle, easy kiss at first but after a few moments it sort of grows deep and longing anyway – in a way completely different from last night’s kiss. But Amy’s still being careful like Karma might shatter into a million pieces.

So, Karma pulls back just barely and says, “Ames, I’m not gonna break. Just like, kiss me. I know you’re holding back.”

Amy lets out a breathy little laugh and nods. “Sorry. I’m nervous.”

The admission sends Karma into a fucking tailspin because Amy said it in the sweetest fucking way she possibly could’ve.

“I am too.”

Amy nods again and leans in for another kiss. It’s a bit more self-assured and Karma smiles into it when Amy’s hand trembles just slightly against her own. Yeah, Karma could make fun of her but instead she kisses just a little bit harder and rubs her thumb along Amy’s palm.

It’s been a really long fucking time since they’ve just been able to kiss without emotions running all over the place (not that Karma’s not having a ton of feelings about this). But it’s been over five years since she’s been able to just kiss Amy easy like this on a curb on a dark street in Austin.

She places one more purposeful kiss on Amy’s lips and says, “Let’s go home.”


	20. I Still Carry Your Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry peeps! It’s not quite done yet, no worries I’ll tell you when it’s officially over.

_‘Untie this cord, we don’t need it no more. Wherever we are I’m yours always’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

It’s all very anxiety inducing.

Sure, Amy’s been living with her for the last few weeks but it’s all been very platonic - up until now. It’s been under the guise of “just friends” so there was never any pressure there – not that Amy’s pressuring anything – but Karma just feels it. She just feels the tension lingering in the room between them as she goes to change into her pajamas.

If this were any other night she’d just get changed but now that they’ve kissed everything feels different. Everything feels so undefined (because it is). She doesn’t even know how to start that conversation – she’s not really even sure that’s a conversation she should be having because it feels so middle school.

But what are they exactly? Best friends – sort of? Ex-girlfriends – definitely. Kind of girlfriends again? – Maybe. But Karma doesn’t know. Karma’s not sure if they’re even on the road to recovery after two kisses. Yeah, Amy’s staying permanently now, but she’s still not totally sure if they should jump the gun on this whole relationship thing.

Maybe Karma’s not even really ready for a relationship again. She just broke up with Liam at the funeral – maybe she needs some mourning time. That’d be the proper way to break up with someone after a year and half of dating. Right?

She’s frustrated with all of her lines of thought and Amy looks so god damn pretty in her pajamas it’s really unfair. It is unfair that anyone should look so good in flannel pants and a t-shirt and Karma wonders why Amy didn’t just move on and find someone else. She’s certainly not someone to spend five years pining over.

“Amy, are you sure it’s me?” and her voice is so soft she’s not even entirely sure she said that out loud.

Amy kind of half-smiles and says, “Karma, of course it’s you. It’s never been anybody but you – since the day we met remember?”

It’s weird, Karma thinks, to have met her soulmate at five years old. It’s a little bit weird to be standing in her bedroom with her twenty-five years later trying to figure out how to re-kindle something that went so terribly wrong.

But then, Karma tries to picture herself with anyone else and it just doesn’t feel right. It’s kind of written in the stars for them (and yeah, she laughs at herself a little for a corny fucking joke that totally references the stars on Amy’s ceiling). She wonders for a second if those stars are still there or if they’ll ever see them again if Amy never really makes amends with Bruce.

It’s hard to think about letting those little things go.

Karma sighs. Maybe, if they’re going to start something new though, she needs to let go of the past a little bit. Maybe she needs to see this fresh start as something not so thoroughly intertwined with the last time. Their past is always going to be there, for sure. But if Karma keeps comparing every little thing she’s going to walk them right into destruction. She’s never going to be able to trust Amy if she keeps seeing Amy as the girl who walked away. She needs to look at _this_ Amy – the one standing right in front of her – and see her as thirty-year old Amy who’s asking for the future even though twenty-five year old Amy said otherwise.

She kind of needs to get to know this Amy because they’ve missed five years. They kind of fucking _wasted_ five years they’re never going to get back. And yeah, Karma could wax poetic about how maybe they needed the time apart to grow and come back together or she could just cross the room and kiss Amy because it’s really all she’s wanted to do since they got back in from their walk.

Honestly, it’s really all she’s wanted to do since Amy arrived back in Austin.

And _that_ kind of hits her like a brick wall.

It’s been hard keeping her guard up against Amy because Amy’s always been the one person that’s been on the other side of the wall with her. Amy’s always been her partner-in-crime, her BFF, the girl that had her heart. Amy has always been her comrade in the war against the rest of the world and when Amy went AWOL things kind of went to shit. But the second Amy came back Karma’s world snapped into focus, she saw colors again, and all that cheesy shit that she loves about rom-coms.

She supposes them coming back together has always been sort of inevitable. She’s just been so preoccupied waging her own war to protect her own heart that she totally missed when Amy worked her way back in.

Karma thinks of that silly song she wrote sophomore year – but Amy really is the salt to her pepper, the moon to her sky – Amy actually is her other half. Amy keeps her feet on the ground when she gets a little lost in the clouds. They just sort of fit together, pieces of the same puzzle, if you will. Karma doesn’t really want to exist in a world where they aren’t a package deal.

Those five years were so fucking stupid, she realizes. She never really stopped thinking of Amy. She never really stopped hoping that Amy would come back – it was always there. In the back of her cluttered mind she was always wishing for her return. She was always waiting for the phone call, she was always looking for that smile, she was always holding out hope.

Everyone makes mistakes.

It all happens so fast, but then she’s grabbing Amy’s face, pulling her down into a kiss that she hopes speaks volumes about her feelings. Amy’s never not responded to her so she immediately feels teeth and tongue and desperation as she loses herself in it. It feels like Amy’s basically done with all of her hesitation when she pins Karma up against the same wall from ten years ago.

But Karma lets go of those memories and reminds herself it’s time to make new ones. She can’t live her life with one foot in their past – she needs to be one hundred percent present in what’s going on now if they’re going to make this work. So, she pushes them off that wall and takes the upper hand.

It’s all sort of rough and frantic for a few minutes there. It’s shirts being heaved over heads, fingers in waistbands of pajama pants, labored breathing and bruised lips. Karma manages to get them to the bed somewhere in the process and finds herself under Amy without quite knowing how it all happened so quickly.

It’s been so long since she’s felt Amy hovering over her – it’s been so long since she’s felt lips on her skin that seem to make her heart skip a beat with every touch. Amy looks at her like she’s precious and like she might shatter (and honestly, she might). And it’s Amy that slows the pace for them as she skims her hands over bare thighs and brushes her lips against exposed shoulders. Karma is pretty sure she won’t survive if Amy’s going to do it this way. She could’ve totally handled a rough quickie but if Amy’s going to treat her like she’s made of glass and pour love into every single look she might find that it sends all of her stability nose diving into an ocean of unbridled emotion.

Karma wishes she could stop loving Amy so fiercely, but she’s never really been able to control her heart.

Amy looks up when she hears Karma’s breath get caught in her throat. Yeah, she’s _that_ girl right now, the one that’s fighting off tears in the middle of foreplay. God, she just wants to crawl in a hole and pretend they’re still going at it like teenagers against the wall.

There’s too much going on here and it’s overwhelming all five senses. Amy’s skin against her own is just devastating in its own way. This isn’t all playing out in her head anymore (the way it so often has) – this is real and if she really gives Amy this last piece, she’s giving Amy every bit of the upper hand she thought she had.

“Hey, Karma, hey,” Amy’s eyes are full of concern and fear that she’s caused pain. She settles to the side and lays an arm over Karma’s waist in some sort of silent reassurance. “This doesn’t-“

“Amy, please don’t hurt me,” her voice cracks and falters by the second word and she scrambles to stop herself from collapsing completely. It’s one thing to be losing her shit in general; it’s a whole other thing to be doing it naked in bed with Amy – as if she needed to find a way to be as vulnerable as humanly possible.

Amy literally refuses to let her pull away – she tugs on Karma’s waist and just pulls her closer until they’re sharing a pillow and recycled air. “I never meant to, okay? I will be better,” she punctuates her sentence with a kiss that leaves Karma completely breathless. “I promise you. I’m here,” and then she smiles and scrunches her nose up a little bit and Karma is so goddamn sure she’s never going to feel this way about anyone else.

This suddenly feels like the unraveling of all of her distrust because Amy is right _here_. It’s like having the air breathed back into her lungs when it was so viciously stolen years ago.

“You promise?”

“I do. Trust me,” and it’s so earnest that Karma really can’t help but put some trust there; at least for tonight.

She has to keep reminding herself – Amy’s not leaving. Amy is staying. For good. Amy has a job that is going to keep her here. Amy loves her and doesn’t want to leave again.

When Amy kisses her again the world feels solid and right side up. Nothing about this feels temporary anymore it feels concrete and permanent. It really doesn’t take much at all before she’s completely absorbed in all of the emotions that are taking hold.

“I’m going to spend every day showing you that I’m here,” Amy’s voice is careful and soft like she’s trying to make sure she doesn’t scare Karma away. But it’s not so much in the words that Karma feels reassurance it’s in the hands that have always made her tremble. It’s in the touches and the gentle way that Amy pushes into her like they might never going to get this moment again.

Things in her heart seem to right themselves when she feels Amy’s fingers – and then she kind of internally cringes because if it was Shane telling her a line like that she’d think he watched one too many movies. But her and Amy, they’ve always had a connection that was only made deeper by their relationship. And sex between them has never been anything short of mind blowing. It’s always made Karma lose her mind with the constant collision of pleasure and passion. And yeah, Amy might know how to work her over in a way that makes her see stars but it’s the way Amy looks at her during – it’s the look she’s getting right now that makes it better somehow.

It’s in the way she feels Amy slowly explore her body that makes her shiver in anticipation. It’s the feeling of Amy’s forehead on hers that makes her sigh in contentment. This _closeness_ is something she hasn’t had in years and it makes her crave more of it. It makes her pull at the small of Amy’s back to maximize contact.

It amazes Karma that Amy never seemed to forget how much she likes to be kissed throughout. Amy keeps close, keeps kissing her, keeps the whole thing so torturously slow that Karma’s pretty sure she’s going to sweat off like five pounds by the time she finishes.

She comes when Amy kind of groans out “ _Karma_ ” against her ear and it feels nothing like it used to. Amy sounds like she’s pleading and the tone alone has her muscles contracting hard around fingers that are still coercing every last bit of this out of her. She can see Amy holding her breath, watching the whole thing with wonder – almost surprised she can still incite that kind of reaction.

Karma yanks Amy down hard by the back of her neck. She doesn’t really know what she’s looking for – maybe it’s just a ‘thank you’ that she can’t find the words for right now. But Amy responds in kind and then pulls away to stand up.

She feels bile in her throat when she croaks out, “ _Stay_ , please stay.”

Amy seems to realize all of her actions were misconstrued. “I was just gonna get you water… I’ll stay. I’m sorry I – wasn’t thinking. I was just so used to-“

“I know. Sorry, I’m kind of being a basket case here,” Karma says as she curls up under the comforter. Amy lays back down and places a gentle kiss to her cheek.

“You’re not. It’s gonna take time. We’re gonna take time. We can’t fix it overnight.”

It used to feel like they were eternal but now Karma knows better. She knows they still have a long road to recovery – but maybe this was a step in the right direction. This was a step Karma needed to take to open herself up so they can be in this thing together.


	21. And This Love Came Back To Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, this is it. The ending. Thank you all so much for reading and enjoying this :) It’s been a journey.

_‘This love left a permanent mark, this love is glowing in the dark. These hands had to let it go free, and this love came back to me’_

**Five Years After The Break Up (Present Day)**

“I wanna show you something,” Amy says as she stands and throws an old t-shirt over her head.

Karma just props her head up on her hand to watch as Amy digs through the pile of discarded clothes in the corner of the room. She hasn’t felt so _satisfied_ in a long time and it’s calmed a lot of the raging turmoil she’s been dealing with since Amy’s return. She can’t help but start to have some faith that maybe this is it for them – maybe they’re finally going to get it right.

“Show me what?”

“This,” and then Amy is walking back to the bed to put a necklace in her hand that Karma hasn’t looked at in years. Yeah, she has hers stored away in the box in the attic but she could’ve never predicted this.

“Amy, what-“

“I didn’t really feel like I deserved to wear it anymore, but I always have it with me,” Amy averts her eyes after a moment and adds, “I could never really let go of you, Karma.”

Karma can feel the lump in her throat but she reels it in and looks down at the tattered piece of fake jewelry from her sixteenth birthday. The tip of the heart is worn and the engraved words are barely visible anymore – there’s no denying that the necklace has seen its share of wear and tear over the years.

She doesn’t really have any words for this reveal instead she just looks up to see Amy’s red face – like it’s taken everything for her to divulge this information. And then it’s like looking at the gold heart mends something in her own.

“What happened to it?”

There’s a long pause before Amy’s able to answer. “I won’t do surgery without it – and when I get nervous I’m always rubbing it so its worn out. Guess I should’ve gotten us something more quality.”

“We were sixteen,” Karma says with a small smile. “It’s not like you had money. Your other gift to me that year was Liam.”

Amy cringes. “Not my best gift-giving year.”

“I don’t know for a sixteen year old that was madly in love with her best friend you pulled the self-sacrificing thing very well – you made me cry.”

“Yeah, like that’s hard,” Amy teases as she stretches out on her side of the bed. She runs a hand along Karma’s thigh to keep contact. “You promised to always wear yours-“

“As long as you did too,” Karma finishes, carefully.

Amy smiles faintly. “I know you probably don’t have it anymore but I just wanted you to know you’ve always been with me, okay? So, I know this is hard for you,” Karma looks at Amy’s hand on her leg for a moment and then back up, “but I thought maybe if I showed you this you’d believe me when I tell you that over the last five years I never stopped thinking of you.”

She hesitates. “I do still have mine. I just… couldn’t look at it for a long time.”

“Thought maybe it just turned your skin green,” Amy says, trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah, that’s the _only_ reason I’m not wearing it,” Karma replies, dryly.

It looks like Amy sort of sobers at that and instead of answering she settles for tracing imaginary circles on the sheets. It really means everything to Karma that Amy still carries that necklace – it’s an action that really only proves to back up all of the words she’s been told over the last few weeks.

“Karma,” Amy sounds tentative but Karma nods to urge her forward. “Being with you again, like that – I don’t even know what to say. It’s been so long-“

“I know. And it was good. God, Amy, it was so good. I _missed_ being close to you,” she admits. Amy’s face brightens in a way that makes Karma’s heart feel light and full. “It’s never really taken much for us though, has it? You kiss me once and I can’t really help but want more.”

“I can’t either,” Amy says, softly. She pauses to place a kiss on Karma’s forehead. “I love you, you know that. You’re who I want.”

Karma nods at the admission because yeah, she’d been expecting that. She kind of knew once she crossed that line with Amy it’d amplify the feelings they’ve both been carrying.

“I love you too,” she says before pulling the sheets tighter around her frame. “Can you just give me some time to – process all this?”

Amy visibly deflates at her words. “Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course. I, um, I’m sure Lauren’s around – or maybe Shane.”

“You don’t have to go anywhere-“

“No, you’re right, you asked for space all those weeks ago before my mom,” she pauses and lets out a long breath before she starts again. “I’m sorry if I’ve like – smothered you or forced this on you in any way.”

“You didn’t,” Karma tries to reassure Amy but she won’t even spare a glance as she gathers clothes. “You didn’t force anything, Amy. I chose to be there for you. Your mom died-“

“Yeah, I know, Karma. Thanks,” her tone is cold and sharp in a way it hasn’t been all morning.

Karma closes her eyes briefly because it was clearly the wrong thing to say. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“No, but it still hurt,” Amy confesses quietly, and Karma tries to feel bad but all she feels is the stinging anger of years ago.

She stands with the sheets wrapped tightly around her chest and fire in her eyes. “Yeah, that sucks doesn’t it? When someone doesn’t mean to hurt you but they fucking do it anyway.”

Amy’s back is to her but she can see the way her shoulders raise and tighten. “Can we not do this?”

“Do what? Bring up the fact that you broke my heart? That’s always gonna be there for me,” she’s trying desperately to sound as angry as she feels but all that seems to surface is that unwavering uncertainty that makes her voice crack in spite of all of her best efforts. “If you want to be with me again you need to be sure you can handle that. You hurt me-“

Amy whirls around, shoes in hand, and cuts her off. “I know I did. I never acted like I didn’t. Not once. I fucking came home to apologize. I don’t know what else I can possibly say.”

It kind of feels like admitting defeat when Karma sits back on the bed and murmurs, “I don’t think there’s anything else you can say.”

She can see Amy’s attempts to keep a straight face at her words, but she’s doing a miserable job. “What are you even saying?”

“That I need the space I asked for.”

“Should I take my stuff?” she asks after a minute.

“Amy, I’m not saying no…” Karma trails off without finishing her sentence because she hasn’t exactly said anything indicating a positive answer either. Amy nods but she doesn’t look reassured.

“And you’re not saying yes,” she finally says in a tone that makes Karma’s stomach tie itself in knots.

So, she stands again to move across the room but Amy shakes her head and holds up her hands to stop all further movement. “Don’t, okay? It’s fine.”

“Amy-“

“It’s fine,” Amy says, unconvincingly. “I’m gonna go. Take all the space you need.”

“Amy, c’mon. Just stay, you’re upset.”

“I just – I guess I thought after last night that… you know what, it was stupid. We probably should’ve talked before I got ahead of myself,” Amy tells her with a sigh before rubbing at her face. “I told you before - I can be your friend. Maybe we’re just not meant to-“ she cuts herself off with a shake of her head, like she can’t quite fathom thoughts of them not being together.

Karma tries to speak again, but Amy’s out the door and down the stairs before she can get another word in. All she can manage is grasping at the sheet around her to try to calm her heart that’s hammering in her chest.

How did that get so out of hand?

* * *

 

“She still has the necklace,” Karma says as Reagan wanders around emptying her dishwasher. Gia waves goodbye as she slips out the front door and Karma almost apologizes for just barging in and taking over their afternoon, but like, she needed advice.

“I know.”

“What do you mean you know?” she asks, mind spinning.

Reagan fills a water glass and passes it to Karma before she answers. “One: I don’t know why you thought she’d get rid of it. Two: she came to me a few weeks ago for advice. She didn’t want to push you.”

“Advice?”

“Yeah, advice, Karma. You know some direction in how to approach this whole thing?”

“I know what the definition of advice is,” Karma says with a roll of her eyes. “I meant more like – what did you say? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I told her maybe it’d be a good idea to show you she’s had that thing. Kind of prove she’s not blowing smoke up your ass about the last five years-“

“I never thought that,” she takes a sip of water as Reagan eyeballs her for the interruption.

“You asked a question, Ashcroft, shut up and let me answer,” Reagan says, pointedly. “I told her it’d be a good idea but she didn’t want to push too hard – but I told her to push you because you fucking need it. If she waits for you to come around you’re gonna be having awkward meet ups in the goddamn nursing home.”

“That’s not true,” Karma defends.

“Oh? Then where is she today?”

“I told her I needed some space to process,” Reagan raises her eyebrows as if she’s proving a point. Karma bristles. “I don’t think that’s unfair – this has all been a whirlwind since she came home-“

“And you didn’t have to go to her when she got here. In fact, I told you not to. But there wasn’t any keeping you away. You’ve literally just been looking for reasons to be near her,” she pauses for a moment, and then meets Karma’s eyes. “You look happy. I haven’t seen you look this way in a long time. So, yeah, I told her to show you but she was scared to death – and possibly embarrassed. I mean - did you see that thing? It’s worn as fuck. And knowing Amy, I’m honestly surprised she didn’t lose it since she keeps it in her pockets.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Not my place.”

“But you’re my best friend-“ she starts saying but Reagan adamantly shakes her head to stop the whole thought.

“No, I’m not. I love you to death but _that_ has always been Amy – even when it wasn’t. Regardless, I wasn’t getting in the middle of your shit. She fucking loves you, Karma, she always has. I couldn’t even lure her away when we were kids… and I mean, look at _me_ ,” Reagan smirks when Karma scoffs.

“I know she loves me,” she finally says when her eyes focus on the granite counter behind Reagan. “And the necklace meant -” she blows out a breath as she does her best to voice her thoughts, “that necklace meant _everything_. We promised we’d always wear them and she… she kept that promise. But she hurt me.”

“Look, I know you want her. So, yeah the trust issues aren’t gonna go the fuck away over night. But you constantly running scared and pushing her away isn’t gonna fix shit. Let it go, Karma.”

“I’m worried she won’t be able to deal with me having so many issues – like from the break up and all,” Karma admits, quietly.

It’s the sound of Reagan’s palms slapping the surface of the island that makes her look up. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

“What?”

“This is Amy we’re talking about, right? I didn’t miss something?”

“Of course it’s Amy?” Karma’s fucking confused by this entire thing now.

“I know she was gone for five years but did you fucking forget who she is? Karma you’ve always had issues,” Reagan says and she furrows her eyebrows in displeasure. “Oh, don’t look at me like that, it’s true and you know it. But when has that ever bothered Amy? She loves _you_ – that’s insecurities and all. I know you know that. Are you being intentionally dumb today?”

“No.”

“Then stop looking for reasons this won’t work. If you fucking sit and pick everything apart you’ll find a million reasons why it won’t. We can’t get in the fucking DeLorean and take back what happened – you’re going to have to just live with it and move past it. You gotta stop throwing it in her face.”

Karma screws up her face like that isn’t exactly what just happened. “I didn’t.”

“I call bullshit. I know how you get,” Reagan answers with a raised eyebrow. Karma withers under her authority. “It’s like you’re picking at a scab. Give it a chance to heal, okay? She moved home, took a job here, she’s basically living with you, she’s apologized a million times, and she’s been carrying around a _fifteen year old_ piece of fake jewelry – like what else do you need from her?”

She shrugs because Reagan’s making a fuck ton of sense. “Nothing.”

“Then what the fuck are you doing here?”

* * *

 

The bar they were at a few days ago is crowded and way too loud but she spots the back of Amy’s head almost immediately. So, she pushes and shoves her way through people. She totally stepped on a few feet but at this point who really cares?

Kay sees her first and points. “And there’s the infamous Karma! Good to see you again,” she wraps her arms around Karma’s shoulders in a brief hug. If it was any other time Karma would’ve loved to stay and chat, but she really needs to talk to Amy. She waves to Will and tries to catch Amy’s eye but Amy’s literally sort of avoiding her entire presence.

“Amy, can you come outside real quick? Please?” Karma asks quietly, trying not to make everyone else aware of their dispute.

“We can talk later,” she says, tersely. And yeah, she sounds like she’s being a bitch but Karma knows better because she can see the sadness lingering in Amy’s eyes.

“We need to talk now. I have something for you.”

“Karma, not now.”

Karma huffs and grabs her wrist. There’s no way she’s letting Amy blow this off because it’s fucking important. They’ve wasted enough time.

“Hey guys, I just need to borrow Amy for like ten minutes we’ll be right back!” she tells the group so there’s no way Amy can say no without basically letting everyone know they’re fighting. It’s a little fucked but it does the job.

“Did you come here just to make me feel worse?” Amy asks.

“Can you just open this?” she hands a small box over and Amy’s face drops at it.

Karma can’t really figure out the reaction but then Amy says, “If this is your necklace – I don’t want it. Just keep it. Even if you just leave it with all our other stuff.”

“It’s not-“

“I’m gonna go back inside, I’ll get my stuff from your house later?”

“Amy, just fucking open it,” she demands. A few people on the side of the bar turn their heads at her volume but she waves them off – they can mind their own fucking business. “Please.”

It looks like Amy wants nothing to do with opening the box but she does it anyway to placate Karma. She looks up when she sees the contents. “Karma, what-“

“It’s – maybe it’s dumb – but it’s a key. To my house… well, my mom’s but you know what I mean,” she explains with a small laugh. “Ames, if you’re gonna stay with me, then _stay_ with me.”

Amy just opens and closes her mouth a few times like she’s looking for words that keep escaping her. She settles on, “So, this is yes?”

Karma nods. “This is yes. Be with me – like for real. I’m sorry for this morning I just – it was a lot. This has all been a lot.”

“Yeah, it has.”

“You’re who I want too. It just took me a little while to get here,” Karma tells her with all the certainty that was missing this morning.

“I’m glad you did,” Amy says, eyes looking mysteriously shiny.

“Don’t cry,” Karma teases with a smile.

Amy manages a weird half-laugh, half-sniffle thing that turns into a cough. “C’mere you,” she murmurs as she pulls Karma in by her waist.

“I love you,” Karma whispers before their lips meet.

Amy smiles as she pulls back briefly. “Yeah, I know.”

Karma just rolls her eyes and kisses her again. “Can we go home?”

“You mean back to bed? Part two?” Amy asks before wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. And actually that doesn’t really sound like a bad plan.

She licks her lips (which she totally knows drives Amy crazy), meets her eyes, and nods. “Sure, part two. And three… maybe four,” she says as she starts towards the car. She can hear Amy groan at her departure.

“Lemme get my keys, meet you at home?”

“Absolutely, my parents are out, by the way. I’ll be in my room – do not have clothes on when you get there,” and she laughs when Amy’s eyes double in size.

“Fuck my keys. We’ll get my car later.”


End file.
